So...I have the ability to hyperfocus on body language and can feel vibes very strongly...yet I lack in creativity like others...I'm am damn near 110% sure my son AND his girlfriend has ADHD...every single little detail I'm constantly analyzing...I'm going to be truthful...I detest being in the same room when all their traits are exposed...almost like the mask has slipped...I get so wound up...I cant think with all the interruptions.
I'm doing everything I can to stop it triggering...yet I always find myself on my own in my bedroom watching Netflix.
I feel like, when you put 2 ppl with torrets in a room and all of a sudden it a whole strip of fire crackers going off till they just give up... it's really starting to bug me as I don't know to deal with it...I'm still processing what adhd actually is...ive always said to my children, 'let me make the mistakes so you don't have to' but yet I struggle to co-operate in a conversation so my knowledge isn't getting shared like I REALLY want it to...
I could be a real asset to my son and his girlfriend...I go SUPER deep when I want to understand a certain subject...but the years of being told to shut up when I hyperventilate with knowledge, I'm worried I'm going to come across being weird and not get listened to...and to be fair that really is the situation.
How the he'll am I suppose to help when internally I'm have a raging war going on...? I know deep down I can help with there life struggles, just too many negatives floating around in my brain...fml
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One thing I've learned as a parent who has ADHD is to let them come to you if they need help. They also truly take in advice you give even if they seem to be annoyed with your knowledge on things. Also, blanket statements leave room for them to ask questions. I understand your struggles.
This is true and I feel like that...if they need me I'm here!...I can sometimes be a little unapproachable hench me hiding away everytime I'm going through the emotions of adhd...ive had long conversation with my son and since then it seems like he's getting worse...this is quiet normal as the more your adhd is brought to light the more the mask slips, so I know how he's feeling...I just wish he would listen to me more often...he's making some pretty sh***y decisions at the moment...I want to help but then he'll go all adhd on me and it triggers me which results in us banging our heads together and is counter productive...I'm trying my best to find common ground, it's not easy 😮💨
Have you tried the blanket statements through text so that you are not overwhelmed? Another idea is to say something like “you seem annoyed, what’s up?”
I do this for communication with my wife...I just can't hold a conversation without getting all worked up, so now we always text each other and talk...so many things get sorted that way...what I'm saying and my emotions never come out in order...I can litrally be shouting and I'm not angry, I'm just passionate...or I'll feel injustice about a situation and my brain just can't express it in a 'normal way' so it just comes around moody lol... I'm off for the weekend so I will try and find some time to have a quiet chat with him...ive just had a meds change and my mood is so much better today where I've managed to sleep like a baby lol...I am finding sleep is like THE main important thing for adhd...not enough sleep and my brain just fogs till my second lot of stims..
I’m so glad you found a med that helps. I’m learning in DBT about the stop method that helps with my “outbursts”, like the passionate loud uncomfortable communication you describe. Ialso am learning about risk factors that affect mood, like being hungry and sleepy, and how those need to be minimized for us to have better reactions to things. It really does help my adhd symptoms, just as you described.
I can completely understand having ADHD has been our gift and curse. The gift we learned everything in life the hard way so we tell ourselves the lie/story. "If I just had this information sooner I could be so much further along in life." Nope, we Hate being told what to do. The curse is, we believe we can just save people. (Even as I type this I can't stop myself from wanting to help). Lol.
Looking back there where 2 things my parents did really well in shaping my behavior.
1. Put me around positive environments and people I could model. Watched inspiring movies. As a visual learner it's easier to model the behavior.
To this day I drive my middle schooler an hour away each day for school because the environment at the local schools are toxic.
We emulate what we see and who we are around.
2. My dad used reverse phycology. Not sure if it was international or unintentional but it worked. I was hell bent on proving them wrong. ( His delivery was in a joking kind of way) but it was just enough.
He would say, "Are you about to cook, you don't know how to cook". Smiling and laughing. " okay, let me taste your food"
To this day I love cooking and all my family and friends invite me over their house to cook.
He did it with everything, cleaning, school, sports, painting, parenting and pretty much everything he wanted me to excel in.
As you already know not all kids are the same. For example these methods work great on my 13 year old, but my 17year old only responded to putting him in positive environments. He didn't like being told he was incapable.
Still learning on what works and doesn't work for each personality and each season of life. Lol
I hope this helps some, they are lucky to have you because from your post it sounds like you truly care about them.
I sit here all the time saying exactly that 'IF only I started this work 4yrs ago after diagnoses, I'd be so much further with understandings around adhd and things would be so much better'...when in reality I wasn't ready for the can of worms I was about to open...only been researching since beginning of December 2024 🫣... I can either sit here and think what if or I can just use my superpower of hyperfixating and learn the sh** out of it! Lol... I can go pretty deep...I'm currently working out ' perseption vs perspective '...partly this can help us excel in many areas although I kinda feel like I do this anyway...I always like to hear the other story...I can be quiet passionate about my perception on things...turn that round to their perspective and you got um, then your taking a different path and you listen rather then talk...
The reverse psychology sound like an excellent idea...unfortunately I grew up my younger teen years in the system so no parents to guide me...just kicked to th curb... having therapy (37) for 2 yrs straight helped me learn the skills I should of been taught as a child... best 2 yrs of my life so far...I have so many more tools to use...
it is very common for different people with adhd to have symptoms that clash with each other. Luckily me and my partners mesh well together, but my moms and mine were so bad I had to go no contact about 18 months ago. I wish mine would let me notice non verbal communications. I literally need people to be blunt with me and tell me what’s on my mind.
My wife is getting alot better, but she she has resting bitch face 😆 ...the body language isn't the best, but I'm getting use to that now days... I was only saying yesterday to a new labour worker I've taken on, 'Don't beat round the bush with me, you got something to say, just say it!!' In a good way... I just can't stand it, it set my sensory and thought pattern right out of aligment...just be straight lol
It sounds like you are saying you are hyper vigilant on body language, but with your wife it doesn’t fully match what she is feeling?
I usually tell people “I take feedback well and I don’t usually do well with nonverbal communication. Please communicate in the moment if I need to do something different”. I usually get a bit of initial shame, and comply because that’s what I had in my upbringing, but I like to know that I am making people happy with my behavior. I feel more rejection when people pull me aside to talk to me, and I can’t better myself if I don’t even remember I did something because weeks have passed before the feedback.
Oh very much so...I've done this since a child...I'd come home from school (pre big bang...the big divorce) I'd be analyzing my father to see which mood he was in before, as a 6 Yr old would, run up to him for a hug...It breaks my heart now realising he was adhd to sh** and never knew it...losing an eye at 30 yrs old it really couldn't of been easy for him...but it's kinda manifested now to sometimes over analysing ppl...although it's not often I'm wrong on my vigilance...does that make sense? 🤔
I also feel it's a defence bubble that forms around me...i become very hypervigilant thinking 'if I can work them out asap I'll be 1 step ahead'...I don't even need to but I do it anyway...like second nature...
I'd be the same...the 'can you come see me later?' Becomes 'oh sh**, what have I done...has someone said something about me...have I come across weird' ect ect and I have 30 situations buzzing around as if I im ready for battle...just to be disappointed that they just wanted to say how well I'm doing...or 'your strong minded can you lead'...massive complements really...
I'm a bit difficult when it comes to jokes and sarcasm...I just don't recognise it as it's kinda not a true emotion or response its just someone acting...
If I don't get it sorted straight away it's not getting sorted...it just send me crazy because I can't find the right respond that I needed if it was dealt with at the time...challenge me in a situation, fine...bring it up a week later it goes straight over my head as the prossing response is a bit absent.
I have trouble with sarcasm too. I am waiting for a neuro psych evaluation to see if I happen to be autistic as well as my adhd.
Yeah, I do get the idea of hypervigilance from ptsd of how you were raised. If I was aware of that, I probably would have as well, but instead I burst out into tears as a defense mechanism from my ptsd.
My dad is undiagnosed ocd, and my mom undiagnosed adhd. Dad literally said “I have pstd too” (yes in that order), and my mom said “I don’t give a s*** about your abc disorder”, though I was diagnosed at 38 and my brother diagnosed in kindergarten. They are old school thinkers in that mental health just shows weakness or is fake.
I’m glad I’m breaking that cycle, because we are having open conversations with my kids, and my 10yo stood up for her friend with a kid bullying by saying “that’s why you’re autistic”. The friends brother is autistic and they about threw hands in class this week. I’m so proud my kid was there for her friend. My daughter asked if she herself was autistic, and I said idk, because we haven’t had a neurological evaluation yet. I explained neurodivergence and how we need to respect everyone, even if we think differently. We do need to stand up to people being against that accepting though.
I wish I had the money to pay for more evaluations...it's cost a lot in the UK for private diagnosis all though, how much is too much when it comes to your mental wellbeing?... People with so called weak mental health are actually the stronger ones as we think about others soo much, that's a huge strength, if only we didnt let it be the 'be all and end all'... I relate so much all the way from the other side of the pond...
My father and his wife understood/understands my struggles...just not my natural mother...it's tough enough that WE as adults have to deal with this now...
My eldest son was very boisterous (diagnoseat hyperactive adhd at 7) at school he even broke a girls arm by falling on her...he was 3x the size of anyone in his year hes now 6'5 and 20st (not fat just huge)...I litrally had to grab him by the horns and told him 'everytime you push kids about and I hear it I will start doing to you what you do to others, I'm bigger then you!' Pretty harsh right!? It was never my intention to do so but yet it did work...it really calmed him down, it changed the way he see things as an adhd kid...he is the most protective gentle giant now at 23 and he always thanks me for it...I'm his adopted father so it means the world to me knowing he doesnt hate me for it and can see that what i did was for his benifit not mine...I just couldn't let him grow up to be sooo big and be a brute...it's not in my nature...he would defend anyone when it comes down to injustice...still a bit nutty like his dad lol but he had a GOOD hand to raise him and in turn had a good up bringing...I couldn't see any of my children go through what I did...if only I had the man of my life guide me the way I TRY with my 3 sons...
You sound like a super mum I'm jealous I didn't have one the same 😉
Wow. I know what it’s like to be understood. You must have known better than research for your kid, because the “bigger than you” is easy to make a big person be abusive. But yes, you must know the situation better than the research because we always have to adjust our parenting style for our kids unique personality and situation. I’m not being sarcastic, just so you know. I’m proud you were able to raise such a respectful human. Zen hugs 🫂
I kinda of felt that he is an unusually large child around his age range if he didn't learn the 'there's someone always bigger then you' saying ...that's all I had at the age of 22 I had to use that card...he seriously hurt that girl...what else can I do as a maximum warning...he was little but it made him think and thankful paid off 🫣... haha I don't recognise sarcasm I'm still thinking 'I really can't see any sarcasm here!?!' Am I missing something?? Then I'm thinking or are they joking, then I'm thinking about 26 ppl round you laughing...then I'm in the same room as you all laughing...then HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL....sh**🤭 that was well off topic sh**
Yes absolutely...I was at a college I was helping to train ppl in brickwork...the head tutor was always telling jokes and being sarcastic...I'd already said I don't do jokes and sarcasm, but he would still do it to me...I'd always reply with 'was that sarcasm' or 'I don't get it!' I would be looking at a student saying it...everyone would laugh and the tutor stopped doing it to me in the end 🤭
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