After my rape I’ve gotten so paranoid. Things like walking in a store and a guy behind me just terrifies me. I’ve gotten to where if I’m in public and there’s a public bathroom, my fiancé or whoever is with me at the time has to either go in with me or stand by the door. I can’t stay alone with any guy family members even if I’ve known them my whole life. If someone is leaving me alone with him, I have to go with them. I cannot stay alone with a man. I can’t ride alone in a car with a man. A lot of things trigger me.
I secretly deal with them because sometimes I’m scared to tell my fiancé for what if she looks at me differently. Men that look like my rapist trigger me and I will start crying in sweats and shakes. I can’t move. I can’t speak. Men that talk like him also. Some days I feel like I can’t go on. It consumes me. I hate always feeling so paranoid and scared.
I can’t be home alone. And if I am, I don’t leave my room, the door is usually locked.
Home is weirdly where I’m most paranoid. I’m alone. He could come and bust in and hurt me. He could rape me again. He could kill me. I’d be helpless, no one with me.
I can’t walk outside alone. I can’t be anyone alone. Im scared to be alone.
I told my fiancé pepper spray would make me feel protected if I ever were somewhere alone but I feel weak when I say that. Like I can’t handle myself.
Being paranoid makes me feel weak. I hate feeling like I let him win. I didn’t. But the way I act is making myself believe that.
I was raped for 4 years. Raped by a man that I trusted. A man I called my dad. I man I believed would let nothing hurt me.
I trust no man. The one I trusted hurt me, took my childhood, and led me to hate him with everything inside of my soul. I wish he was dead most of the time.
With that being said... I hope I can overcome this paranoia. I really do. It’s taking over. It triggers so much of my anxiety.