ADHD Rock Bottom!!

[wolfendoc]

I am a professional, married man with 2 kids. I love my family more than my own life itself. They are everything that I ever imagined a family should be to me. My impulsivity and anger outbursts have caused me to have frequent problems. In May, my ADHD finally became my resource for me to hit rock bottom. While at work, I was goofing around with a freeze spray that accidentally struck a co-worker in an unacceptable physical location. I was NOT aware that this had happened until I was called to the carpet 4 days later. The same day that this happened, a client presented to our work location 5 minutes before closing time with a big issue and I made my dissatisfaction known to my co-workers by saying, "WTF?!?" out loud. Because of these infractions, I was forced to resign from my position immediately in lieu of termination. My next week was full of sadness and deep depression. I had let my wife and children down. I jumped to the computer to find a new job, all while considering ending my own life in order to make theirs easier. I don't feel suicidal and never had a real plan...it was a situational idea because of what was going on and how deep my depression was at this time. My wife, 3 months later,still doesn't believe that I have told her the whole story because I haven't been completely forthcoming with things in the past (defense mechanism from my ADHD). The thing is, I was completely honest with her this time. I am now saddened that my previous behaviors have caused this mistrust. I love my wife so much! She has urged me over the years to learn more about ADHD both for myself and our now 10 year old son who also has ADHD but, I have put it off and put it off. Since all of this, she has withdrawn from me, barely speaks to me unless it has to do with our business venture or the scheduling with the kids. She "Phubs" me, spending hours on her phone checking Facebook and Pinterest. She "goes out with the girls" who have all suddenly created a Snapchat group, but lets me know about it a few hours prior. I feel like this is another way for her to pull away. She tells me that I need to do something because our marriage is hanging on by a thread. When I try to tell her about what I am learning, she gets angry with me and says "I have been doing this research for 13 years, where have you been?" My wake up call has happened!! I am trying desperately now, because I love her, because I love our 2 beautiful children! I wish I had tried sooner, that I had listened to her. I feel like it is too late, but I don't want it to be, and I think she doesn't either. But she won't talk to me about it...Today, while at my new job that is 2.5 hours away from home, I was researching Melissa Orlov's seminar. I sent my wife a message asking if she would do it with me. Silence. Please help!!! Anyone!!!

[rosejulie]

Hi there, I would suggest you just doing something now; but make sure your wife knows that you want to do it for yourself, her and especially for the marriage.

[Shamglo8]

I believe I'm married to someone who has ADHD as well. We have a son together that is 10 who was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. I can somewhat relate to what your wife is going through because I feel as though my marriage is hanging. It's so stressful for me raising my child and I feel like my husband doesn't help with anything he always forgets everything. I feel like I'm doing all the cleaning cooking shopping yard work etc. I won't my husband to get help but he just puts it off like it's not important but it is to me. It's not getting any better it's never any peace because seems as though he doesn't comprehend what I'm saying to him. He goes on impulse and purchase a car when bills have to be paid. So yes I understand your wife very much. I believe if you go and get the help that is needed she will follow. As a wife when we see that you act as if things are not important we give up as well. As a person in general whatever circumstance it may be u only can take so much. I'm still learning about ADHD sometimes I wonder if my husband is lying or just making things up . It's a challenge with son and husband constantly blaming others never taking responsibility for their actions. Just keep trying and fighting for your marriage. Make sure that you show her that you are serious about getting help and you want to learn about it. Good luck

[lisariver]

Could there be anything in your life that is exacerbating the impulsivity? Physical, like food or drink? Spiritual? Emotional? I'm really new at all of this. The counselor seemed like a good idea. Maybe you could just start going alone, and see what happens that way? I'm sorry, I don't feel qualified to say much of anything to you but send you prayers.

[Nick1913]

Hi wolfendoc,

I am not an expert, nor claim to be.

I was divorced , got remarried....

A long time ago a business man told me a story.

He use to let curse words fly left and right... His English teacher held up a dictionary said.. there is over half a million words in here that are not curse words. With all these words why use so few to express yourself? He stopped cursing at that point. I refrain from cursing.

As far as marriage I would seek marriage counseling hoping the wife would join. ADHD counseling, coaching, research.... I personally am doing all I can to find out what’s going on with me. One thing though TRUST is the glue that holds marriages together that needs to be fixed ASAP. I am no expert just saying what I am doing or would do.

Good luck..... you sound a lot like me.

I am in the process of changing my diet:

No preservatives, No antibiotics. Absolutely No high fructose corn syrup.

Good luck

[Freedom-in-ADHD]

Greetings friend,

Your in an extra tough spot because now that your ready to fight your emotions are pushed already to a point that will put your responses and ADHD impulsivity to high management levels. And your family which is what you are fighting for can/will easily become triggers for you to erupt on them as you mentioned.

I do not have personal experience with a situation like your facing. Yet, reading the comment you got from a frustrated wife explaining her hurts, made me think that a book i just started reading could be valuable for you o improve your relationship.

amazon.com/What-Does-Everyb...

And in my research its obvious that what your facing is a wide spread issue with a lot of counseling material and we articles available online.

What my gut tells me is that your fight has to be focused inward first, because thats what has blinded from walking a different path than the one that got to where you now do not want to be. SO, even though you are driven to the battle line that would be visible to your wife, make sure you do not bring the enemy into your ranks. Please make sure you understand what i just said, its key!

Yes, the stakes are high and you are behind, so you need to set your mind to a goal that is beyond the situation itself. What i mean is, your at a point where the only thing that will change everything is within you. Your not going to wine and dine and revive romance with external measures that are not a natural result of a change that has happened in you first.

Take some pressure off yourself (so you do not have stupid thoughts like suicide, you hear my friend? Unhealthy stress levels will cause a backfire in your face. You are a father, you will always be a father, nothing can change that - your job is to be the best person you can be so that you will naturally be the best father you can be. And the key is awareness. If you are not aware, then your able to become complacent, ignorant, or worse.

So breath my friend, take it one step at a time and one problem at a time. You are a man and it is in you to raise up to defend, support, and cherish those you love - now your task is to better understand the ones you love and how they have been affected by what you choose not to see till now.

Do you start to get the bigger picture. This not about bringing family matters back to where they where, its about you leading your family to experience a new type of lifestyle that is better than you ever had before. Yet, for this you need to get your shit cleaned up that has become a stain on you. I speak harder to you out of kindness so get how serious you have to be about your own self awareness.

My friend i desire to hear one day that all is well with you and your family, yet please remember that no matter what happens you have to always continue on this road that is now in front of you. Being the best man, father, and husband you can be - and that is a road that no one can take away from you , because its the responsibility given at birth to everyman.

Let them see your heart is clean, serious, and passionate about understanding truth and righteousness and those who have eyes to see will see. That is just how it is. My best to you, hope this could help.

[wolfendoc in reply to Freedom-in-ADHD]

@Freedom, Thank you! That is the most realistic and down to earth answer that I have received. Thank you for being so candid and taking the time to write back with such details.

I know that I have to man up and take the responsibility for my own actions and treatment. I now understand that meds alone aren't the answer and I tried for so many years hoping they were. I am looking for a qualified ADHD counselor in my area to work with me 1st and then, perhaps, with my wife together to fix what I have broken.

I do truly love her. I have never doubted that fact. I just never listened. I know that was wrong and I WILL do what it takes to show her that I am still the man she married 14 years ago.

[Hays3618]

@wolfendoc Thank you for your honesty and candor. Sharing what you have is reassurance that I am not alone. I am right where you are. At this point, I have realized I have to focus on me and my 2 kids. I cannot change my wife's mind. In her words "I am too tired to deal with this any more." My hope is that if I can change she will see it. However, I cannot do it for her. Like I said I have to do it for me, you have to do it for you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.