Just as my own life is improving my brother is having MAJOR ISSUES with wife. She has ADHD and takes ritalin (don't know dosage) and is very angry. She's not doing anything active to help ADHD other than her medication (which she also stopped for a couple of months.)
A couple of weeks ago, she chose to take a "working vacation" and went back to an area she grew up in. She checked into a Best Western for a few days, but then decided to upgrade to a Fairmont property (very expensive). While there, she was going out to bars, drinking, picking up 1) a con man who wiggled his way into her affections by giving her a shoulder/back correction at the bar and later 2) a couple of homeless men.... So, she's using medical marijuana, and adding to the alcohol, and meds, the upshot is: a) She's arrested for a DUI Oh, and b) She's been taken all told for about $12,000
She is using about 8 joints daily, which sounds like a lot to me?!! (I've never used it so I have no clue about what is "normal" or not..) It seems like it just takes over her personality. She's also traumatized from losing older brothers to an institution in Napa/Sonoma. (The brothers were very developmentally disabled and died when she was around 27- They were around 29 years old at death.) This was never discussed in her family or dealt with at all. So, some major issues. Oh, and let's add the cherry to the top of this multi layered mess: Her mom, 88, now has dementia, and has been living with them (My Brother J, sis in Law M, and daughter A). M claims that her Mom physically attacked her,
All while this was happening, unbeknownst to my brother J (he'd gone to OR with his daughter and her friend to attend a family wedding), M did not look in on her own Mom for food/ meals/ or any care. Nope, took off for her undiscussed "working vacation".
Since M. just accuses everyone around her of "not helping" and just talking her friends / family are at a loss.
Just 2 days ago, my brother J. found a good "Board and care" facility for his mom in law. But he is living at a cousins house because he doesn't want to be around M.
What advice, comments for this situation? Thanks.
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She is 61 years old. My brother J. and she have gone to marriage counseling before. She refuses to go. She does individually see a psyc doctor, who can not really talk to my brother, but did say she needs an assessment done, with perhaps some "in house" help. Of course, she is NOT interested in doing this either.
I'm sorry. A person has to want help. I'm glad your brother found a safe place for her mother. I'm not defending her neglect. But taking care of a parent that cannot take care of themselves can be unbelievably difficult.
If she continues to see questionable men she does not know. Your brother might need to talk with her doctor about committing her. Based on what you said, her risky behavior could be a danger to her. One of those men could have killed her. It does not sound like a one time lapse of judgement. That is one of the things doctors look at before committing a patient. Of course your brother has the legal right to commit her. But the legal right is usually the easiest thing about committing a loved one.
My brother used to be an EMT when he got out of the military, so he's familiar with those situations. I think he doesn't want his wife to hate him.
But you're right, one of those people could have killed her. So, her psyc doctor needs this information (don't know if brother told M's doctor) about that.
Sounds like she might just be having the time of her life after some very sound re-evaluation at a mature age. A bucket list journey so to speak.
Btw, we don't know how far things went with the guys she "picked up". For all we know she may just have had some physical gratification and with the others friendly chats as they were the ones being around at the time. Noone bats an eyelid if it's a young male doing this.
And you say she didn't look in on her mum.
Who took care of mum's most basic physical needs such as fluids and toileting?
What state was she in when your brother returned? How long was he away?
I just want to say it's not enough info to be sure it's all pathology and/or iatrogenic (doctor-caused). 8 joints - IF they are the proper kind - can certainly interfere or cause the changes in her behaviour as well as be a symptom of another cause. And alcohol?
Bipolar/mania/hypomania is a possibility. Comes with disinhibition, increased sex drive, overspending, being suddenly very active/hyper and doing things seemingly out of character, lack of judgement as with money and esp re personal risk drink-driving etc. and picking up "the wrong kind" although I hear that happens to a lot of us elderly ladies anyway.
And yes, your brother should tell their/her doctor ASAP. She won't because she clearly doesn't feel ill. You brother can't discuss things with her psychiatrist unless the risk to her or others through her behaviour outweighs confidentiality concerns and that is the case here with drink-driving, possibly neglecting mum etc.
Also, he can always TELL her psychiatrist which is not the same as a discussion. And psych has to listen in this case. Otherwise THEY may walk on medicolegally thin ice as something bad could happen to someone if they don't.
So, sounds like more than counselling is needed. And fast.
Wow! There are a lot of things going on here. Especially that she’s 61 and doing numerous risky things that are all indicative with ADHD. Leaving her mother for a working vacation without making arrangements for her care (if she is the caretaker) is very irresponsible and is another example of ADHD and potentially something more.
My spouse and I both have ADHD, are medicated, and see a therapist weekly. It took me 2 years to get the right med combo and dose. It can also take weeks to adjust before you find the right dose. Ritalin makes us both angry. Adderall works much better. But having the therapist and meds has been a game changer for me. All the best.
Last time I spoke with my brother J., he was still getting his Mom-in-law settled into her new "Board and Care" facility for dementia patients. His wife was accusing him now of "trying to take all of her mothers money!", because she needs someone to be durable power of attorney to help with her care. He's teetering on NOT doing this, as he's tired of all of the false accusations M. has made about him. He's not an angel true, but he does love his Mom in law and is trying to make her comfortable, setting up her computer, etc, bringing her clothes and other necessities for her to be okay with the new place.
My sister in law M. told me to fuck off via text as she didn't want to hear anything I had to say about ADHD or anything else for that matter. Right now, she "loves herself so much" and feels just fine about everything that happened. My brother J is the bad person for closing the bank accounts and shutting down the credit cards. He just "controls all of her money". Oh, and she's texting one of the homeless persons "K' calling him her hero, and such a great artist, blah, blah ... AND including me and her friends on this text just spouting off ..
So, I don't really know what is happening at this point. I've told my brother that she needs to get serious help, and yeah for more than just ADHD. And, agree with others that she's blotting out a lot of serious pain with marijuana usage. But again, she's got to want to be helped to do anything to change her current trajectory. She's not interested yet in any help
She could be one he ultimately has to cut ties with. A wife or partner or former love interest once, but no longer. Just a person.She may have a PD or just be horrible or sick but what she does is at best testing boundaries, at the worst be a perpetual PITA and a danger to his sanity and happiness he has a natural capacity for but she doesn't. He should consider if she is the one he wants to grow old with. Sounds pretty toxic to me. Maybe he just needs "permission". Maybe he has lived in this mess too long to see past it.
If she won't go to get help, he can.
Maybe he manages to get away from her that way.
Lots of books available on toxic partners, too. Books always help me with doubts and seeking advice, permission, salvation.
Thanks for your thoughts on this mess. Yes, it's possible that he may have to leave. I know he really loves her a lot. BUT I do also believe this behavior and situation scared him.
He originally called me asking me to talk to M back in May about ADHD and just help her get into some good books and things to help her out. Also, since I have ADHD, I can see her issues and relate. (He's neurotypical so doesn't totally know) Although he's actually read some of the good books about it. I did send her emails and called her (only got vm) so clearly she did not want to talk to me about it. (As others have said, you have to want help)
The last several conversations have really shown me how much pain he is in due to all of the problems. His voice sounded like someone had died. It was horrible.
He doesn't want to go back to his own home, and since July 11th has been staying with a cousin. Yep, he needs to seriously consider growing old with M.
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