Not doing well

[LMCello]

Almost ran away from home yesterday. Today is a little better. I'm tired of disappointing everyone around me. Haven't told my husband or anyone else what I almost did. I'm just not doing well at all. Why do I let my meds run out and think it's no big deal? And why do I have to have medicine to make me act like a normal human??? Anyway, I know it's better to tell someone rather than no one, even if I don't even know the people I'm talking to. The problem is, it's still up to me to do the right things, and I can't seem to pull it together enough to do that.

[poodlelover81]

You would be surprised by how many people need medicine to feel like normal human beings so I wouldn't beat myself up for that.

[LMCello in reply to poodlelover81]

I know... when I'm on my meds I think they're awesome! But when I start missing doses, that's when I get mad at myself that I have to rely on those stupid little pills.

[HopingCat]

I'm having one of those days too. But it's not any different than these 4 months of hell. Just extra today I guess. Hang in there.

[LMCello in reply to HopingCat]

HopingCat, you are so strong. Don't let anyone (including yourself) ever tell you otherwise. I admire you so much. You get up every day and go at it. You never give up. You have had day after day of feeling like I have and yet you keep living and keep trying and keep talking and keep working. Thank you for all you do for the rest of us on here. You are so important to so many people. I just want you to know that.

[tr19]

Ok, so definitely do not judge yourself for needing to be on a medication for your depression/anxiety. Think about it like any other illness, say high blood pressure for instance, people take medication to keep their blood pressure down. If they don't, they will have hypertension and this could lead to other health outcomes. Depression/anxiety is similar to any other chronic illness and needs attention in similar ways. I heard this when I first started seeking help, I too suffer from anxiety/depression, and it really puts things into perspective. But also know that being on an SSRI or any type of anti-depressant doesn't need to be perminent. It is a very useful tool for getting you through a tough time in your life. This and therapy can really make a difference and should be used whenever you want without judgement.

One thing you should not do though is let your meds run out and miss a day or two. The half-life for most SSRIs is about 24 hours or less. And it also has to take time to ramp up to a sustainable level in your system. So every time you miss a dose or two, it's almost like you are starting over again. This can give you a whole bunch of side effects and make your condition worse. You know how there are always more warnings about side effects for someone who is just beginning treatment? This is one reason for that, because the body needs time to adjust to the new therapy and that adjustment can take time.

The last thing I want to suggest is keeping things open with your husband, tell him everything and don't hold things back. I feel if I hold things back from people too often, I get more anxious and depressed. Getting things out in the open can really help lighten the burden. It can also help with you thinking that you are constantly letting people down. You can share this feeling with others and it will show you that you are 99% of the time not letting them down at all.

Please feel free to respond back and keep me updated, I check this forum every day, multiple times a day and I'd be happy to continue talking!

[LMCello in reply to tr19]

Thank you. I am so ashamed to tell my husband. He has been nothing but supportive and caring. He has so many things to worry about already. I'm ashamed because I promise him that I will never leave him. And yet yesterday I was contemplating it!! He would never do anything like that to me.

[tr19 in reply to LMCello]

What kind of meds do you take if you don't mind me asking? And do you experience a lot of anxiety or do you have more depressive symptoms?

And although he has so many other things to worry about, it sounds to me like you are his most important thing. And although you are afraid to tell him what you are thinking, it has come to the point where you can't hold it in any longer. It's unhealthy and unfair to the both of you. Talking about it with him may bring to light that your doubts are nothing major and it could end up fixing the thought in your head.

Couples counseling is a little out of my jurisdiction, but I believe what I have said makes sense.