So I saw my therapist today and it was super funny how I started to realize where my anxiety comes from. During this time of year I do get a little bit more depressed and sad (seasonal depression) but this is also the time of year my parents got separated when I was 9. IT was a really hard time for me and I never saw a healthy and good relationship. So when this time of year comes around and I am in a relationship my anxiety shoots up. I get worried I overthink I think of the WORSE possible conclusion even though I could never go through with it and I just have racing thoughts and I worry to no end. I never understood this. I randomly woke up one day 2 years ago with my ex and had these stomach nauseating pains where I couldn't even eat and directed the anxiety directly to him because things were going so well I immediately thought of him and boom anxiety came up so I thought something was wrong with my relationship and i had to end it even though I didn't want to. It didn't end up working out he was not supportive and told me to "get over it" or "couldn't understand why I couldn't just stop thinking about it" even though I gave him articles and articles on how anxiety is an illness he didn't believe me and just was there to support but then would tell me I was stressing him out or I needed to get helped or he couldn't handle it anymore. Long story short he sucked and is gone thank goodness.
I am in a SUPER healthy relationship now with a man who is listening and told me to talk to him whenever because thats the best thing to do is talk it out and bounce ideas off of each other which is true. He is so supportive and loving and just ugh WONDERFUL (sorry got super happy haha) but then suddenly legit EXACT same time as my ex my anxiety started up end of september beginning of october and I finally began to realize this was the time of year my parents got divorced. I was devastated when they did and even talking about it my stomach is churning a bit and I started to tear up with my therapist. I never really realized the impact it had on me until now where I was trying to be the strong one and support my younger brother when I needed support too. I saw the hell my mother went through and the stress it put on our family. My dad is wonderful don't get me wrong but he sees everything black and white and was either in or out and didn't want to work on things...which in a sense translated over to me because I looked up to him so much. I wanted to be that strong nothing bothers me I got this kind of person....yet I need help too and its ok to ask for it.
I never had great relationships I would always get annoyed or put up MAJOR walls and run away and just never got close to someone. So my ex was my first serious serious one and I learned a lot about myself. Now I am with a man where I can find no flaws (even though my anxiety looks for them) and am treated with such respect and love it is so new and scary to me. But realizing where my anxiety is coming from really has helped me understand why i gear it towards relationships and that this is something I just have to work on daily and it is ok to have good and bad days.
I am wondering if anyone else has been through this too? Always here to help and listen to others issues and experiences <3