Self care

[FixingThePineapple]

I feel like people don't talk about this side of depression enough and I'd like to get some of this stuff off my chest.

So we'll start with my mom, she's the cause for most of my anxiety and anxiety causes my depression. She had me when she was 14. Didn't want to but the Baptist town we come from forced my parents into marriage and parenthood. How do I know this? Why she told me! Straight up told me to my face that she didn't want to have me but she had to and that because of me she didn't get to enjoy her youth. Thanks mom, here I was thinking that babies are miracles or whatever crap people say.

So since she had me so young my grandma basically did all the raising, at least until I turned 3 and my dad (who joined the marines) got orders to move across country. I suffered from anxiety at the time from being separated from my grandma, who might as well have been my mother. My actual mom did little to take care of me. She failed to make sure I did basic things like washing myself. She would nag me to brush my teeth a couple of days before going to the dentist but that was the extent of her motherly care.

So anyways that was just a little background for you guys to see what I'm working with here. I generally have no want or need to take care of myself. I care for myself when I feel gross, basically. When I'm disgusted with myself is when I'll finally take a shower. And even then it's not that I think I'm gross, it's that I feel like other people think I'm gross.

Grossness aside, I know I need to brush my teeth and wash myself for health reasons, but I find myself not caring enough. Sure I get anxiety from time to time about my teeth eventually falling out or something but I just don't care enough to take action.

I have gotten better, though. I can safely say for the past year I've been changing my underwear every single day and that's a big accomplishment for people like me, people with this ugly depression monster. I do brush my hair occasionally and brush my teeth maybe 5 times a week. I've even started washing my face in the morning once every few days or so, on a good week.

I've asked my boyfriend (who lives with me) to help remind me to do these things and for the past week I've been making myself a to-do every morning, complete with a self care section. I have yet to have one day where I check off every item but every day I get closer. I might just one day get the hang of this whole "life" thing and be a functioning, responsible, clean person. I just hope I'm not too old to change these awful habits or lack there of.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate this site and all the people here. It felt nice to get this out into the open and hopefully I can fall asleep now; It's about 3am. I've been having a little insomnia as of late. Hope you all are doing well and taking good care of yourselves.

[tryntobrth]

Hey pineapple, it sounds like you know what to do, that's a big step. I also have a hard time keeping a good routine. Making a list is a great idea to get things done. I never seem to get the list made though. You sound like you are doing pretty good to me, it's one day at a time right? I use to be a big disaster of a person when it came to heath and wellness, slowly I got it together and now have at three things I do everyday , go running, shower and eat. Anything besides that is a bonus. -I don't think any of this helps you but I do think you are ok, I'm cheering for ya.

[FixingThePineapple in reply to tryntobrth]

Thank you, I always enjoy hearing from you. It's good to know you think I'm on the right track. Some days are defintely better than others but I'm slowly getting there. And I'm glad you're doing well too. Going for a run every day sounds awesome, good job for keeping that up!

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you went through this and are still fighting to take care of yourself. Ever since I moved, it's like life has been too overwhelming to wash dishes, take out the trash, or even bother to take a shower more than once a week. I'm not sure why it's such a hurdle- congrats on making your way through a to do list. Can you divide that list into some things you can do every other day iron etc per week I e. Shower, wash laundry, dishes, take out trash, etc. so you don't feel so guilty about not finishing the whole list. Also is you significant other able to chip in to keep the house clean? I'm assuming he lives there but maybe not. I have a friend who even while single- paid a maid service once a month. You are worth taking care of.

[FixingThePineapple in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the kind words. And that's a good idea about breaking down the list so it's not just a daily list, I'll start that at the beginning of the week.