Darkness lifting to show true horror

[Sclarkstone]

I'm on maximum dose venlafaxine and clomipramine. The past few months I've felt like the usual darkness that suffocates and saturates me has begun to lift. Like smoke, drifting away. Only to reveal the ugliness that is reality. All the emptiness and fakness of people. No real connections to anything. The true exhausting effort it takes to fake a smile, to fake a caring look on your face during a conversation. I have begun to actually hear the words people are saying, to really hear them and it's vile. There is so much broken and negative surrounding me I can't begin to imagine fixing things. I'm not even sure I want to, I prefer the darkness if im honest. Please tell me that the darkness lifting is not a sign of recovery and that this world in front of me is not reality?

[Kobojunkie]

I think you are making a mistake here. Life is not about the people around you and whether they are connected or not.

All that does not matter at all. What matters is how you choose to react to all you know is around you? it is easy to say it is everyone else that is the problem, but what about you ? Why the fake smiles? Why the unreal connections? Why the ugliness inside of your own self? If you deal with all that first, be sure you can live and deal with even toads and ogres all day.

So are you going to work to change yourself, or are you going to continue pretending the problem starts and ends with everyone else but you?

[Sclarkstone in reply to Kobojunkie]

That makes a lot of sense, thank you

[Hidden in reply to Sclarkstone]

Wow well done for taking that from Kobojunkie as s/he doesn't pull any punches.

For what it's worth I do have to agree. If you can take this dose of reality then you are ready to start making major changes in your life. Great.

[Hidden]

Edgar Allen Poe. That's what I thought when I read your post. On antidepressive and OCD medications, and writing a long dark articulate poetic paragraph. But a very short, "agreeing" response to Kobojunkie's point blank message.

Ok, what's going on here? I am hoping your post was a bit of self-indulgent ventilation that we all seem to need occasionally.

Don't know how long you've been on those medications or how old you are, but please write again if your short, "agreeing" response was just a way for you to back away quickly from Kobojunkie's pointed, insightful reply.

You are obviously an intelligent person, but if you are unsure how to take the content of Kobojunkie's reply and apply it to your situation, keep in touch with people in this venue. We're not doctors, but seems most of us have "been there, done that" in one way or another, and I know you catch my drift. There seems always to be someone in this venue reading, caring and replying to posts, no matter what time of day or night. Ok? Ok.

[Sclarkstone in reply to Hidden]

I'm 30. Been on meds for years. Therapy, exercise, socialise etc all the things your meant to do.

I know that what you guys are saying is right, I've been trying for a long time now to fix things but not been successful yet. It's draining and demoralising. I know I just have to keep going.

[BonnieSue]

Hello Sclarkstone,

There really are pleasant people and normal lives and situations still out here in the world!! You just didn't happen to run into them in your little foray yet. But you will!! Just come out and look around a little more on some days, but remember this site is for people with specific problems and you will see those problems and more. I think you'll still get a feeling for normalcy coming through even so.

My life is fairly normal these days, can't complain much. If you want to vent, or ask a question, ask away!! Vent away!! I'm here for you, at your service! I hope you have a great day!

[Hidden]

Hello again, it's another day, and you have a fresh day to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. It's difficult at times to do that, but reread BonnieSue's post. It balances Kobojunkie's well.

We all have our dark days, and you seem, by experience, to know what helps you even though you say it drains you. If you are in the US, perhaps you and a friend can take advantage of one the numerous activities on this Memorial Day. You don't need to "fix" anything. Just take one step into life without thinking about all the challenges you feel you need to "fix". Give yourself a vacation from that today. You're young ad I wish you a better day today than you had yesterday. Like BonnieSue, I'm in a good place right now. But have been where you are now. I have some daily challenges like everyone else, but I'll get past that feeling of, "what again?" in a few minutes and get on with my day.

That's pretty much what a regular life is like.

You write well and express yourself very well. Hope you keep a daily journal.

Do keep in touch and write as often as you want. We are not doctors but we are excellent listeners and supporters.

Ok? And if you are a veteran, thank you for your service.