Getting Worse again it seems

[FreeSpirit2001]

Hi guys... it's been awhile since I've been on, but lately all my problems are getting worse..like a lot worse. I'm currently a full time student, and anyone who's read my first post knows part of my background a little I guess. Anyways lately I feel like I'm in a really bad fog. It's hard to think, hard to focus, hard to keep up with my work. My best friend can ask me a question and I not remember what we talked about later that night. (None of this is usually this bad, which is part of why I'm so concerned lately.) I keep having flashbacks too kind of, more frequently now, only now they seem to get to me more than before. Maybe they're getting worse too, most of the time they aren't real memories anymore but fake ones, fake images or twisted ones revolving around "what if he died" or "what if it were me instead" or all kinds of things that are so much worse, combining my fears with reality. My "triggers" as they seem (still not sure what to call them yet) are still as unpredictable and unreliable as ever, as I never know what will set my mind off, and half the time things that should do or don't, it's like a coin toss of terror. Who knew you could have nightmares while awake? Lately I haven't been eating well either, I lost 11 pounds (a lot for a smaller person) an about a month and haven't been able to get it back since, and along with this problem I now feel nauseous after I eat anything too (not sure if this is just due to anxiety or because one day every time I tried to eat a trigger came up and it's screwed me up somehow (the triggers weren't related to food btw)). I remember one of my triggers was so bad one night, that combined with my fog and other worries i was up until around 3am just crying one night. Started putting a pieces of tape on my hands lately too because I'm tired of getting worse without progress, and I know it probably sounds stupid but I got tired of breaking down, I've been losing my battles it feels like and I needed something to "see" I guess that I'm still holding together, and tape seems to work for now. Not sure if constant oversleeping is another symptom I should worry about too. Lastly, I took a DSM-5 test on my own lately just to see if my suspicions about having PTSD were anywhere near true. Turns out I scored a 55, with the baseline diagnosis cutoff being 33. Now I'm unsure whether to show the test results to my therapist (a new thing for me, she's still in the getting to know me and asking questions phase) or if I should just not, and see what her honest opinion is about me first without them. If anyone knows any ways to help or cope with any of this stuff, I'd greatly appreciate it, even just to talk. I don't tend to open up much, but sometimes conversation can help I hear.. especially when people feel so scared or helpless or alone. Again, anything helps, thanks.

[Kobojunkie]

"You don't need to suffer needlessly" .. Dr Oz

see your psychiatrist and spill your guts to him and let him know you mean business. I like to write down all my issues on paper so in case I get anxious when I see my doctor, I have it all written down for him to read for himself.

[FreeSpirit2001 in reply to Kobojunkie]

I already try, only once I get there my mind goes blank, journal or not. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Kobojunkie in reply to FreeSpirit2001]

that is why I start writing a week before my appointment to write it all down.i wrote down the medications and supplements I am on. My exercise routine.(if any), my daily routine, and then my issues. I try to go into detail and also throw in some example attacks and how that left me feeling about myself and the effect it had on my life in general.

I have the paper in hand while waiting to see the doctor and once I am called in, I just hand it over to him and.he can read and I can spend that time calming down, getting ready for any follow up questions he may have after reading my two pages.lol

[FreeSpirit2001 in reply to Kobojunkie]

I really do try things like that, and thanks for the advice, but even if I have stuff out, I can't talk. Even thinking about saying things on my own to someone else, I freeze up and go mute, I can't say anything until I'm asked and even then it never comes out in words that really describe how I feel. Probably why therapy goes so slow, my therapist has to initiate most of our conversations. Also any tips on the other stuff? Still kinda lost there too, really don't know what to do

[mitch404]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having a difficult period. Are there things, even little things, that give you joy? Maybe a certain song or food or movie or activity? Whatever things they are, try and focus on those things - and hopefully build strength from them. I hope you feel better soon!

[FreeSpirit2001 in reply to mitch404]

I'm trying, even if they don't seem to be working as much as before. Thank you though, I'll keep trying

[mitch404 in reply to FreeSpirit2001]

I understand that it can be difficult. Just be kind to yourself and take things one small step at a time. People care. They really do!