Do You Know Where You're Going To , Do You Like What Life Is Showing You?

I am a 51 year old morbidly obese female who wonders if she will ever know peace and happiness. I have been in and out of therapy since my teens. I am afraid of relationships and push most people away before they get close because I am afraid they will discover how pathetic I really am. I give up my identity to be what others want and feel like I don't know who I am. Just want to know what belonging and feeling normal is like. If I can help anyone from teens on up with my experiences then I would be happy to. Been on multiple antidepressants but am not always compliant in taking them. On and off history of self injury. Married but feel empty. Depression, anxiety and occasional panic attacks are my unwelcome companions.

[Fuzzypandaxx]

My mother has dealt with depression her whole life and myself and both of my siblings deal with it as well. My mother always said to me that being normal and fitting in never exist because everyone is different. It may not be super helpful but it reminds me everyday that it's not a bad thing to not be like others. Also look at this site, tons of people are going through the same as you

[Hidden in reply to Fuzzypandaxx]

Thank you

[bcok01]

We are all so hard on ourselves, aren't we? I think that must be part of the illness. Maybe the biochemical part, or the environmental part, I don't know. I grew up in a family of people who intellectualized and analyzed everything. We argued for sport. We put each other down as part of our regular communications. I internalized the negative perceptions and made them my own, even though they're not true. I had a hard day today so I've been reading a lot about anxiety and depression. I ran across an article written by a person who suffers as well, and she talked about how she does one really nice thing for herself every day. Just some small thing, like a favorite cup of tea, or a bath with a favorite scent, or a walk, or whatever. Just one nice thing so we can begin to learn how to be kinder to ourselves. And you are definitely not a freak -- you're just one of us.

[Hidden in reply to bcok01]

Your kindness is greatly appreciated. Thank you for sharing. You are obviously an intelligent thoughtful person. Frequently in my sessions with my therapist we talk about being able to understand the illness intellectually but not emotionally or in the heart. I am sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope you are trying the suggestion you shared about doing something kind for yourself. Feel good knowing that taking the time to read and respond to my post you made a positive difference in my day. I understand the family thing. My mother used to spend time talking about the mistakes my siblings were making from a therapeutic mindset. What was she saying about me and my failures in her estimation to them. Hope you have a pleasant and peaceful evening.

[Kobojunkie]

well, if you truly want to be happy and free from depression symptoms you have to be willing to work at it. since you have been through therapy as long as you suggest, i would suggest it is time for some self-therapy

To truly want change, you have to be willing to commit to reaching your goal. You have to be willing to change your behavior and take more responsibility over your wellbeing. You need to have a long and deep discussion with yourself there. Of course self sabotaging behavior never yields much good so you have a lot of introspection to do.

[Hidden in reply to Kobojunkie]

I like your response. I respect a person that can see another point of view. Your answer makes me think from a different perspective than the one I routinely see. Sometimes I need to read, hear or hear a message that takes me out of my standard discomforting 'comfort' zone. Thank for your input.