I posted about this similarly recently, so forgive me if a some of it sounds familiar.
The last 24 hours have not been great.
Last night my wife got mad at my inability to utilize the shortcuts on our smart TV. She is right, I should know the Spotify shortcuts, but that quickly devolved into hurtful daggers she threw at me like, "you don't contribute in adult ways," "I'm over here wasting my life with you," "I've posted on reddit and people are asking me why you are not kissing the ground I walk on and buying me jewelry?"
And she has a go-to that kills me:
"I have guys in my phone all the time asking to do stuff with me."
She constantly says she can do so much better than me. That guys tell her she's the one that got away.
And that I'm a retarded, disabled child/dog.
We've been together for two and a half years and married for eight months.
You may asked what caused this.
I brushed my teeth at noon yesterday morning and not immediately when I woke up. I forgot. I know. But she says I constantly lie to her because I say I'm going to do something and I don't. She's told me to get a hotel before because I forgot to brush my teeth.
She struggles with depression, but it's gotten worse since she stopped taking her medication in December. Our old therapist mentioned that talking with her doctor about getting back on anti-depressants could be a good thing, and now he's our old therapist.
I've read about a how to help a partner focusing with depression and the importance of being there, but it's difficult when she continues to say sure hurtful things.
She has asthma, so I run around and do all the errands. I get all her meals, all the groceries, make her food when she wants it, clean the yard and the house, change the sheets (which is difficult to do as she rarely gets out of bed), make sure the dogs have food and water and get their medicine.
During quarantine, I made a fort in living room, left notes all over the house, made a scavenger hunt for her, surprised her with candlelit baths (she never uses) and I started writing her letters daily about things I love and appreciate about her.
I've tried to make up for my mistakes, but I can't in her eyes. She seems to enjoy calling me an alcoholic. I was, and I haven't had a drink in 10 months. But she doesn't miss an opportunity to call me an alcoholic when listing the ways I've fallen short.
I use lists and alarms and that has helped, but it hasn't eliminated all mistakes. And those mistakes are lies in her eyes, I've not done something I said I was going to. I know some times she's unreasonable and hurtful, but I believe it is because she's depressed. On thing a lot of articles says about helping someone with depression is to not take it personally. I try not to, but it's so so difficult.
"You cannot function on any type of level."
"There's obviously something deeply wrong with you that you can do things on a list."
"You have no strengths"
"You need inpatient help"
"Don't you get tired of being dumb and doing dumb shit?"
"It's like talking to a dog"
"You're borderline retarded?"
This is but a tiny fraction of what I try not to take personally. I need to stop my mistakes so she stops saying these things.
How do I eliminate my ADHD mistakes to help improve our relationship, because no matter everything I do for her, one mistake will make that all forgotten and she'll revert to her depressive state that hurts me so deeply.