He doesn't call back, his phone is shut off....and I am here freaking out reading ridiculous 'does your man really love you' websites.

[Fancyheader]

Hi,

I'm a grad student with gad, a deadline that has zoomed by already, and a new relationship of some sorts. I really need to finish writing some papers, I was anxious and hoped my boyfriend would be available for a chat but he didn't pick up the phone, didn't reply to my texts (yes, a number of them in the meantime).....and now it's early next morning and I'm freaking out because I am afraid he doesn't love me. Of course I think I'm being silly (am I?), but I can't help myself, I'm in the downward spiral of negativity. I got sick of those websites (that I was desperately going to earlier tonight to find answers) telling me that a man will always run away when a woman seems desperate....so I came here. Not sure if anything can help....I was just wondering if other people with anxiety experience the same thing in their relationships (or if I am really a desperate bunny that is chasing my man away).....and what did you do about it. I plan to tell him about this freaking episode, whenever he finally does pick up the phone or calls me back, and that I hope we can find a solution, but I absolutely do not want to give him the impression that I am trying to tie him down, because I don't want to tie him down, I want him to be happy and flourish. Still, not tying him down gives me heaps of anxiety.

Thank you.

[SMH06]

Hello, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I too suffer with aniexty; but, in the past, I've taken the opposite approach (when it comes to relationships). I was the type that prefered space, possibly out of fear being hurt. I am sure that there are others women who share the same experience. I am not sure if my advice fits your situation, but what I've learned over the years is to identify my insecurities. It's hard, but take cues from him. Does he seem interested? Is he attentive to your needs? Don't scare him away by being aggressive and making your insecurities his guilt. I hope this helps...easier said than done...true enough.

[Fancyheader in reply to SMH06]

Thank you so much!

I talked to him today. He was very attentive, left messages etc (went to a concert forgot about his phone last night), and he said it is all very familiar. He is an anxious person too, although I am not sure yet in which way. He told me that at some point he was diagnosed with ocd.

I have had many relationships and 'flings' before this and the ones I had the severest crushes on always ran away fast because I would be 'too clingy'. So I am afraid like hell this man will do the same and I havd explained all this to him and told him about my insecurities and that I really do not expect him to come rescue me etc, but that fear and anxiety does pop up. I don't know him that long yet and he is scared as hell of his own feelings so he is very cautious (he didn't want to be 'a boyfriend' at first, i'm his first relationship), which I respect......

I have a really good feeling about this with him, but that also makes me so afraid that he will change his mind. You see, it is a source of joy (i feel so good when he's around) but then again also a new source of anxiety. I am very happy that he was calm and wise in his reactions to me today, he empathised and told me it was great out today and i could take a walk....that's always good advise, and it was indeed great out.

We'll see what the future will bring....

Thank you again.

[BonnieSue]

Have you considered counseling to rid you of the "clingy-ness"? You don't have to live with this for the rest of your life...I'd seriously consider counseling. You also could use it because of your anxiety. You may or may not need medication and in counseling you may be able to determine if you should see a doctor about your anxiety. It sounds like IT rules YOU. Anxiety shouldn't have the kind of control you write about. It should be under your control. So please consider seeing a good counselor.

Blessings...

[Fancyheader in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you, but I have a great therapist and am on prozac. Usually I can handle myself rather well, but not always, like this time (which is rare, but it's the combination of the deadline and not having anybody to talk to there and then). I am fine again now and can see the bigger picture again. When I read back what I wrote, I think I sound pretty nuts, but you know how it is, I assume: when inside one of those anxiety outbursts it is not easy to get out and stay somewhat level headed.

[BonnieSue in reply to Fancyheader]

Okay, glad you're fine now. But you did indicate that this happens repeatedly in your relationships. You said "I have had many relationships and 'flings' before this and the ones I had the severest crushes on always ran away fast because I would be 'too clingy'." That indicates there has been several other times you were too clingy, does it not?

Yes, I DO understand that when in a great deal of anxiety you don't always stay level-headed. Usually I can tell when I'm not making sense even when anxious, but not always. Glad you're doing fine now.

[Fancyheader in reply to BonnieSue]

Hi, thanks! I have been diagnosed about a year ago, and I was nervous before but it was never diagnosed. I'm not sure what it means that they ran away because of clinginess, part of it is their issue I'm sure. But I'm exploring this with my therapist now because yes, I certainly do not want to chase others away. So, I agree, that this is an issue to look at a bit.

[BonnieSue in reply to Fancyheader]

You're making good sense. Congrats! I'll bet you do fine in counseling.