Hi 👋 .. lol I almost typed my name. As you can most likely tell, I'm new to this. I am a female, currently 16, going on to 17 years old. I've been struggling with depression, well I can't give you an exact time frame, but I knew I was depressed at the age of 14. Before hand... well let's just say even if the events in my life didn't play out the way they had I still think I could/ would have gotten depressed, due to some emotional dips I had that I never noticed until I experienced major depression. I've been struggling with major depression since. There was a very dark period in between that time and now where I didn't want to be here and I once tried to leave. I am not in that dark of place but I still think of it( not wanting to do it nessisarily just a passing, fluttering thought daily) for the last 2 1/2 ish years I've been struggling with self harm and recently received help from an online friend. I've been clean for 2 weeks and 4 days and I feel like slipping back. It like I can't grasp on to a reason to stop anymore. Anyway after the depression came the anxiety . The first time I had a panic attack was in the middle of practice. The next day I had 6 panic attacks, one practically every period, for the whole period. 3 of them were so bad I had to leave the class for most of the period, while the other three I just sat in class shaking, gripping my pencil or desk trying not to let anyone hear me hyperventilating. Since I've been talking to this online friend, I'm not in a constant feeling of depression but I have ups and downs so fast. It's like he helps me and triggers me at the same time sometimes. And it really irritating and infuriating to me on how insecure I've become. Especially about what he thinks, even though he has never put me down. lol I almost feel he turned my depression into bipolar disorder. I originally started talking to him because I could just vent, Vent to a random stranger then I could leave. Now that I care about him and what he thinks, when I want to open up to him I trigger myself, saying I'm just a nucence and a burden no matter how much he protests. How can someone saying the same thing over and over not be? Sorry this was way more than I wanted to post, especially for the first post, but it helped me not give in to the itch and the imidiate moment.
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