Not sure if I am posting this to correct place (my first dipping toe-in-water) to be honest not sure why I am doing this, if it will help or just help pass the next few minutes.
I am 45 yours old, I have never suffered any form of mental ill-health (though have other health challenges along the way). About 16 weeks ago I started experiencing panic attacks. At first I didn't know what was happening to me, but the frequency (5 to 6 day, everyday) and the intensity meant they very quickly impact what I was doing.
Within a matter of days there were followed by anxiety, my emotions become overwhelmed and would end-up in me being curled-up in floods and tears, unable to console myself.
I have no idea why these things came from, why, how to stop them or what to do.
As someone with my own business (employing 25 staff), I have always been very busy and focused. I enjoyed facing new challenges and was at my best when managing multiple overlapping tasks. (Despite what people say men can multi-task!)
At this time a long standing friend was having relationship problems and I focused on helping her. It was great, I get away from focusing on what was effecting me and felt I was helping someone else and making a real difference. Unfortunately, it didn't last.
This person took advantage of my situation and decreasing ability to focus on my issues, deliberately and knowingly took actions that caused me pain and after taking all the financial help I could provide, turned her back on our friendship to sequence her relationship with her new boyfriend (despite fact this was only possible because of support and encouragement I had provided).
Added to this my 15 year marriage was (is) in trouble. This is nothing new, we have become friends but have slept in separate rooms for 7+ years and share no physical intimacy (touching, holding hands, hugging). I do have a 10 year old son, who means the world to me.
My situation is further compounded as I have been unable to do a single days work in 8 weeks. I have simply dropped off the radar, leaving my manager to cope.
So, 16 weeks ago I started experiencing panic attacks, now, the depression has consumed every part of my life and doing anything is difficult.
I'm living alone, struggling to accept that setting holes such as getting out of bed before 2pm is acceptable.
The hardest things is seeing the impact on those around me, especially my son.
When with family, I am easily irritated and overwhelmed, I snap and find engaging in activates, just sitting with him playing a game impossible. I see his disappointment and his struggle to understand. He has a farther who no longer lives with him and when with him is on edge.
I know I should be doing more, I need to do more, that I have let my manager simply take on a huge work burden, at less than an ideal time, but I can't. Not one email, not one meeting and the work in mounting. I also know it's not sustainable and if this continues could destroy the business and people will loose their jobs. I know this, these people matter to me, so why can't I act and why so easly dismiss the things I need to do.
I have been seeing a experienced therapist for around 8 weeks and she is great, been very supportive. When I wasn't eating and had no food in the house, she gave me the oppertunity to get things sorted but if hadn't of gone to the shop myself she was going to order food on-line!
The CBT is helping (I think) but the depression seems to have eaten away at everything. However I felt when this started, I now feel I have no merrit, no purpose, no value and am responsible for so much damage and pain, I hate it.
I am also taking anti-depressants and again (think they are helping).
There isn't a single explanation, a simple answer and trying to understand what is happening is difficult. Learning to accept this as an illness and not focus on what I can't do is something I fail at time and time again.
The final part of my pain has been seeing the few friends I have/had (hard to maintain friendships when have family, running a business etc) distance themselves. Initially they asked 'how are you?' and offered to help, come round and talk. Now (by text) they say 'hope you ok' (they don't want to know). They are busy and can't meet or come round (I understand they have busy live, it's Christmas and who wants to spend time with someone feeling like me.)
In last few weeks there have been a couple of times I thought it would be better just to end things, let people get on with their lives and end my pain. Yet I know this isn't the answer, and causes more pain.
So... I find myself here (writing a long, rambling into (sorry about that)
I do feel, that if I can make a connection it will help and I wan't feel quite so alone.