I'm 33, had ADHD most of my life (first mentioned when I was 12), but I've only been on medicine a couple months. My wife has had to put up with my inability to follow through, my forgetfulness, all these mistakes that should be easy to fix for years now.
Last weekend was her birthday. I tried to make things easy on her so I said I'd do everything. I know I was asking for trouble that eventually came. I cleaned the house every day that week. Washed the dogs. Got her breakfast that morning. Cleaned the fridge. Changed the lights. Got the desserts for the party. Made some of the food. Set up the drinks. And created a lengthy surprise video with all the people who couldn't be there and more. I tried to do all this to make it great.
But now to what she asked me to do that I didn't: She told me to find a sweater that I couldn't find (even though it was right where she said it was). She asked me to find the Wii remotes, which I couldn't and I forgot to tell her I couldn't. And she told me to pick up the food. I lost track of time as I was setting up and people were coming in, so her cousin went and got it. It was just down the street, but still.
I ruined her party in her eyes, and what she thinks means much more than what I "tried" to do. Everything I did was wasted through the lens of what I forgot to do. I've forgotten so many of these little things in the past that her birthday was ruined by my childish, avoidable mistakes.
Fast forward to tonight. She sent me a screen shot of the food she wanted. I got the food right, but I was confused about the sauce. I asked her to check when I brought it to her in the car. She looked quickly, but didn't realize I got it wrong until we got home. If I had just re-read what she sent me it would have been fine.
But I didn't. I messed up something super simple again. So I apologize, but she calls me names, which makes me feel worse. Then I get defensive, which makes everything worse. I need to avoid these mistakes.
I want to ask her for help with little things, but when it's something this simple it shouldn't be her responsibility.
I got my food fine, and that is understandably infuriating to her.
Any tips on working to improve getting these little things correct? Also, how can I ask for help where it's not just me pushing my responsibilities on to her?
Thanks,
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jschoolfailure
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Hello. I am sorry you’ve been having a difficult time. If you don’t mind me asking, does your wife know that you have ADHD?... many times. it helps to educate your partner on what it is and be open about how it can effect your relationship. Would she consider going to counseling with you? It would be beneficial for you to let your wife know how you feel and vise versa. The best way to fix anything is through effective communication... although that is sometimes easier said than done.
She knows. She brought it up as a possible reason why and I immediately agreed. We've been to counseling. I've apologized for my lack of follow-though and absent-mindedness, and I think i've improved, but any time I make a childish, avoidable mistake I'm back to being "retarded" or "disabled" and any good I've done is forgotten. She says communication is not this issue as much as me doing what she I supposed to do. She's not wrong. I just wish she'd be more understanding, see that I'm trying, and help me with things a keep messing up, but I understandably see how that's me pushing my responsibilities onto her.
Also did you got to KU? I just saw "RCJH." I was born and raised in Lawrence and graduated in '09.
Dude, you're doing great. But first, 'failure','retarded' and 'disabled' are not words that should enter your mind when thinking about yourself. You're different and that's not your fault. You are not something that needs fixing.
As for things that help me be a better husband - lists on my phone. I use Reminders and my calender to note stuff that has to be done, so I can tick them off as I do them. Set reminders for exact dates and times and if you can't complete the right then, change it so you'll get notifications later. My Apple watch also helps because if my phone isn't with me, I still get a little buzz on my wrist so I'm reminded of whatever it was I had to do.
So if keeping track of things is a challenge, do something about it. Don't rely on memory, make a note immediately.
You can do this. And if you still get abuse despite efforts at counselling and self-help, you have to think about the relationship.
When I got married, I took the 'in sickness and in health' part seriously and so did my husband. The man deserves a medal for what he puts up with - but he does and he never complains or makes me feel stupid (I do enough of that myself).
My approach to ADHD (diagnosed 13 years ago): "Is the latest thing I forgot to do or did wrong a danger to someone or is it going to bring about the Apocalypse?". If not, I chide myself, think about what I could have done better and move on.
Keep talking, keep posting and spend some time figuring out how you can manage tasks and times better (with technology), you'll see positive results. And don't be too hard on yourself!
Based on what you are saying, it sounds like a case of expectations clashing with reality - both with regard to her expectations of you and your expectations for yourself.
Imagine for a moment a couple in the exact same situation as yours except, instead of ADHD, the husband has some sort of physical limitation which prevents him from helping out with certain household chores (cleaning the cupboards, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, etc.) As a result, all such chores necessarily fall to the wife.
Meanwhile, there are plenty of areas not impacted by the husband's physical limitations where he is able to contribute to the marriage and the household. He has a job which brings in money. He is able to manage the bill paying and various financial and clerical chores. And there are some household chores that he can and does help out with.
Now imagine if the wife becomes upset and starts calling him names because he is of no help in cleaning out a kitchen cupboard that is way beyond his ability to reach.
That would be pretty absurd, wouldn't it?
Now imagine the husband subsequently writing: "Everything I am able to do around the house was wasted through the lens of what my physical limitations prevent me from doing" with the same feelings going through his mind as when you wrote: "Everything I did was wasted through the lens of what I forgot to do."
Then imagine the husband writing: "I was unable to help her with something beyond my physical abilities again. So I apologize, but she calls me names, which makes me feel worse. Then I get defensive, which makes everything worse. I need to find a way to reach things I can't reach" with the same thoughts going through his mind that you had when you wrote: "I messed up something super simple again. So I apologize, but she calls me names, which makes me feel worse. Then I get defensive, which makes everything worse. I need to avoid these mistakes."
In this hypothetical situation, it is immediately obvious that both the husband and the wife have unrealistic expectations and are on a futile quest to rewrite the facts of reality.
The wife is demanding that her husband be able to somehow rewrite the facts of reality so that his physical limitations will no longer exist - and she thinks that if she browbeats, scolds and guilt trips him enough he will magically find a way to do so.
Meanwhile, the husband is beating himself up and thinking that if he can just find a way to exert more willpower and brainstorm a new hack he will be able to rewrite reality so that his physical limitations will no longer exist - and thinks that, if he can only find a way to do so, his wife will magically stop complaining and calling him names.
And it may not occur to the husband that, even if he was able to somehow do everything his wife was demanding, it is possible she would simply find something else about her husband to find fault with. Every human being alive has all sorts of limitations so there is never a shortage of excuses to find fault with someone.
I think it is pretty obvious that, in this example, the wife needs to reexamine and recalibrate her expectations and fast - both for her sake and her husband's. If she fails to do so, she is going to spend the rest of her life in frustration over things that will never change while making her husband's life miserable in the process.
Knowing that her husband has such limitations, if they are that much of a problem for her, she needs to seriously ask why she remains married to him. Maybe she needs to move on and find someone she would be happier with - and thereby free up her husband to find some other wife who values his strengths far more than she minds his limitations.
Unfortunately, there are some people in this world who put down others as a means of coping with their own insecurities. If they can find someone to scold for allegedly being stupid, lazy or incompetent - that enables them to feel superior by contrast.
People with ADHD are highly vulnerable to such people because we are a huge target for anyone who wants to find something to nit-pick. And we, unfortunately, have a tendency to accept the nit-picker's premise and beat ourselves up over it. Our acceptance of such unearned guilt is like crack cocaine for such people and emboldens them to dish out even more - because they know their victim will simply sit back and accept it.
Plus, it should go without saying that name calling is not acceptable behavior towards one's spouse - a person one allegedly loves. And name calling with regard to disability that a person has no control over is absolutely not acceptable - and the husband needs to call her out on it (and refrain from name calling himself, of course)
Instead of feeling guilty about his weaknesses, the husband needs to focus on maximizing his strengths and the many, many areas where his limitations do NOT prevent him from doing things that are productive and rewarding.
He needs to set boundaries and enforce them. When we set boundaries, we are communicating what our expectations are in terms of how we will allow others to treat us.
Demanding that a person do the impossible is not acceptable. Guilt tripping another person because they cannot do the impossible is not acceptable. And it is not acceptable to allow people to call us names. There may be circumstances (being a child, working at a job one needs) where it might be in one's long-term interest (and, in extreme cases, one's physical survival) to put up with it temporarily until one can remove oneself to better circumstances. But the longer one puts up with it, the harder one will have to struggle to counteract the toll it can take on one's self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your ADHD is just as much a limitation as the physical limitation in my example - it is simply a different kind of limitation. Every human being has limitations and "weaknesses" of some sort. If a person fails to take the reality of his limitations into account when setting exceptions for himself he is setting himself up for needless self-inflicted hardship and frustration.
Your wife clearly needs to adjust her expectations towards you. It is entirely appropriate for her to have expectations - but they need to be based on reality. What those expectations should be given your ADHD is something you, your marriage counselor and she need to figure out.
And I really encourage you to reexamine your expectations towards both yourself and your wife. Having ADHD and expecting it to somehow not manifest itself and have an impact on the things you do flies in the face of reality.
As a human being, you have every right to expect that your spouse will not demand you to magically act in ways that you genuinely are not capable of.
And, as a human being, you have every right to expect that your spouse will value you for who you are and will refrain from calling you names.
Your wife, too, has limitations. And maybe her limitations are such that she either cannot or will not accept the reality of your limitations and treat you with the respect you deserve. If, after communicating your concerns and needs and giving her every chance, you conclude that she is simply not going to change - you might want to consider how much value the marriage adds to your life and whether your time and emotional energy might be better invested elsewhere.
Finally, if your wife is, in fact, the kind of person who needs someone in her life to constantly find fault with as a way of making herself feel capable by comparison - get out of that marriage as quickly as you can run. Such people can be wonderful in many ways and sometimes even very loving at times. But their need to find fault and put someone else down makes them toxic. And, in such a situation, there is NOTHING you can do that will please them. They will always move on and find something else to find fault with and complain about - because, in cases like this, the problem is not you, it is THEM.
Well said, 78rpm. One time I asked my ex if he would ask a person who is paralyzed and uses a wheelchair to get up and walk for him. His response? "If I thought they were faking and could get up and walk". That told me everything I needed to know.
I understand how you feel. I am a wife and the non adhd partner. This book opened my eyes and let me see that his behavior is not because he doesn’t care. Trust me, this book will make her feel better
You sound like a great person and are willing to work on things. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You are not flawed. Your brain just works differently
So... I am the wife AND I also have ADHD, so I even though I understand the issues, my frustration is that things have to be taken care of, and it always falls on me because he will never remember. The difference is, I realize it and do something about it. I make to do lists, I leave myself sticky notes, or I do it the very second I know it needs to be done! To me, it’s just a matter of realizing that if I don’t do it, no one else will. When there’s no one to fall back on, you’d be amazed at what you can do and what lengths you go to, to make it happen.
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