Severe Anxiety, Depression & Grief

Hello, I'm new here & never really opened up to anyone about my situation that truly understood it and I guess that's why I just hold it all in, but recently I've been feeling like it's eating me up and everything has been becoming worse. I've dealt with anxiety my whole life , not to the point it held me back from much although. After loosing my best friend to suicide 7 years ago everything spiraled out of control with it, although. I was scared of my surroundings , I felt as if I was in a dream and even to just walk to the corner store or to actually go in a store killed me because I felt like my legs were weak , I had no control over my body / if I were to have a panic attack , I didn't feel like myself . Over the years it gradually got better. I still dealt with anxiety, but it wasn't all day long and I was able to work and support myself, had my own apartment and all. Then I met my boyfriend of 5 years and our relationship was very rocky after the first year , a lot of emotional abuse but still he was a huge part of my life and I don't have many friends so I clung onto him and when times were good they were great , it just was the bad times which were horrible and a lot of it led down to when he was on drugs. Which I hated and was most of our arguments. But besides that i did love him with all my heart and my life revolved around him. I spent everyday and nighT and there was a huge attachment as well as love. I picked him up from his friends house one night after work and he was very high on a bunch of different stuff which I could tell right off the bat, we argued most of the night due to this and I just remember feeling like something was wrong and kept asking him if he'd be ok in the morning to take me to my doctors appointment (wisdom teeth removal) and he kept reassuring me he would be fine, but something in me just knew something wasn't right but I just accepted what he told me and we eventually went to bed, I woke up early in the morning around 7 am and rolled over to him and put my arm on his back, he was flat down on his stomach and he felt cold, I knew something wasn't right so I screamed his name and tried to roll him over onto his back , he was stiff so I cried and screamed until eventually I was able to get him onto the floor onto his back and I did cpr on him, his eyes were half open and I remember just staring into them just hoping he'd come back, I kept doing cpr as I was on the phone with dispatch but deep down I knew he was gone , when emt tried to bring him back they eventually told me he was gone as I sat in my living room in disbelief......my heart shattered in a million pieces. Every day sense then I've been fighting with horrible anxiety and depression. I've moved over 4 times , had to leave my apartment , lost my job and still feel as if I can't even a hold a job to get back on my feet. I feel broken and lost and don't know what to do. I have no health insurance, but this is getting overwhelming and I feel hopeless. All I want to do is cry everyday and sleep. I just don't have much left in me to keep pushing. This is a very long post, I just am using this website to vent pretty much and would appreciate if anyone can just tell me it'll be alright and that they've been through something similar / what they did for help. ❤

1 Reply

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  • I honestly don't know of anyone who had something like this happen but I also can't leave you with no help here. This is a very hard thing to have happen to you. Very hard.

    You should try your county help number for mental health help. There well may be some kind of help there. It won't be ideal but it's there for people who don't have insurance like you. You should get seen by a doctor and get medication from them. That's helpful. If you need somewhere to stay, ask for their help with that, too. You need a counselor, too, very badly, so ask about that also. This is all very important so please don't skip any of it. Please!!

    Come back here and tell me about what help you are getting and I'll listen and help guide you. Please take good care of yourself.

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