My ADHD journey at work - ADA accommodation scares narcissistic boss

[ADDgoodbad]

I am on the ADHD/Autism spectrum with a formal diagnosis. I had to get an ADA accommodation due to a supervisor trying to micromanage me. When I questioned a bad idea she had, she afterward began passive aggressively taking jabs at me in meetings, challenging everything I said, even correcting me when I said something sarcastic.

SO I got the accommodation. As soon as the agency informed her of this, she became avoidant, not giving me ANY direction whatsoever and giving me wide berth in my job lol. She was afraid to make eye contact with me. She's gushingly nice to me when she does have to interact with me. IT's almost creepy. I can tell by the way she talks to me that she's afraid I will rat her out (micromanagement is considered bullying at my work). She's actually very good at her job, just controlling. I would prefer she not be fired, but I won't take anymore sh*t from her.

In our previous supervision meetings I had told her that I've always been a narcissist magnet, I don't have the ability to perceive social cues and am reliant on intuition instead. I told her that when my intuition tells me something isn't right in a conversation, I stop listening to what they are saying and instead just look at what they are doing and I see right through it. Apparently she remembered that conversation, and it scared her. The whole thing is weird to me.

What I have NOT told her is that I document everything at work that I find controlling/creepy/unprofessional with names of witnesses, dates and places and I've been doing it for the full year I've had this job. It's a habit I started years ago when being gaslit by a coworker who showed narcissistic tendencies. Long story short, protect yourself.

[STEM_Dad]

Thanks for the advice. I wish I'd heard that years ago. I've had my own issues in the past with a supervisor who definitely seemed to have narcissistic traits.... Then again, if I hadn't gone through that terrible situation and developed anxiety from it, I might never have gotten my ADHD diagnosis.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

I have natural tendencies to: 1) Be too trusting, especially of people in positions of authority

2) Doubt my own judgement and my perspective in a given situation

I think it's good to give people the benefit of the doubt if there's just a one-time issue, but I've learned the hard way (too many times) that some people aren't worth putting your trust in.

Good working relationships require mutual trust. A micromanaging supervisor is an untrusting person, or maybe just a control freak.

~~~

Regarding the mention of sarcasm by the OP, I know that sarcasm is a form of humor, and humor in group situations like a work meeting is usually more intended to lighten the mood, rather than an attempt to get in a dig at someone who is present. (It can be passive aggressive behavior, but it also could be just an attempt to connect with the group through humor. --- Also, sarcasm is a sibling to dark humor, and I've heard that people in the health care professions are prone to dark humor.)

[ADDgoodbad in reply to STEM_Dad]

"I've heard that people in the health care professions are prone to dark humor.)" This is literally true. It's how we absorb the tragic stuff we have to contend with daily and we do it to lighten the mood. As my coworkers say, "We have to laugh about it sometimes, otherwise we would cry".

[STEM_Dad in reply to ADDgoodbad]

I work in Information Technology, and folks in this career field are also prone to dark humor...but as you'd expect, it's more technology themed.

(I personally lean towards puns and "dad jokes". I try not to do much more than dip my toe into the dark end, telling a few jokes like that...but I definitely enjoy my colleagues' humor. 😆)

[wtfadhd]

im not seeing the “ win” in your narrative.

it actually sounds like u r basking in passive aggressiveness.

you r a 63 yr old man- using sarcasm in meetings when you disagree with your supervisor is lame. ADHD or not- it benefits everyone when we learn to communicate effectively with all people regardless of rather or not that person is stuck up, lazy, autistic, blind, overweight, control freak, or however their inner demons happen to manifest n show up. sarcasm is generally a low form of communication. sarcasm is mocking. it never results in building professional networks nor earn respect. sarcasm is a great tactic to mock the “ enemy”. if your boss and her ideas are the enemy… then this workplace is not for you. its nothing personal. its just not a good fit. round peg in square hole. even if ya force it and get it in..,, it still isnt an authentic fit. ugh

your supervisions are for the purpose of talking about yourself as it relates to your work product. you overshared. your supervisor doesnt need to know your personal nor intimate shortcomings ( the fact that u believe you are magnet for narcissistic people). That ordeal is between you n people in your inner circle! what did you hope to gain by telling your boss that?!?!?! again, it just sounds like under developed communication on your part. Clear and direct communication for the purpose of mutual gain and partnership is how we gain respect in life and in our careers. learn how to manage difficult people. that is the real win.

if your boss is now “ fake sweet” to you then how did you win?

her control freak tendencies that are likely the result of something in her lifespan ( which is none of our business)……. did not just resolve themselves bc you got ADA accommodations. you just added a layer of toxicity to your workplace but in this layer you feel an element of control over your boss vs her controlling you. something to consider.

it all just sounds toxic.

The real ADHD win is working on ourselves so that we no longer attract manipulative people. The real win is knowing ourselves n our limitations and strengths and finding a career that we can thrive in without bringing out our ADHD downfalls. We win when we find the job, tribe, lifestyle that our personal ADHD stuff is an actual asset n delight- not something in which we have to rely on mandated morality( accommodations).

If your susceptibility to being in the talons of controlling people is such a huge issue that you walk around with a notebook logging every detail for an imagined trial someday.,,,, yuck, wouldnt it be better to work on yourself to learn what causes you to be a target and learn how not to to be an easy target??? isnt that true empowerment?

and you said that your boss is good at her job, right? well that is unfortunate for you now because u have taken a negative part in setting up a terrible dynamic between you n her so that you will never get the opportunity to learn from her. Rather you think she is a control freak or not- people with decision making power in your company think that despite her social shortcomings… that she is indeed an asset to the company in some way.

i used to function like you. i learned DBT…. i hated DBT at first. i was stuck in my personal pity party that my adhd makes my life harder than other people. its a defeating mindset that never invites peace.

your post was very sad to me. i dont want society to view adhd like that.

[ADDgoodbad in reply to wtfadhd]

Thank you for the critical, amateur psychoanalysis. Firstly I never said I won anything, I just got my accommodation is all. I said the whole thing is just creepy to me. Secondly, I work with mentally ill and homeless people, and most of my coworkers have to see therapists due to secondary trauma, which I personally do not experience much of because my lack of working memory allows me to compartmentalize. We have supervisions in which we vent out what we are going through with clients and coworkers alike. It's literally a thing in the medical field. Due to my inability to perceive social cues, I have social problems at work so it is entirely within the bounds of our supervisions to let our direct supervisors know this because it directly affects my job performance. My ADHD/Autism is not a personal failing, sorry to disappoint you.

Your statements on sarcasm being "Mockery" are absolutely absurd. You make way too many negative assumptions. Everything you say is coming from left field and you essentially blame me for having a toxic supervisor and addressing it. I have worked at this agency for six years now and have never had this problem with any other supervisors. You literally blame me for my supervisors poor management style. Shame on you. It's hyper judgemental people like you that make life a minefield of BS for people on the spectrum. Shame on you.

[Mamamichl]

I could have written most of this. My supervisor was pointing fingers and saying “I saw you CC’d HR” and then I got my ADA. When she is around others, she’s a lot nicer with her words. However, it is creepy.

One of my accommodations is that she writes pertinent information in a following email about our meeting. However, she is doing this poorly, though her boss is doing it well for me. She and I have both contacted myHR person to explain our sides and try to clarify what is expected on these notes.

I document what I can, but I forget so much. im voice recording my meetings most of the time at this point, since we are in a one party state (I don’t need her permission, though I’m cautious not to let her know I’m doing it). I am thinking about paying for the otter app that will record and transcribe the conversation so I can revisit the pertinent information repeatedly, which is why the notes are beneficial.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Mamamichl]

The voice recorder is a useful strategy for ADHD, especially for anyone with auditory processing issues or working memory issues.

Being a one party recording state may cover the legal base, but make sure that there aren't any workplace policies that could be against doing so. Also consider whether there might be any FERPA regulations which might have an impact on your decision to use audio recordings for your work.

Your intention is good (to keep track of things to follow through with). Just make sure your use of this method isn't going to violate policy.

• Do you think that this would be covered by your ADA accomodations? If unsure, ask your HR rep. (I'm sure that you wouldn't want your manager to know that you are making these recordings, so the more general you can be, the better.)

• From my Information Technology background, I believe that using employer-provided technology to do the recording would always be best to avoid potential conflict.

[Mamamichl in reply to STEM_Dad]

interesting point. I will talk with my counselor about this further, then possibly ask HR about it if she thinks it may be an option.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Mamamichl]

Just keep in mind that the purpose of HR is to serve the best interests of the employer (the organization), and not the best interests of the employees.

Unfortunately, in most organizations the tendency is to side with management, because they are usually seen as more crucial to the operations of the organization.

• I certainly hope that the administration at your school is paying attention to the high turnover and employee complaints related to your manager. Some amount of strife can occur in any organization, but when there seems to be a higher than average amount of problems, it should point directly to issues with management.

(Then again, the charter school that I worked at kept on a few employees who rubbed their peers the wrong way simply because those individuals were very good at grant writing. As the saying goes: "Money talks.")

[Mamamichl in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks stemdad. I think it’s a red flag for HR that my supervisor isn’t even following my ADA. I made sure they know that too.