My wife and I are struggling through quarantine. She says my ADHD isn't under control. I was just diagnosed in November and have been testing different medications since then, currently landing on 20 mg of Ritalin paired with Lexapro. I'm not as anxious as I was in the past, but i'm still struggling to do everything my wife wants me to do. I keep lists and make alarms, which has helped, but I'm still not good enough at getting everything done and following through. Any improvements I make are undone by any one mistake.
I read relationship books and articles, especially focused around things to improve quarantine. One article said to assume 95% of the responsibility because she has done enough and that's the modus operandi I try to live by. She has asthma, so she's high risk, so I go out and get all our meals, all our groceries, hardware store, whatever we have to go out for. I scheduled, dropped off and paid for our dog's haircuts. I sweep, and mop the house, do the dishes and laundry and clean the bathrooms as well as wash the dogs. She gets mad at me for not changing the sheets more frequently, but she rarely gets out of bed, but I don't think I can make that point without her getting mad.
I've tried more playful things to improve her mood because another book I read about being with someone who is depressed is to be relentlessly positive. There's still a fort in our living room and I leave notes all other the house. I send her a note every day of something about her or us that I appreciate. I also have started send notes of my mistakes and how i'm going to make things better because she asked me to. My quarantine beard became a quarantine stache for a quick second.
But our communication is still suffering. I'm doing all of the aforementioned, and she says she's trying, but I can't ask "like what?" because she'll get upset. She has mentioned that she's changed the way we argue, which is true because she used to call me retarded, incompetent, a child, a dog, and disabled among other things and she has stopped doing that after numerous counselors addressed it. Last night she got mad because I became defensive when she said she hadn't seen the things I've done or the things I was doing wasn't helpful.
We're both getting depressed, and she's said some alarming things. She used to take medication for it but stopped in December. Her depression and more so my inability to make her happy is making me depressed. I'm trying desperately, but little seems to work, and when she says something hurtful I'll get defensive and any good is undone.
I'm currently making a list of additional coping mechanisms for me to address and integrate into my life as well as identify the overarching cause.
Suggestions please. I'm desperate.
Thanks,
Written by
jschoolfailure
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It sounds like you are going above and beyond to fill in the missing gaps. However, you cannot do this alone. It's requires active participation on both ends of the spectrum. My wife and I went through a hardship where I had an active addiction to opioids. During this trying time she supported me as I sought the necessary help. I'm not going to say it was a easy journey, but then again there's nothing about marriage that is easy. You make a choice to love your spouse no matter what, except for if one's life is threatened or undergoing physical abuse.
Your wife has to be active participant with you, if she unwilling to do so. Whatever the end goal is it will thus not be accomplished.
I hear you. You’re right. She is spending a bunch of time in bed but I see it as my responsibility to do more to help. No matter what she’s doing and how much I’m doing, I can always do more. I just have to be more strategic of what I do. That’s why I’m asking for advice for something more, something new, something different I can do to help her through this difficult period.
Jschool, you asked suggestions, take care if yourself (get therapy for yourself. )
I go twice a week my wife is not willing to do couples counseling. Your doing good you have identified the problem and you’re seeking help. You are doing the best you can!
I was diagnosed at 62 years old and now 67. What I’ve learned over the past five years I will continue to work on corrective think, feelings and behavior for the rest of my life. My goal for me is seeking some balance and meaningfulness.
We are the Fortunate ones now diagnosed ADHD and willing to do the work to try to correct-our actions. I’m grateful for that. Compared to all of the unfortunate people out there that have ADHD and don’t know it.
J... It sounds like you’re doing more than your fair share and she needs to acknowledge how much you already have been doing. You’ve been stepping it up, taking care of business and she sounds ungrateful and taking you for granted. I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you are doing your part like I sad and I’m lieu of your issues, you managed to also try to make her happy... You know what? Time for her to also step up and take better care and management of herself.
One sided relationships suck, and you’re only getting burnt out because it’s only you steering the ship so to speak. So, she needs to be held accountable for her own issues and if she wants to make things work in the relationship, to be a contributing partner as well. Balancing it out.
Again, sorry to sound harsh but I’ve been there in my own way too and sounds like you’re doing too much now, getting taken advantage of. I hope your situation gets better soon. And kudos to you honey for bettering yourself albeit in this crummy situation, you doing good👌All the best to you!!
You are enabling somebody to stay in their current life circumstances as is. You are not helping the situation, you are making it worse! It's like buying heroin for your kid, and say have more it's at my expense if they are a drug addict. You are hitting your head against the wall looking for answers, bc you're doing the same thing looking for a different result. Recovery process of any kind requires an active participant, you cannot make somebody participate. It's their decision to meet you halfway. The only way for this situation to thrive is you and your spouse come up with solutions together cohesively.
I agree with the other responders here. You alone can NOT make anyone else happy; only yourself.
Insist that your wife get back on her meds for depression. Sounds like things have taken a bad turn since she stopped them. AND, she does need to get out of bed. My fiance has asthma too, but that has not slowed him down. He's an accomplished scientist, and handles our finances, and does home improvement projects every day. He uses an asthma inhaler if things get really bad, and has a breathing machine at night. It's a CPAP.
What meds does your wife take for asthma?? Are they working? Does she need something different?? These are questions for her to figure out. No one can lead a productive life by laying in bed all day. And, sorry if I sound harsh, but she can change her own damn sheets.
All relationships have times when one person takes more and gives less. BUT, this should also change to them giving more and taking less. Your wife needs to meet you halfway, instead of just complaining about what you have or have NOT done.
If you can, get your wife into joint counseling with you. If she won't go, then get her some books to read with you like a workbook style; "The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage"
(A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) Paperback – November 1, 2003
by Susan Heitler (Author), Abigail Hirsch (Author)
And, like the other responders said before, solutions need to come from both of you. Maybe one thing you could say to her is "Honey, I am worried that you are not getting out of bed. What needs to happen so that you can get up and take a shower?"
She might get mad at you first, but stick with it, and let her know that you love her and want her to be ok. One thing for sure is that her muscles are just atrophying and getting week by doing nothing.
Do a fun excersize with her. Does she like to dance? Did she used to run?? Do you have a swimming pool. Find something she likes to do and do it with her to get her up and out of bed.
I think you may be still processing your diagnosis. She’ll come around it takes time and we all hate waiting. Try to go on walks together to talk about it. Nature is healing.
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