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I can’t trust any man

After my rape I’ve gotten so paranoid. Things like walking in a store and a guy behind me just terrifies me. I’ve gotten to where if I’m in public and there’s a public bathroom, my fiancé or whoever is with me at the time has to either go in with me or stand by the door. I can’t stay alone with any guy family members even if I’ve known them my whole life. If someone is leaving me alone with him, I have to go with them. I cannot stay alone with a man. I can’t ride alone in a car with a man. A lot of things trigger me.

I secretly deal with them because sometimes I’m scared to tell my fiancé for what if she looks at me differently. Men that look like my rapist trigger me and I will start crying in sweats and shakes. I can’t move. I can’t speak. Men that talk like him also. Some days I feel like I can’t go on. It consumes me. I hate always feeling so paranoid and scared.

I can’t be home alone. And if I am, I don’t leave my room, the door is usually locked.

Home is weirdly where I’m most paranoid. I’m alone. He could come and bust in and hurt me. He could rape me again. He could kill me. I’d be helpless, no one with me.

I can’t walk outside alone. I can’t be anyone alone. Im scared to be alone.

I told my fiancé pepper spray would make me feel protected if I ever were somewhere alone but I feel weak when I say that. Like I can’t handle myself.

Being paranoid makes me feel weak. I hate feeling like I let him win. I didn’t. But the way I act is making myself believe that.

I was raped for 4 years. Raped by a man that I trusted. A man I called my dad. I man I believed would let nothing hurt me.

I trust no man. The one I trusted hurt me, took my childhood, and led me to hate him with everything inside of my soul. I wish he was dead most of the time.

With that being said... I hope I can overcome this paranoia. I really do. It’s taking over. It triggers so much of my anxiety.

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Thank you for sharing. It can’t be easy. I’m very sorry to hear what happened to you. No one should ever have to go through what you described and it is a cruel reminder of the type of world we live in. I’m sending you a huge hug.x

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Awww, thank you❤️ means a lot.

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I replied to another of your posts. I've just read this one of yours. Which country do you live in? UK, USA or another? If your 'father' raped you for four years then to be honest he should go to prison. You have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from trauma. No wonder you feel as you do.

You feel unsafe, have paranoia not unsurprisingly, depression, high anxiety. He has made you very ill. Does your mother know?

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Sadly my birth father is not in the picture.... a man my mom got with when I was really young took over and I called him my dad. I didn’t have any other dad in my head. He was always there for me. Little did I know he was a monster.

After a month of it happening I finally got the courage to tell my mother when I could get her alone. She worked grave yard shifts. When I told her, she brought him in my room, next to my bed and asked him if I was lying and he said I was just a kid I was making stuff up.

She beat me.. she told me I stole her boyfriend.

He raped me until I was 13. I live in the US. I’ve tried and tried to get him in prison. When I went to court for it they told me I waited to long and it was his word against mine.

Sadly here I am, dealing with it all.

My mother and I’s relationship is strained. It’s not really there.

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Your mother did not believe you, she chose to believe him. How on earth can she honestly think you 'stole' her boyfriend..... she's a nutcase. If they are still in a relationship together, I would advise you to walk away. They are both poisonous to you. I have realised that friends are better than family. Unless your mother ends her relationship with the man who raped you, you cannot possibly have any relationship with her. Many people walk away from their families for a variety of reasons. From my own experiences, you need to protect yourself and heal. You can't heal when you have them both around you. You need laughter, fun, hobbies, friendships in your life. I don't know how old you are. Are you at college or working? You have a fiancee who is supportive.

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He started beating her daily. He got really bad. So she left him. It’s been awhile since.

I’ve moved out my moms house around July and I’ve been with my fiancé ever since. I am happy here, safe, and loved.

I still can’t bring it up with my mother. She denies it ever happened. My sister knows. She’s walked in on him raping me. She told my aunt one day and my aunt came to me and asked me. She believed me for awhile until she got mad and used it against me and called me a crazy psychopath and told my fiancé I was on medication bc I was “crazy”.

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Well, if your mother is still not believing you, she doesn't deserve a wonderful daughter like you. Your sister is surely on your side - she witnessed it. Your aunt is as bad as your mother. You do have 'poisonous' family members and you are better off without them. I had poison in my close family, walked away and never regretted it.

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The sad thing is, my sister is becoming so much like her. I can’t even talk to her about things anymore.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It makes me feel good. I’m dealing day by day.

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P S I had a phase of carrying a 'rape alarm' in my bag. You could do that. You have every right to use it if your 'stepfather' comes near you. And you could have pepper spray near you at all times. I think I would put it in my bra if I went out. You have Human Rights.

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I’m totally check into that. Thank you.

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I will tell you a little story. From the age of 13 I was being followed by men who were strangers, like if I walked home from town, very often a different man each time would follow me, presumably thinking he would be able to talk to me and then have sex. All through my life, I have been touched, followed, cars stopping & telling me to get in, etc etc. Then I had to get to work on a train and every day, different men would sit beside me and put their hand down between my leg and theirs, or push their crutch up against me. When I got to age 50, I was sick to death of men. I had been married and divorced twice by then and have remained single ever since. Now if I go out and am on my own, for example go to a park on a sunny day and sit on a park bench reading, and a man comes and sits next to me when there are plenty of other places for him to sit...... I stand up and scream as if I'm surprised, not particularly frightened. I tell you - everyone, absolutely everybody in the area, stops and stares at him. They always run away !!!! :-)

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Omg that is hilarious

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Got to agree, I am a man and i got raped 4 times, messed my bloody fucking life up, want to kill them

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