Confused on what to do now

I posted nearly a week ago anyway I was going to tell my personal tutor at college and I just couldn't. Everyone was really happy and laughing and so was she and I didn't really want to bring her mood down. Anyway my boyfriend has issues to depression and he went to talk to someone, he never replied for ages and I got worried eventually I had a panic attack and I've get them often once or twice a month Which sucks of course. Anyway last night was the worst I woke up araround 2am and didn't fall asleep until nearly 6am. Between them hours I ended up crying, wanting to cut (but I didn't) I got so low and I just can't control it, I want to talk to someone but I don't want them worrying about me or my carer finding out because I don't want people to worry about me. I also find it very hard to trust people due to my past so only my boyfriend knows about me. He helps but he says others can help too I'm just scared to trust anyone else.

17 Replies

  • Choco - first of all *hugs* That sounds horrible. I've been there with the sleepless nights and the panic attacks, and everyone around you being happy and it's just...awful.

    Now, that's good that your boyfriend is supportive. He's right, others can help too. I know it's hard to trust other people, and to reach out, but you need to.

    Your personal tutor is there to support you, so don't worry about bringing her mood down, or being a bother. She should keep what you tell her in confidence, so don't worry about your carer or anyone else finding out.

    If you find it hard to talk to people, write stuff down. Can you send her an email, or put a note in her office/pigeonhole? Just say that you would like a quiet word at a free moment, if you don't want to put your feelings on paper at that time. And then take in notes of your feelings to help you if you get stuck with talking.

    It's REALLY HARD to ask for help, I know, but believe me, it's better to do it as soon as you can. The quicker you can get help, the quicker you can find ways to help yourself, and live with/manage your panic attacks and depression.

    You can do this. Take care,

    Carmela x

  • It is horrible,thanks for the hug needed it. I like seeing others happy except it just makes me wish I could be like them and live what they call a normal life. I just found it hard trusting anyone anymore, I don't even fully trust my boyfriend I just come out with all this stuff to him because he helps ish and is the only one who knows. I might ask to talk to her on Wednesday which is when I see her again, so I hope nothing bad happens between then. Thank you for the help, I really appreciate it I'm sorry for the later reply, thank you x

  • Can't add much to what CarmelaGrace says. Just hugs and take care of yourself. Try to talk to your counsellor. Regards Lorna

  • I will try thank you :) sorry for a late reply x

  • With you feeling the way you do, what has caused this problem. Is it possible you are away from home and now starting your eduction. Many young people, i understand you are sixteen find the problem of being at College hard and find College Life etc strained until they get used to a new situation.

    There are people who will look out for you and they will not feel of put if you discuss with them the feelings you are suffering from. Personally I find a sixteen year old with a boyfriend at College, can be overpowering and worry some I am sorry to look at the situation in that way. When I was seventeen I got engaged when at college and we were both studying Scientific subjects in different Colleges it proved complicated and we became distracted.

    If you have been wondering to cut, have you done that before, or is it just a thought as I would be concerned if you where in danger of hurting yourself although I do not know your early life worries that you mention above. Remember people who look after you are there too help and if you are finding it difficult to talk you need to find ways to approach in a private way so you need to ask to see Him/Her in private.

    If you need to see your GP I do not know if you are able to visit your family Doctor. If it is a College GP you should see him and discuss your worries there

    Remember if you do have problems you need to see someone who can help. Remember we are also here to give support and listen

    Please understand if there is something wrong it is better to sort it now rather than leave it. You are entering an important period in your life please do not leave it to long to sort it out in the early days of lifes adventure


  • Hi Bob sorry late reply. I'm only in college 3 days a week for a few hours and get bus home after, I only left school in may and yes college is very different and I do miss school but I have settled in well, me and my boyfriend see eachother after college or maybe on lunch break or something so there's no pressure. I have cut before yes, for a few years now my early life wasn't great, reasons for why I'm in care now and I just feel like it's impacting me now for some reason. I an seeing a doctor hopefully soon so that will help hopefully. Thank you

  • Hi

    Since you post this a day ago Im going to take a risk, take the chance that you are slightly less distressed now and ask you a question.

    This thing about cutting yourself, now I must confess I haven't done it myself, but I have been the victim and sometimes engaged in violence, when I was younger and I know how that feels. Most people in violent relationships won't tell you that in a codependent relationship, there is some solace in the physical aspect as odd as that may seem, a form of release.

    So I'm not going to ask you why you cut because I think I understand that, it brings a form of relief, a pain to counter act the pain. What I would like to ask is ( and please only answer if you feel like it). Do you think there is anything you that could replace the cutting? Could you conceive of any other way of bringing yourself relief?

    I know some people 'run' out pain and anxiety, or go a bit crazy in the gym or take up boxing, even women! Of course others write songs and poetry, but because you cut I wonder what else could take its place?

    When I was angry I used to draw and paint at double speed, did some of my best work bizaarly enough, anyway, hope you don't mind me asking.


  • Hi I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, been so busy. I have cut before, being doing it for a few years. I try not to for my family, well I only have my dad and sister left, my carer I see as a part of my "family" even though we're not blood related. But I don't want them to feel like they haven't helped because they have, I just don't tell them anything because I hate people worrying about me. I do try to do other things to stop me from harming it just doesn't really help tO be honest. I just use use my family as something to stop myself most the time it stops me from doing it but not all the time. Thank you anyway xx

  • I will say before I start that I have never cut before, but I have had friends that have, and they said that when they tried not to cut, they put ice cubes on their arms or legs as displacement - also drew lines on their arms with (washable) marker or make-up. I don't know how much this helped as it obviously depends on the person, but thought I'd say anyway.


  • Yeah, I'm going to try and stop myself from cutting. I might get pens to draw across, or something. Thank you xx

  • Thats okay but because I'm pushy Im just going to try one more time ;-). Lets say your cutting was 'a swimming skill' but one day you fell and twisted your ankle so badly you 'couldn't swim for a few months until it healed. What then...

    So kind of like this, alll the knives and sharp things have been taken off the planet and you have false teeth, so there is no way for you to actually cut. How would you transfer your feelings?

    No need to answer but maybe have a sit with that for a moment. I know Im being a pain but just entertaining the problem as if it were real might give you an alternative. Your mind is even better than worlds most complicated computer, get it to work for you, when your a sleep or distracted, let it chew on this problem and maybe come up with a new coping skill, a fairer coping skill.

    Im glad your family help and you have a carer. You deserve the best life can give you


  • I suppose I'd just have to try not to harm myself by my nails, or beat myself up. I got really low tonight and did end up cutting but not alot, I stopped after I thought of my family. I feel really bad about it now. But yes I will try to think of other ways to stop harming myself. I don't like it but it does help for some reason :/ thank you xx

  • Hey WELL DONE! you cut 'but not a lot'...thats excellent!

    Maybe it's like smoking maybe you have to do a little less each time and the odd occasion you do more and slip up, you aren't harsh on yourself and just go back to trying to reduce how much you do until you stop!

    I think you do this? “the Feel-Think-Do Triangle?” It teaches a great rule: “Before you speak or act feel and think first.” when you explained you think of your family, would that be right?

    and I found this:

    An 18-year old girl who was the valedictorian of her high school gave a simple example of this: “It may sound silly but I find that playing with and talking to my dog helps me not to cut!”

    A young man explained what enabled him to stop injuring himself: “I do practical things like eat healthy and get needed rest. Sometimes I write poems, stories, or sketch because they take a lot of concentration and also express the emotions. Sometimes I will do a lot of physical exercise that is really intense.”

    Someone else who self-harms found help by, “Taking a brisk walk. Shower, eat, scream; hey, I have a ton of lists… “

    When stuff hits me I try and find a way round the problem, think out of the box if my lucid moments that is. The wrong time to solve a problem is when you are steeped in it, but on your good days you can maybe inch forward with new ideas.

    I think you can lick this, it's the people who wont , talk, who aren't willing to change who come off worst. By the mere fact you are moving towards the idea of not harming you show you are a strong and a very worthy admirable person. You can do this I don't have a doubt in my mind, but baby steps and when you do well on occasion, shout about it, jump up and down. :-)

    KEEEP GOING KEEEEP GOING, this year is better than last year, next year will be better than this, its all to play for, you deserve fun, happiness and joy. Keep going and dont let ANYONE or anything stop you :-)


  • Thanks you so much that made me smile ^_^ yes I feel really bad and stupid for doing it now, I really hope I stop this. Im talking to someone on Monday and see what they say and see what help I could get. Talking to people help except there's like no one I can trust so in the end I tell them 10% of what is going on but the rest I write down and that really helps me relax, I haven't been that bad in a while so I'm glad :) I will make this year a good one and will try not to hurt myself ever again :) thank you so much!! Katie Xx

  • Back up... I feel bad and stupid? Wrong!

    You should feel PROUD, the temptation came and I repeat you 'cut LEsS' and you thought about it ( and your family) and stopped, which slowed things down.

    I won't have it young Katie that you feel bad about your actions, that's the past you're building a new future, making inroads, no one expects you to just stop! No your way is right, reduce what you do, remain mindful and please if you can notice the good stuff when it comes. You are doing a GREAT JOB... WELL DONE.

    As to others well if it feels better just explaining 10% thats good enough, sometimes its about managing peoples expectations so they don't impact on you. Maybe when you trust them more you can share more.

    Also well done on the writing, getting it out, off your chest, empty your mind and then go and do something relaxing or fun.

    And keep talking Katie when you need to.

    Honestly you did a good job, right now your just practising how to stop for good, how to manage your emotions, with time you can improve things, baby steps.

    Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.


  • Thank you ^_^ I did cut less but I'd rather I didn't, I do swimming and yeah its in a visible place but I'm sure I'll hid it someho. WrWriting and music helps so much, my own medicine. I spoke to someone today, she said about counselling but I'm not sure I want too. Thank you and sorry for late reply xx

  • I'm a swimmer too. When I used to feel self destructive, I'd swim laps of butterfly, or laps without breathing, as fast as I could go. The muscle pain was intense, but it was a release and it felt better after. The key is to used up the oxygen in your muscles so you get that intense pain. I'd just think about whatever was bothering me, and push myself harder and harder.

    As I read back over this, it sounds a little sick to me now. But back then it really helped, and I don't have any scars, and I never told anyone, so I guess it's ok. And I don't feel those self-destructive urges any more.

You may also like...