I have been in a major battle with my depression and anxiety for the last couple months and I have been in a very dark place. I finally had a mental break about 10 days ago and was starting to feel the cloud dissipate that has been over me. But then....BOOM my husband's drinking problem rears its ugly head again and this time it was very very bad. He tried to fight my brother and ended up in jail for the night. I rescued him once from the police and convinced them to let me take him home instead of them taking him but he couldn't behave from there to the car, started another fight and ended up in jail for 18 hours. Due to this being far from the 1st 2nd or hell 20th time of things like this happening due to his drinking, I finally put my foot down and told him its me or the alcohol. He has decided to quit drinking and for anyone that has been through this, they know it is not easy. I am trying to stay very strong for him and help him through this but it is so very hard right now. I am still in a major funk myself and I am finding that I am faking smiling and pushing through very difficult days so that I can be there for him. I am worried that I am going to have another mental break and my behavior will push him to go drink and then my marriage is over, so needless to say my anxiety is through the roof right now. My brain has not shut off in 10 days now and just when I think my brain has covered every possibility and I will be able to clear my mind another scenario enters my brain and it just keeps going from there. How do you be strong and stay strong for someone else when you can barely stay strong for yourself? I am not sure how I am doing it or if I am even doing a good job but I am doing my best. I just hope I make it out the other end in a better mental spot. It doesn't look promising at this point, I cry, fall apart and implode almost every time I leave his sight. I cannot break down in front of him because right now his problem is bigger then mine and is actually both of our problems. I have to be strong for him so my marriage doesn't fall apart. If I cant help him through this and keep him sober my mental state will be far worse then where it is now. I cannot lose my husband for if I lose him I lose everything! Thank you for listening!
Over My Head: I have been in a major... - Anxiety and Depre...
Over My Head
Hi Hopethishelps!!
I want you to understand that it’s beyond your control to keep your husband sober! That’s something that only he can do. He has to have the gut desire to want to quit and the intestinal fortitude to actually do it. Yes, it’s hard, but this is his little red wagon! You should definitely be supportive, but realize that he has to want this for himself...and do the required work himself. Don’t be surprised if he stumbles...a person has to reach that point of wanting help to be ready to receive it. You cannot truly place him in this position as he has to arrive there himself. I hope this makes sense to you and the underlying tone isn’t lost on you...you cannot get your husband sober!! Go to some Al-Anon meetings and you’ll understand! I hope all works out for good!
Yes I know it is not my responsibility, he definitely has to do it for himself but my mind doesnt allow me to believe that 100% because if he fails then I lose so much and I worry about my mental state if he fails. I actually just spent yesterday looking up local Al-Anon meetings and plan to attend at least 1 or 2 this week and see if it give me any kind of help/relief/support. Thank you for your response Although I already knew all of what you said it still is nice to hear someone else say it because then its a little more real. 
Please don’t allow your mental state to be contingent upon his sobriety. Pursue your own specific mental health goals that are separate from him. Placing all your eggs in the basket of sobriety on your husbands part, is self-sabotage and impending doom. Please take care of you 1st!
First thing I want to say to you is this....stop trying to walk on egg shells around his drinking...it's not your fault, so stop trying to fix it.....I have been in recovery for a couple of decades....and this is a disease just as is depression. You should go to therapy for yourself, and take care of you. He will do whatever he is going to do no matter how hard you try....it will change nothing. If he is trying to stay sober for you...it will never work.....because you will be to blame when he falls off the wagon....which is really his choice to do so....as alcoholics who are in denial and actively drinking or are dry drunks for a time, will find blame with everyone and anyone or anything to start drinking again....
the thing is this....alcoholics don't need a reason to drink....Tuesday is a good day to start drinking....just as with depression.....it's a chemical thing in the brain....
We think we need to find a reason to be depressed and that somehow makes it all make sense then, but there is no reason why an alcoholic drinks, or someone who has depression is depressed. You just are....it's a disease....and it needs to be managed.....no different than having heart disease....it needs to be managed, because there is no cure.
If your husband is serious about getting sober,....then it's up to him, not you....he needs to get a support group when he's in trouble and wanting to drink, there are many kinds of support groups these days....not just AA.....
You on the other hand....need your own support group....Alanon, therapy, whatever it takes to detach from your husband’s drinking because no matter what you do, you cannot change him.....and it will tear you apart trying to.... your no good to anyone if you’re not well....so take care of you first and foremost. This has nothing to do with loving him or not, it has to do with you getting what you need. Many partners in an alcoholic relationship have a drinker or user, and an enabler, co-dependent, rescuer, the partner who wants to fix them....can't be done.
Thank you
take it from me....who was there once.....don't take on board his stuff.....you can love them, but you can't fix him...the leading the horse to water thing. Not every one has the luxury of being able to pack up and move on, nor do they want to. But no matter what, you have to mind yourself around this, and you need help to do it. You may want to get some tips on line: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
This is so true. Alcohol killed my last relationship
So a stand was made with your relationship drinking or me. I don’t completely agree, I think in your case the drinking has lead your husband to jail a couple of times. His drinking can’t be managed because he becomes violent. That is the stance I would push for. “Honey you become violent when you drink, I can’t have violence or abuse in my life. If your willing to stop drinking than at least there is a chance we can get help for our marriage” it’s way more than just not drinking, that needs to be clarified. I would actively try to write down and separate what is your issue and what is his issue. Seek help for your issues and guide him towards AA. He needs to find others that can help him through, it’s not you, you have enough on your plate. Many people can drink and are not abusive, your husband is not one of those people, there is no hope for a stable life with him drinking for sure..
Yes, this was just a brief overview. I didn't say it to him that way " me or the alcohol" I let him know that I do not feel safe and i am afraid every time he opens a beer because I never know who I am going to get by the end of the day. This is definitely not our first rodeo with this issue but it has to be the last. At this point I am more worried about my own mental state while we go through this difficult time.
You are in a tough situation. I am going to be completely honest with you after having lived with an addict. You are not responsible for his sobriety. If he drinks, you are not to blame. I don't care how much you fall apart, he is responsible for his choices. You cannot be perfect enough to get him to stop. You will continue to get worse the more you try to control this. If you want him to get better, be ready to follow through on your boundary. If he drinks again, he leaves or you leave. Its not forever, but it will give you space from the actions of his drinking. If you cannot follow through on your boundary, your words don't mean anything. An addict will do what is needed to get you to stop hounding them. But their actions are what you need to believe. I am sorry if I am being too direct. I care about your wellness. There is hope. Both of you can heal and get better. I have seen it happen many times. Hang in there.
Thank you very much for this. I needed it.
Hi hopethishelps1984, I come to this support group and read about other people and I try to offer something. It takes my mind off my own issues.
Not sure where you live but on US Tv there is a show I watch all the time and it's called Intervention. I like to hear their stories and how they came to their drug of choice be it meth, heroin or alcohol etc. I have various mental issues and sleeping and isolating are my drugs of choice. I'm so messed up I stayed up all night until 11 am and slept until 10 pm. I hate it.
As for you and what I've learned from watching Intervention is that you need to take care of yourself FIRST. I know you want to help your husband but take care of you TOO. How can you be any good to your husband if you're not doing well? Take care of you. 🌻🌻🌻
I do know I need to take care of myself first, however, if I focus on me he falls apart and so does my marriage so though i know its not the proper way to handle things, I have to work on me when I can but have to focus mostly on helping my husband get through at least the initial hump of not drinking. Just another week or 2 and he should be in a good groove and I can get back to working on me. Life would be so much easier without these mental issues! I am loving this website and the support I am receiving though. I thank everyone who has commented on my posts. You all have helped me at least a little with your advice.
I am not sure where things are at now- but I hope that you have been able to find grounding, and if you are still struggling your job is your own care, he is going to have to do the work and stay sober n matter what himself,
Al-anon helped me- God and my faith helped me. Be good to yourself. Many Blessings
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