I'm new here

[Jenmomof3]

Hi there. My name is Jenny and I have been married to my husband for an awesome 15 years! We have three beautiful daughters together. We live the typical married life. We both work full time and our free time revolves around our kids. I'd like to say that we live a pretty normal life except for my problems with anxiety. My anxiety started right after the birth of my first daughter. One day I just felt "funny" and my arm was achy. A friend jokingly said, "maybe you're having a heart attack", and that'sall it took. It sent me into a panic attack. Altough at the time, I didnt know that was what was happening. I called my parents who rushed over and my dad being certified to know the symptoms me that I was not having one. I ended up coming down but just felt funny for the rest of the night. The was the day that changed my whole life. I ended up having panic attacks daily for months after that. I ended up in the ER thinking I was dying several times. Eventually I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. It was so bad at one point that I was agoraphobic. I didnt want to leave my house. My husband and parents were the only people who made me feel safe and home was my safe place. I could never sleep because I was afraid I wouldnt wake up. One night while I was awake, I saw an infomercial for a program called Attacking Anxiety. I ordered it and followed the book and tapes because although diagnosed with anxiety, I really didnt know what it was. The book helped me a ton. I learned deep breathing and positive calming self talk. Between the program and my husband and parents, I learned to leave the house again. I saw a therapist for awhile, but sadly cannot afford to keep going to one. I have come a long way in 15 years, but everyday is a struggle. There is not a day that goes by that I dont have to reassure myself that I am okay, or text my husband or mom and dad because Im not feeling well at some point. I feel like anxiety has changed my life. I used to be so happy and up beat and out going. Now, I struggle daily with scary thoughts and awful physical symptoms. I now have heart palpitations as well. My anxiety is basically a fear of death. Im so scared of dying or someone close to me dying. It consumes my thoughts daily. Some days are good and I can do things, and other days, its hard to leave my house. I try to hide it from kids, because I dont want them to see me and then learn this from me. While I do have a great support system, many people dont get it. They think you're crazy or that it is all in your head. I joined this group so that I can talk to people who understand what I am going through without being judged. Im hoping this will be a place where I can turn to and in turn hoping that maybe I can help others.

[Hidden]

Hi Jen.

That's just it though Jen ?

Is is all just in our heads , literally.

And I'm the exact mirror of you just I've had it going on now for 38 years lol oh 38 years and never got rid of it ? How sad is that ah , lol oh well I can only do what I can do.

I also have thar=t dreaded fear of death as you do it's the thing that freaks me out the most just like you.

Yet what's so weird is that I know we know this ?

If we were going to die , which one day we are , as we all do.

Theirs not a damn thing we or anyone else on this earth can do about it or to stop it .

Same applies to the death of our loved ones agree ?

Now look at it this way ?

The trouble with worrying is it gives us something to do but gets us nowhere.

And most likely when our death comes we will not even know about it , that's the sad thing right their ?

Because likely we will either be too ill to even realise it .

Or it will be almost instant.

Or we'll be too drugged up to even be compass mentas.

Now here's our saddest bit madam and the bit that may make you wish to change your daily panic thought strategy ?

YOU AND I HAVE ALLREADY DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS !!!!!!!!!!!!

We die or at least face the reality of the fact we're diein every time we have a panic attack ?

So we've as god as died a thousand times as we have felt that fear that moment when we think it's just about to happen , oh this is it , ime gone.,it's taking me I'm dead here I go ,oh no please god no ? Agree ?

I'll bet you do ?

YET WE STILL CONTINUE TO OBSES ON IT EVERYTIME WE HAVE A PANIC ATTACT RIGHT ?

So we should be used to death by now as were experts on the damn thing lol.

You got to laugh really at just how stupid our minds are lol

I've spent the best part of 38 years reminiscing on diein and I'm still alive lol

How ironic is that.

Now I'm concentrating my thoughts on I don't care if I die I couldn't care less take me ,have me go on then here I am you want me just damn well have me then as I couldn't care less anymore in fact I wanna die ,so go on then do it do it I'm ready.

And you know what ?

I don't have panic attacks anymore !!!!!!!

I still have anxiety yes.

I still get that flash moment out of the blue ya know where your heart jumps out of your mouth in about a a split second and the adrenaline has been released and the monsters out as such and the whole body shaking thing stats etc etc you know the drill.

But my mind kicks in in that split second with the , go on then take me your be doing me a favour thoughts etc.

And it all seems to stop right their and then nowadays and I just laugh lol.

And that's why worrying about death makes no sense at all because worrying about death is in fact a life of being dead ?

Be happy go lucky ,what will be will be , because it will anyway ?

And then your life begins and you learn to live instead of repeatedly learning how to die lol.

I really truly hope this gets through to you madam ? And your buetyfull life with your girls and your hubby.truly begins !!!!!!!

[Jenmomof3 in reply to Hidden]

This is amazing! So so wonderfully put!!! I agree to every word! I just need to get to the point of bring okay with death. It sure is hard. I find myself thinking about how sad my kids would be without me. Then the thought of losing one of them kicks in and oh boy, I'm a mess!

[Hidden in reply to Jenmomof3]

Me too I'm exactly the same but I became sick of living with my own morbid thoughts while everyone else was living and having fun ?

So I decided to change the way I think and I used to lay their having a panic attack on the bed like a spastic, taping my forehead repeatedly while saying. Take me me then go on I don't care anymore as I don't even want to live like this like a spas so go on take me do it go on then I really don't care .

It took me quite a long time to convince my brain and mind that I don't care but I got to much better place in the end.

Oh and the derogatory term I'm using being spas, I am using as an example to describe myself in my situation and no harm is intended in any shape or form to anyone who is concerned I just felt the need to add this.

I'm glad my post to you made sense do god bless you and your family I just want you to live your life with yr hubby and yr children and have the happy live you all deserve.

[Jenmomof3 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!!! 💜💜💜

[valanx]

Hi Jenny,

First of all, I can HIGHLY relate to you. I'm new to this also. I used to be a super happy easy and up-beat person always down for whatever always surrounded by people and friends. And now it's hard for me to even leave the house or be without my mom, I feel like i'm a little baby again always having to depend on my mom to be there for me. The thing that I struggle with the most is my independence because I used to be so independent. I started college and lived in the dorms and experienced all the freedom and parties and craziness that the first year of college has to offer but now even the thought of doing the things that I used to be able to do makes me so nervous to think about. I'm currently seeing a therapist and she's teaching me how to cope with my anxiety on my own.

I know it's hard to hear and deal with but one thing she told me is to not look for reassurance in other people, not to use the words like "Am I okay? Am I going to be okay?" but to use words like, "just hold my hand and sit here while I try to calm myself down." I struggle with that a lot because I run to my mom for everything, if i'm having an anxiety attack it feels good for her to tell me that I'm going to be okay and that everything is fine, but I have noticed that it's helped a lot for me to find ways to calm myself down when she's not saying anything other than just sitting there with me.

My therapist has also taught me a good coping mechanism that I've found very helpful. To sit and talk to your anxiety. This helps your brain realize that you're not in danger and that will help the physical parts of anxiety go away, say things like "okay, what I'm feeling is anxiety and I feel it in my chest..." and do breathing exercises while you're talking to it.

I'm still new to this and I'm just sharing what I've learned but I know that we will get through this Jenny. Positive thinking!!

[Jenmomof3]

Thank you so much! You have no idea how "normal" it makes me feel to hear others say the exact same things as me.

I am always looking for reassurance from others. Especially my husband. I probably text him at least three to four times a day at work and ask him of I'm okay. It's like hearing someone tell you your fine, makes you fine, which logically I know isn't true, but somehow it helps a ton! Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them!