Repeating anxiety

Hello guys,

I am suffering from anxiety disorder. I am taking Efexor. My story is quite long, but I will summarise it.

I had a traumatic childhood. My mom died when I was 6. I was very lonely after that. I lived with my grandfather with fear to lose him too.

My father abondoned me. Never came to see me.

I did not see my sister a lot either.

I grew up in a bad place with full of gangsters.

One day I had a fight with a group, and anxiety disorder became permanent for me that day.

My life is getting perfect. I graduated from very good schools, I am getting popular in my field. My financial status is well.

But I am afraid... Even when I hear a good news, anxiety comes and hugs me.

I am afraid of losing everything, I am afraid of death, I am afraid of losing my beloved ones.

I am afraid of everything.

Attacks do not happen all the time. But if it happens, it goes on and on for 2-3 days.

I want to continue to be successful in my job, but it makes me feel like it will hurt me at the end. There is no reason for that, but I am still afraid.

I am afraid of being afraid when I get old.

I think a lot. I live alone now. I am in Turkey and I spent a lot of money to recover. But the only thing that I could get is medicine.

I went to "talking change" therapies in London. But it takes too long to get appointment in England. I quitted.

I do not want to live like this, I want to be brave and strong.

I am not thinking of hurting myself. I am afraid of death, I am afraid of getting old and alone.

I cant sleep sometimes. Because I think a lot about work and future(no matter if I am afraid or not). Sometimes I get very angry at someone / something and cant sleep because of thinking about him / her.

I can't sleep when I get afraid too.

Normally I sleep a lot.

I get very busy sometimes. I like that. But it makes me feel very bad in some occassions. Sometimes I just want to turn my phone off and go to a silent place. But I can't. I am even too confused about the problem's itself.

I do not know what to do. Help me.

Note: Efexor kills my brain. It gives me sleep and I forget many things.

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5 Replies

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  • It sounds like you still need that appointment for counseling so you can have your loved ones close to you and live to an old age with them around you and caring for you. You can afford to be on a long waiting list because old age won't come before you get to the top of that list, right? And just maybe you'll learn a little bit about being patient which is a valuable skill, especially in dealing with loved ones. You need lots of it. You may want to be brave and strong, but when you are old and weak, bravery comes in a different form than when you are younger and stronger. It involves patience and abandoning yourself to another's care and entrusting yourself to those charged with caring for you because you no longer can care fully for yourself. Now you must accept what you are given whether you think it's adequate or not. If you can voice an opinion, that's great. And if you can't, that's not so great. And if you're actually listened to, that's very good, and hopefully will bring about change.

  • Thanks for the reply. I can't continue going to "talking change" because I moved to Turkey because of my new job. There are some private psychologists here, but they just presicribe (sorry if I spell it wrong) medicine - talking therapies here are not as good as in the UK as far as I know.

    I talk to people whom I love, it makes me a bit relieved. But They can't be with me all the time since they have their own lives.

    I have a fiance. I am feeling like I do not do any good to her. I even fear that one of our children will be anxious and depressed like me because this problem is genetic. I am like a mad person. I am anxious when I am not angry. I am sleeping when I am not anxious. I really envy people who live happily for 2 days in order. If I am happy one day, I feel upset or anxious the next day.

    Sorry for the mistakes in my English

    Many thanks for the reply again

  • Your English is fine. I understand your fears. Maybe you can be your own therapist. How can you teach yourself to do better on your "off" day? Bring your fiancee into this and let her help you. Together you 2 can do this. Yes, you may well pass this onto a child of yours. I've seen it pass to my sons. It's a decision you must think about. You can work out code words with her so that you know when she is warning you that you're stepping into a problem behavior. Time to back off. Something like that. And together you can work out what some answers might be. Your life may be different from others but so what? God made you different and you must live life as you are. So what if you get less done in a day because you must stop because of your frame of mind that day. So you stop rather than yell at your wife or child. Whatever it takes. You live the good life, the right way that you want your life to be. And you'll have loved ones around you all of your life. That's what you wanted!!!

  • I also take effexor and it does not kill my brain. I however have clonazepam too which helps with controlling the anxiety and panic attacks. And I also take bupropion, another anti-represent to help take care of some of the symptoms that effexor does not take care of.

    you need to realize that effexor is not a cure all for every symptom of depression. You should talk to your doctor about getting treatment that covers all your symptoms. About the sleep and memory loss issues, try seeing a neurologist for a complete assessment.

    you decide what quality of life you want and live. If you really need relief, you have to be proactive and look everywhere you can to find and get treatment you need.

  • I have also experienced a lot of loss in my life. It taught me to react and think in a negative way when certain things happen, just like what you are doing. You have to retrain your brain to focus on positive thoughts. It is hard work. Don't immediately go to the worst possible thing when something happens. Also focus your thoughts on just today. By worrying over tomorrow, we rob ourselves of the joy of today. The serenity prayer has helped me alot. I have it posted in several rooms of my house and at work. Take a thankfulness challenge. When you wake, take some time to list 2-3 things you are thankful for. Do some things to put your mind on positive thoughts for the day (journalling, music, exercise). At the end of the day, get with your fiance and each if you list three good things that happened that day. Doesn't have to be big; could simpy something like lunch was really yummy or someone took the time to smile at you. A self help workbook for anxiety would probably help you since you don't have access to a therapist. What about a medical app that could provide you with a therapist (like "Doctor on Demand")? Not sure what the cost is, but might be worth investigating. If you have some form of health insurance in Turkey, the insurance company might offer a service where a therapist calls you regularly. I've done that before and it was quite helpful to at least get me started on a path of positivity and recovery. I am so very sorry for all you've dealt with and for your loss. But, it sounds like you have many wonderful things happening for you now. Our challenge is to not let past trauma or future events steal our happiness and joy that is occurring right now. We cannot control past or future, we can only control right now at this moment.

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