Hi, my first post here. I am 50, facing change and massive fear of the future.... And huge regret of the past and my choices and opportunities/youth lost.
And am blessed to have a beautiful 18 year old daughter, though I fear deeply for her future and vulnerability. Sometimes I panic and question my choice to bring her into this world and I feel such pain that I haven't been able to give her more in life, particularly siblings and the secure base of a big lively family. It's mostly been just me and her.
I have so many failed relationships, disappointment and heartbreak in my life. I am terrified of her being like me. Recently I have struggled to find any sense of hope and dreaded the dawn and the birdsong and have longed only for blackness and nothing.
I do not choose to take the medication route as it doesn't feel like the thing for me. I have practiced yoga for 20 years and am trying to use this misery to deepen into meditation, self love and acceptance to work my way out of a terrifying abyss of regret, fear and heart pounding anxiety. And debilitating insomnia and all that.
Not easy for any of us hey and my heart goes out to everyone here who is courageous in telling their story and reaching out.
Last night a beautiful homeopath friend suggested the remedy gold and I feel a little calmer today...and confident enough to express myself and post here for the first time and am trying to take positive action. Does homeopathy work or is it placebo?? No idea but I feel it is working for me.
Jung writes of the gold within the shadows and I am trying to find the gift of this nightmare experience... the hardest 6 months of my life. Another failed relationship left me flailing and obsessive and unable to get out of bed. Cried til I was empty and thin. I hope the worst is over now.
I have done so much research on depression. I have been inspired by the work on depression of dr Steve illiard (not sure I have the name quite right) There is a brilliant ted talk where he talks of the root causes of depression and he recommends exercise as the most powerful mood enhancer and also essential omega oils. I am trying both of these and vitamin b12.
I have also read a zillion inspirational quotes in recent months. Here's one of my favourites....
And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. F*** it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.
So the sun is shining and my daughter has just left for her penultimate A level exam. I am going to make today a good one in any way I can. The terror and regret is right here and i shall try to just breathe with it and keep on keeping on. Trying to choose love over fear. Trying to find energy not to wallow and procrastinate. I hope the same for all of us who suffer. May we be happy and well and make the most of this day, this moment, one breath at a time.