Not too sure where to begin, but just looking for some advice. Its hard to describe how I feel and a quick google search for depression has sent me here. Just to let you know a little about my background, I come from a solid middle class family, parents still married and we are lucky to run our own generally successful business, I have an ok salary but other perks include car and fuel allowance etc, so financially i am doing ok.
But I find myself going through periods of where I think everything is great and I have no issues I can be super focused on something or just generally happy, but then....
I find myself really low, I have no interest at work, I feel i am not being challenged enough and other times I feel I do a good job and get no real praise or satisfaction. I sit thinking, would be happy leaving and looking for other goals or challenges? But then I start thinking that if I leave I could upset my family and what is the long goal plan for them/us. I start to feel trapped! If I left would I be giving up a very good job in the future. I feel progression is slow and that sometimes my job role is not big enough for me and I am just doing remedial tasks that don't even fill up my day. It so hard to type out exactly how I feel but at times I have lay in bed thinking if you just topped yourself you wouldn't have to deal with these issues. And I will be open and honest, when I think these things I know I am not actually going to do it but I do get a small release of satisfaction when I think of how it would feel not to feel like this.
Its all so confusing, I have a long term g/f and my everyday life is not a struggle in the sense that I don't have a real hardship, I have a house, a car, a g/f and I am not financially in trouble. I just feel sometimes in life when i am going through slow periods at work and I have time to think that is when I realise I could have mental health problems. I just think there has to be more to life.
When I originally moved back to my home town to take a job in the family business I fell out with my family because I was explaining things that we should change to move forward coming from a London Blue Chip company in the same industry and I was met with a huge wall of defiance and the old remark "if its not broke why fix it" which led me down the spiral as I am just a mere number filling a gap that was once filled by another person that just nodded and smiled. I think I might be going off topic slightly but my point is that it gives me periods where I feel I am just a cog in a machine.
My g/f has family in Australia and she keeps saying lets just go, lets just go for 2 years and see what happens.... I keep saying no cause I feel trapped in my job, but there is a part of me that thinks, Why the hell not!
To summarise I just don't know whats going on in my life, i find when I am focused I feel great but sometime this period of concentration will only last between 2 weeks and a month, then I am back at square one , depressed and thinking why was I so focused on that as it has achieved nothing and I have been wasting my life.
I have claimed to be depressed to people in my life and it is always looked upon with slight humour and the conversation moves on to other topics, I haven't asked my GP because I don't want too and I constantly look up therapist until I see the price and decide I can't afford it.
In all honestly I think I am just very confused and depressed, in life if you want something I am a big believer of going and getting it. But right now.... I don't know what I want or how i can stop myself feeling so depressed, anxious, upset and lost!
Sometimes I will say to myself I want to do this, and spend a lot of time researching and looking into something and then finally being put off and again back to square one. I just want to be happy and then I think, I am so selfish because in life I have got a hell of a lot of stuff others haven't!
Sorry if It seems like I have waffled on but it is so hard to get out exactly how I feel by typing it out. Any advice would be great!