I don't want to feel anything

Mom, why do you always side with others but never with me? You always choose others but never me. You keep things from me, making me feel like a fool. You complain to your son and even Gladys about me, making me feel like an outsider. It shows you even choose Gladys who isn't your daughter, over me. You make me feel really lousy as your daughter. It really sucks being your daughter. As a mother, not only do you not protect me but you join the others to complain about me.

Even now, when you help me, you do it because you have to, not because you want to. I am nothing but a job to you whilst you wait to "knock off work" or lie to me so you can spend your time doing what you really like which is spending time with all other people.

Yes, all this makes me feel like I have nobody. I really wish I was dead so I can stop feeling so unloved.

3 Replies

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  • Please take solace from the fact that you are not alone in this world who feel exactly like you. But you are looking only at the negative side. There is some positivity,it should bring best out of it,make you a better and more mature person ,who has tenacity to fight against all odds,who understands the value of love. So, please stop fighting with yourself and do whatever you like to do most and you enjoy doing it.

    Best wishes ang good luck to you.

  • This is quite common, it happened to me so I know how you must feel. My Mother for some reason thought ten years old was long enough to look after Her Son and eventually fifty years later We gave up on the whole very nasty family.

    Make sure that it is not a mental illness that is caused by these feelings of rejection. If it is depression you need to take advice.

    One problem I have with this is giving advice as I do not know your age. At sixteen you can go to see your GP and explain that you need help you do not need to take a parent., The Practice will decide the best way forward with your condition. You seem to need support and possibly proactive treatment. A social team may be able to give some form of support and advice on your family dynamics.

    All I would advise is that you try again talking to your Mother, I am a Lay person so not qualified to give advice. Talk to your GP and He will need to consider the best way forward and possibly discuss the situation with his partners.

    BOB

  • It is devastating when a primary carer turns their back on us. We look up to our primary carers for guidance, they are the ones we learn from and it is a survival instinct to do our uttermost to be accepted and loved by them (if a mother who's a primary carer rejects her child, how will the child survive?) Feeling unloved brings rise to a lot of shame, i.e. "I am a bad person, not worthy of love." The antidote to shame is compassion, in other words someone patting our back saying "hey, you're a lovely human being, you're great!" Try talking to your mother about how you feel; she may or may not understand. She probably behaves that way because she may have learnt this pattern from her family of origin at some point; there is definitely some kind of unresolved issue there and the one way she feels good is by complaining about you. What does this tell you? Would you say she is a happy woman deep down? Unlikely. This unhappiness is then projected onto you. There are some people we will never please and there comes a time when we have to decide, do we turn a page or close the book? Is there any point trying to get love out of someone who cannot give it? Or should we look elsewhere? It hurts deeply when this person is such a pivotal one to our existence but by looking for acceptance and love from someone who are limited will only continue to hurt us. Perhaps, write on a piece of paper all the good qualities about yourself, look at them and then think: Am I that bad a person? Do I deserve love? You may pleasantly surprise yourself! It may become very apparent that is not you who doesn't deserve love but the person whom you are looking for it from is incapable of giving it to you making THEM inadequate. YOU have feelings and that is what makes you human, someone warm that most likely people would like to approach and talk to. All the Best.

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