My 12-yr old with ADHD and anxiety refuses to go (back) to therapy

[Pastel00]

She was diagnosed five years ago. Vyvanse has been helpful with her ADHD, but not with her anxiety issues. On a day-to-day basis she seems fine (though we think she has has low-level anxiety practically all the time.) But sometimes she has long emotional episodes with crying, anger and repeating phrases (mostly something like 'I can't do it') and she can't calm down. Many episodes are about schoolwork. When she's overwhelmed she can go into panic spirals for hours. She can’t be consoled, and trying to reason with her--your teachers won't be angry if you don't finish, you can use your 504 accommodations to lessen your workload--is useless.

Outside of these episodes, we try to reason with her again, and suggest coping strategies to decrease stress, but she refuses to try anything. She gets angry because we've been telling her the same things for years -- fair enough. Her reaction to advice, explanations or or even empathy, is "I know, I know! But knowing that doesn't make any difference!" When we remind her that therapy helped when she was younger, she says she hated it and either gets upset or shuts down. She’s convinced that nothing we suggest she do will help, and taking any action just means more work for her and more stress.

We totally understand why she doesn't want to go. Her social anxiety has increased over the years and she just generally hates talking to anyone, even casually, other than her parents and close friends. Also, she knows she's more compliant and cooperative with people outside our family—teachers, therapists--because she wants their approval, but that's just another reason she doesn’t want to do it.

It would backfire if we try to force her go by threatening punishment. But we don't know how to talk her into it. So frustrating!

[BlessedLady]

If she refuses to go to therapy. You need to talk with someone regularly to find out the best ways to deal with her. Preferably someone who deals with children with ADHD. You also need to talk with her pediatrician. Due to her age, hormones are a large factor now. So what worked before is unlikely to work now

[Denisse_ADHDTagTeam]

Not therapy, but maybe a step in the right direction....maybe you can try a different way for her to open up to you and maybe that will make her more comfortable.

Maybe you can try a notebook where you write her back and forth. How you see things or your experience, and make it relatable to her so she can also see that you've had struggles (maybe differently). Eventually maybe you can ask questions.

Maybe you can try group therapy, she doesn't have to participate by speaking but maybe hearing others going through the same thing may help her feel more understood and eventually open up.

Have you tried therapy via Zoom maybe with the camera off so she's more comfortable speaking?

Social anxiety is a very difficult thing at that age, have you tried any online classes for things she actually enjoys? Like on Outschool? For example, if she's into art or drawing she can be in a class with other kids sharing their artwork. This will be a step in the right direction.

I have a 12 year old too, and it's a difficult age- not quite a little kid, not quite a teenager. Things will get better! ❤️

[KevA28]

Hey Pastel00, your child just may not have enough social/life experience, and that’s okay. Be encouraging and wait them out until they want to change

[Leeis53]

I agree with KevA28, I was a difficult child and I didn’t change or want to change until I was 28, it was sink or swim in my instance as my amazing mother cut the purse strings. I had a 4 year old daughter and knew I had to make money. I’m now a self employed upholsterer/polisher/leather repair technician and sewing machinist and have been for over 20 years.

I wouldn’t be to hard on her but do have boundaries and be kind to yourself, it sounds like your doing a great job as a fab mom x

[Redpanda5]

I have nothing but empathy for you. I too have a daughter with adhd and social anxiety (17yo). Therapy never really worked for her and it can actually make it worse. I did get some parent therapy which did help me help her some but until she decides she wants to be a part of the world, there is not a lot you can do other than encourage her and support her in moving forward as she’s ready.

In taking this approach her anxiety has calmed and she is overall happy. It just makes me sad that her world is so small. When trying to get her to do new things she needs plenty of advance warning and I can’t add anything at the last minute. We must stick to the plan.

Just keep on keeping on.

[EJ_C]

Hey Pastel

Your daughter sounds just like I was growing up. I struggled.

For me, therapy is still a struggle because I find it very hard to process things and have a negative outlook on myself. Very critical.

What helped me is having two things;

I had some easy wins in the things I love—sports and being outside.

The other is weirdly a star sky light, it helped me decompress with a sensory kind of thing. Oh, and my blanket and teddies I still have to this day.

The two things above helped put my in the right frame of mind to then go to the therapy. It slowed things down in my mind so I could deal with things.

ADHD mind spinning at a million mph and then therapy which makes it spin even faster which is nearly impossible makes it so difficult.

I'm no doctor. I'm no expert but wanted to give what I remembered as a child.

[wtfadhd]

Hello, gosh u gotta be exhausted! is allowing your daughter to do school online at home an option? bc it sounds like absolutely everything that triggers her is school related- adhd, the actual work, the other kids, social anxiety, people pleasing. for your daughter, it sounds like the idea of going to school everyday would be an emotional nightmare. sounds like currently, her brain has gotta be inflamed and misfiring constantly

taking the pressure of physically going to the school setting away… could be the short term solution for your daughter to come up for air for a bit❤️

hope u r taking care of yourself.

ps: therapy tip* refrain from ever asking her any “ why” questions. if she knew, she wouldnt be feeling like this. so “ why” immediately floods emotional brain with negativity. sounds minimal, but getting rid of that word is magically in supporting someone. ❤️