Keep calling or messaging with suicide chatline

I feel like a mess today. Yesterday after church I just got in my car and began bawling - not even sure why. Part of it was that it was crowded so I waved over a couple that I used to work with. She asked how I was (I got let go a few months ago) and I feel like I just lied through my teeth "fine" - I saw a few others too but no one stopped to talk to me. I cried for an hour just thinking - who the hell really cares about stupid me and my problems. everyday - I say the same thing - I'll clean up this house - and never do.

I'm a former self-injurer and all I want to do is either hurt myself to feel numb or go further than that. we were going around in a circle sharing our needs at my church's home groups and I sort of snuck out of being called on. So they prayed for everyone but me. That was okay - but I wish I would have said something.

[larae0526]

I think it took great strength to even attend church. I am in a dark place and cannot even leave the house. I know I'm jeopardizing my job, and should feel thankful I have one,but the darkness is too heavy. Crying is good. It's good to get your feelings out. Not cleaning is part of depression. I do it too. Then you feel bad for not cleaning. I am sorry I don't have more to say than the fact that you matter. We are all here for a purpose even though times like these it's hard to imagine what that purpose is. Why must we suffer? You're very courageous for reaching out for help.

[Hidden in reply to larae0526]

Thanks much. Maybe I just need to hire a maid service - tomorrow I wear a heart monitor thing for 24 hours. I did contact the suicide chat again - and avoided a July 4th celebration with friends. I was too frazzled to be with people - even friends.

[CaptainCrunch]

Thanks for posting brighrday121. People here understand and care about what you are going through. Glad you went to church even though it made you feel bad. That shows you are fighting this illness. Posting here is another sign as well as calling for help. It takes humility to do these things. And humility is a wonderful quality to posses. I care. Please keep posting so I know how you are doing.

[Pearl67]

As far as cleaning and other activities go....I was told by a Dr. Many years ago to make a list of just three things and make sure to accomplish those that day in order to make steps toward recovery. The "feel good" reaction is strong when we are able to do what we said we would do. This in no way implies writing down huge projects!!! Rather small ones and keep adding new ones daily. Perhaps, 1. Take shower2. Make bed, tidy bedroom, which for most is their sanctuary. 3. Walk around the block.

He did really push getting up, immediately in the shower-NO Thinking-No Options- and OUT of the HOUSE! Even if that meant to a coffee shop/library/mall to watch people. Also, volunteering to do something for someone else in a more difficult place.

I thought, "yeah, right😳😩!" No way could I do that!!!! I was barely hangin on. But I decided the pain of remaining the same was worse than the pain of change and forced myself. Within one week, I was much better. He also suggested to radically change your routine, ie TV shows, when and where you go, to create new pathways in your brain and not stay "stuck."

That was many years ago and I have had a long time of steady state with major and minor blips of anxiety/depression, BUT(!) IF I do the things I know to do-even before I get into a bad spin-I snap out much quicker! I send strength to you!

[Hidden in reply to Pearl67]

You don't even know how much this helped me. THANX

[Pearl67]

Awesome! Glad I could be an encouragement!!!