I should have asked for help sooner.

[Aelie]

I feel like I've hidden this horrible disability for so long, everyone thinks I'm crazy.

In college, cliques of girls in our dorm spread a rumor that I was a coke-head, because I talked faster than everyone and acted differently in crowds. I did not hold onto any friendships throughout my twenties, and despite so many suicidal periods of time, I'm proud to say I'm still here. Barely

My mom was an alcoholic. Her liver failed 3 times in my 20's before we lost her last July. I was her person for most of the time she was sick, and I always kept my job and just made myself available to her. Because of that, she and I became best friends. But she couldn't stop drinking, and we couldn't get her to treatment in time.

5 years ago, I was in a car accident that broke my neck and my back. I was bedridden in a back brace for 2 years, and went back to work 2 years ago. (3 years after the accident)

In the last year, my company moved me 3000 miles, but then my mom passed away, and then I lost my job (stress brings on panic attacks and then everything spirals downwards) and finally, I moved back home. A real estate war soon erupted between family members.

I recovered professionally for a short time, then quit another job because of daily panic attacks, and moved into my moms home, even though she had just passed. Now, I spend my days isolated at home.

I can sometimes leave the house for a quick errand, but I feel like I have to trick myself to go. I started my own company so that I wouldn't have to leave the house. I really can't leave the house very often without issue.

I have lost several family members from suicide and I know that the anxiety I'm feeling had to have been a part of what they felt as well. I refuse to leave the world in that manner, but I'm just in so much pain. I understand completely how they could have ever arrived at that decision, and it breaks my heart that I can relate so easily and I can't help them now. My mother's sister and my father's brother. I know that they understood what I am going through, based on stories I've heard about them, but I'll never have the opportunity to ask them about it.

At 22 years old, in 2010, my family doctor ridiculed me when I complained of extreme anxiety. He was my father's best friend, and he expected me to follow in my dad's footsteps professionally. Because of these ridiculous expectations, my doctor told me that I was totally normal when I knew I wasn't. My family put so much pressure on me to be perfect and successful that I did not feel comfortable talking to them about anything.

I think a big part of this is social anxiety, but I've been hiding this for so long, I really don't know. I'm outgoing and get along with everyone. I'm a super clean freak and am very particular about certain things, and I wonder, if I am struggling with OCD also. Like I said, I've moved across the country twice in the last year and I lost my mom, and I'm just at my wits end. Too many bad things happened in a short period of time. And I am asking for help.

Anxiety sucks. I am done dealing with it. I just want it gone. I am so motivated in every other part of my life and this just drags me down. I really hope someone can relate or reach out. I really don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

Thank you for reading.

Ae

[mz_rachel]

First of all... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️HUGS❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ you are not alone and I am genuinely sorry to hear about everything that that's happened to you. It broke my heart but I'm so glad you found this site bc there are a lot of us here who go through our own daily struggles. Don't ever think you're alone, please.. From what I read, you are a strong person!!! I just wanted you to know that. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and your family members ❤️. They'll always be with you. Anxiety is just a part of us and we can take it's power away. It's hard hence why I'm still up at 3:53a in California bc of my daily stupid episodes. I do feel alone when I know I'm not but it happens... you can get to know more of my struggles on my page if you'd like. You are a good person from what I can see and if you ever need to talk to anyone, please don't hesitate not be embarrassed! It's all love here ❤️.

[Aelie in reply to mz_rachel]

Thank you so much!!💕💕 I'm in California too, lol. So I get the time thing. I'll check out your profile.

[poodlelover81]

Wow that's a lot to deal with. People who haven't gone through half of what you've been through have anxiety and depression. From your mother's passing away to a severe car accident to going back to work to family issues, you've been through more than most of us. I think it's not a bad idea to start your own company, but if you are doing it to avoid going outside I would go see a professional. You sound like a really strong person. Stay strong!

[Aelie in reply to poodlelover81]

Thank you. Working from home is just a temporary thing to get my life on track, and it's an easy business, I can do everything online. It is basically just allowing me time to figure everything out. Thank you for responding, I obviously really needed to get everything out. I am finally talking about all of this and am making plans to get back to a normal place, mentally. It's a big step after avoiding this issue for so many years. But thank you once again, it's responses like this that are going to help me get out of this funk. 💕💕