Realizing the start of the anxiety

[AlexaLee7811]

So I saw my therapist today and it was super funny how I started to realize where my anxiety comes from. During this time of year I do get a little bit more depressed and sad (seasonal depression) but this is also the time of year my parents got separated when I was 9. IT was a really hard time for me and I never saw a healthy and good relationship. So when this time of year comes around and I am in a relationship my anxiety shoots up. I get worried I overthink I think of the WORSE possible conclusion even though I could never go through with it and I just have racing thoughts and I worry to no end. I never understood this. I randomly woke up one day 2 years ago with my ex and had these stomach nauseating pains where I couldn't even eat and directed the anxiety directly to him because things were going so well I immediately thought of him and boom anxiety came up so I thought something was wrong with my relationship and i had to end it even though I didn't want to. It didn't end up working out he was not supportive and told me to "get over it" or "couldn't understand why I couldn't just stop thinking about it" even though I gave him articles and articles on how anxiety is an illness he didn't believe me and just was there to support but then would tell me I was stressing him out or I needed to get helped or he couldn't handle it anymore. Long story short he sucked and is gone thank goodness.

I am in a SUPER healthy relationship now with a man who is listening and told me to talk to him whenever because thats the best thing to do is talk it out and bounce ideas off of each other which is true. He is so supportive and loving and just ugh WONDERFUL (sorry got super happy haha) but then suddenly legit EXACT same time as my ex my anxiety started up end of september beginning of october and I finally began to realize this was the time of year my parents got divorced. I was devastated when they did and even talking about it my stomach is churning a bit and I started to tear up with my therapist. I never really realized the impact it had on me until now where I was trying to be the strong one and support my younger brother when I needed support too. I saw the hell my mother went through and the stress it put on our family. My dad is wonderful don't get me wrong but he sees everything black and white and was either in or out and didn't want to work on things...which in a sense translated over to me because I looked up to him so much. I wanted to be that strong nothing bothers me I got this kind of person....yet I need help too and its ok to ask for it.

I never had great relationships I would always get annoyed or put up MAJOR walls and run away and just never got close to someone. So my ex was my first serious serious one and I learned a lot about myself. Now I am with a man where I can find no flaws (even though my anxiety looks for them) and am treated with such respect and love it is so new and scary to me. But realizing where my anxiety is coming from really has helped me understand why i gear it towards relationships and that this is something I just have to work on daily and it is ok to have good and bad days.

I am wondering if anyone else has been through this too? Always here to help and listen to others issues and experiences <3

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

Hi Alexa, I'm sorry I'm just now seeing your post. I just recently realized this site was up and running. What you are saying makes perfect sense. I've never been able to make the connection so succinctly as you have. I definitely push people away and get anxious when things get serious based on my family origin and then I find a reason to get rid of them. I have pushed away some really awesome people. I'm glad you are seeing it when you are and I hope things go well with you and your new love.

[AlexaLee7811 in reply to kinikia95]

Hey there! no worries at all ! I hope you had some insight on this too! It really was an eye opener for me. It just all clicked together! Why my parents divorce really felt like in a sense of abandonment from true love and family values. I always thought MY parents would never divorce they are too good of a couple. Then I would push away friends I constantly did in fear of being left and hurt and I had a lot of really close friends back stab me, talk behind my back, never stick up for me..when I would have done all the opposite for them. I never got close to people or could convince myself i didn't like a guy in a heart beat because he was too nice or too good and not "cool" enough. I ran away from relationships a lot and thankfully I had all good relationships well not good good but they weren't like nasty or cheating on me. But my first first relationship I EVER had I was fascinated by him. I was just so all about the fact he liked me it was awesome! but then I felt the only way to keep him interested was to always be sexual with him and it just ruined it for me and he was seeing other girls behind my back never told anyone about me nothing. So that really I guess had an affect on me. I had other relationships but I always would make up scenarios as why they were too good for me or why it wouldn't work out or other girls wanted them why would they want me ha you name it! lol and then I had a recent one about 1 year ago with my ex we had been dating for almost 2 years and I just was a wreck! I was always anxious and worrying and over thinking and analyzing and worried he would leave me like ALL the time. My anxiety came up and was worried I didn't love him or want to be with him ( aka the wall building up and trying to find things that annoyed me or were wrong) I would tell him to be more carrying or then at times I needed himto be like GTFO it because he was annoying me how sweet he was or little things would annoy me about him and I was just like GET OVER IT! because like I said anxiety is your comfort zone it wants to build walls to protect you. But this relationship I have now is literally I cannot explain how god damn lucky I am to have found this. It is so healthy so respectful and open and communicative I never feel judged or unlvoed or anything. But the MOMENT my nightmares came back I knew that was it. I was terrified about how much I loved him because he might find someone better and leave me. I could not believe how that all clicked together and everything in my life just boom clicked! I have been getting better daily but that was the real push over and I am really seeing the light now. I hope this helps you and if you ever need to talk I am always here