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I've been looking for a forum where I can read other peoples experiences with depression as in my life i have not a single person who truly understands me. I can and do tell my partner everything but it is just not the same, he doesn't get it or never will.

I am sick of being told 'only you can help yourself', 'its because of this', 'you need to do more things' etc. I'm so sick of it.

Anyway I have found this site through google having mainly been on NoMorePanic due to a horrid year in regards to health anxiety but the depression side of that forum isnt very big and I feel a site such as this one will be of great help to me.

My basic background is,

almost 6.5 years ago now I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Got help from Early Years Mental Health and altogether we decided my depression was triggered to due having my child, but it was not actually in regards to my child if that makes sense, it would have come sooner or later that was just the trigger

I was on Fluoxetine for almost 5 years, then Citalopram for 4 months and then Paroxetine for 8 months. I have had ups and downs as you do, but I have never been myself since the start of this. A year ago I also got Health Anxiety which has made things so much worse. It is affecting my relationship with my family, affecting my relationship with my partner and I am extremely ashamed to say it has turned me into a bad Mam, the only person I have admitted that too is my partner. I am riddled with guilt because of it and I am just seriously fed up, lonely and confused as to where to go next. I have extreme self esteem issues (I think I may have Body Dysmorphia) and it makes things so much more difficult.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and I hope I enjoy being on here as much as I enjoyed gaining reassurance from NMP. :-)

26 Replies

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  • Hi there and your very welcome to the Forum, you do seem to have a lot if things , Are you on Meds. ? Unfortunately people with Depression can become a bit self obsessed and tend to

    Go on too much about their problems. In the end you can end up friendless and alone, so

    Don't go down that route.

    Coming here was a positive step and keep checking in, some people post once with a long tale

    Of woe and then they disappear, so someone e new comes here great, but I don't always expect

    Them to stick around. It's a funny old thing, anyway hope you stick around if it suits you,

    The people or regulars on here are a great bunch and fun too, it's not all doom and gloom.

    Hannah

  • Thank you for your reply, yes I have already been told 'I talk about myself all the time', shame as I thought that was what family was for. Annoyingly I used to get told I wasn't open enough and that they couldn't help if they didn't know what was going on. You can't win sometimes haha.

    I have been med free for 6 weeks now as I couldn't control my weight and now when I look in the mirror and feel immense self hatred and disgust. I have been taking Omega 3 and Vitamin E and am feeling no worse than I did when on meds. I also only had a few weeks of feeling hideous and parathesia as my withdrawal so I feel lucky in that respect too as people say Paroxetine is horrible to quit cold turkey.

    I have read a few other posts and everybody seems lovely and genuinely helpful.

    Thank you

  • Lovely post Hannah. Hi pinkjumper and welcome to the site. Love your name :d

    We all understand about depression here, oh boy do we. I agree with Hannah: people who haven't experienced mental health problems rarely understand. They just don't know how to deal with it apart from silly remarks like 'pull yourself together' etc. like you are a pair of curtains. :) This is a great site and a very safe place to talk, vent, rave and ask questions. You won't be patronised here but you will be understood. You are not alone and you will get empathy on here. Look forward to speaking to you some more. x

  • Hi Cough thanks for that. How are you? How is Breezy? She must be getting

    Bigger.

    Hannah xx

  • ..er don't know how to tell you this but Breezy is actually a 'he'. I was gobsmacked when the vet told me. Lucky I picked a non gender specific name :)

    Yep he is getting bigger and more destructive - heeeelp. Love him though. Thanks for asking :d

  • Ah Cough that's so funny, anyway Breezy is a cute name, my one is female and big v.big and fluffy. She was tiny when I get her but like Topsys she just growed and growed. Lovely sunny day here.

    Big hug to you.

    Hannah x

  • Thank you, I'm strangely excited because I have never really spoken to anybody who has had depression.

    I was thinking of a name so nobody I know would be able to recognise me hehe and saw a (you guessed it) pink jumper hanging up and that was the birth of my username.

    Yes, I've had the pull yourself together thing from my partner, he now understands (or at least pretends to) that it is not that simple.

    Thanks again for the reply and both of you for taknig the time to read my post :)

  • Just read your new post pinkjumper (love your name). You will find here a lot of families (and friends) don't understand. Mine don't. I tried to talk to my sister once and she said 'what have you got to be depressed about?' I never try now. I do a little bit with friends but don't want to bore them or drag them down so limit that. I do most of my depression gabbing on here and get lots of support and caring. xx

  • Yes my sister has said to me that I am not doing anything to help myself and that meds are just a mask. On very rare occasions that I do say the word 'depression' the air becomes very tense and awkward so when I am around my family I no longer mention it. However my family can surely see my short temper and I am terrified they will mention it as I do not know how to respond to people who hurt, insult or anger me.

    Its a shame those close to us dont understand more then our close relationships may not suffer so much.

    Again thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

  • Yes my sister has said to me that I am not doing anything to help myself and that meds are just a mask. On very rare occasions that I do say the word 'depression' the air becomes very tense and awkward so when I am around my family I no longer mention it. However my family can surely see my short temper and I am terrified they will mention it as I do not know how to respond to people who hurt, insult or anger me.

    Its a shame those close to us dont understand more then our close relationships may not suffer so much.

    Again thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

  • Sorry to keep going on but how do you guys react if people call you miserable, boring, lazy etc? Do you ignore them? I just say nothing although it bothers me so much I wish I could scream at them to stop being so thoughtless, even if I thought somebody was boring, I wouldn't dare tell them but then again I'm a bit of a coward hehe.

  • Hi Punkjumper , to be honest no one has called me boring or lazy etc. I would not accept

    That kind of rudeness from people and would just minimise my contact with them. Are they

    Friends who say that? If so they sound like a rude bunch.

    Be assertive and ignore those types.

    Hannah

  • Hi Photogeek, it is actually family members who say that. They aren't bad people by all means but at times they can be very blunt and whilst I am not blaming by depression on anyone at all, I do feel that it would not have prolonged so much had I had support from loved ones. I can tell my partner anything at all but even he gets digs in now and again like when I am down he says I purposefully cause arguments, but at least if I speak back to him we can agree to disagree, with my family it feels as though if I speak back they will argue with me.

    I only really have 1 close friend and although I can tell she is sick of my 'down' texts, she has never said a bad word to me and I doubt she ever would, she had a bit of a rough year last year so has had a taste of what it feels like, luckily her partner was unbelievably supportive.

    Thanks for the response.

  • Um wouldn't like it. I don't really get such direct remarks but i do remember my youngest sister saying once that she bet she has worked more years then me. She has defriended me on fb because I told her a few home truths....I haven't seen or spoken to her since january this year and nor do I want to! x

  • Hi coughalot1, that is heartbreaking and defriending you on facebook seems somewhat childish. Do your family know you're ill?

    I have had slight remarks about me not working this year, when I said I don't feel like working at the moment I was asked if I just have no ambition. (Not in a nasty way, but it infuriated me beyond words).

    I wish I could be a Mental Health campaigner as I truly think more awareness needs to be raised so people don't lose their close ones due to them simply getting fed up, however I am too deep in a hole at the moment to even begin to do anything like that.

    Thanks for your reply.

  • When you have someone to care you can off load, but when you are alone that's when it becomes scary, being alone isn't an option, when your family die,yet some inner strength makes me face each day, despite anxiety and depression. being on here and sharing our feelings is good.

  • Hi alyselina thank you for replying, you sound like you have had a rough time. I am glad you are able to face each day even though it must be beyond challenging. Its great to know that everyone is looking out for each other and unfortunately for all of us we have all had a taste of depression and/or anxiety and we can understand each other more than those who don't suffer.

    Don't get me wrong, even people without depression get stressed, and in instances such as bereavement, job loss, relationship breakdown they may even feel depressed, so obviously everybody else isn't just living the high life, but us lot never seem to get relief, at least not in the long term.

  • my partner used to say " you in a mood again". if only it was that simple lol. he couldn't see he was partly to blame for my "mood" and a kind word or a hug would have made so much difference to my "mood". am hoping he has learnt from my leaving. he now seams to at be listening and hopefully trying to at least understand . time will tell x

  • Yes I agree a good amount of support at home can make the world of difference. Alot of my set backs are due to things my partner has said or done, whilst I don't think he is to blame, it would be nice for him to see my side for once, or ask how I am feeling etc.

    I hope your partner tries to understand you more.

  • Hi sorry to hear you are going through this terrible illness it is upsetting when nobody understands what you are going through but there a lot of people on this site who will do their best to help try and manage each day and do what you can not easy I know having too much on your mind can saturate your brain and you come incapable of doing the easy tasks anyway hope you feel better soon from duncan

  • Hi pink jumper, just want to give you some reassurance that things can and do get better in the long term. I had post natal depression with my first child, which is 26 years ago next week! I also reflected many times about life and realised i,probably have always had depressive tendencies. I turned to drink very early in life as a teenager, other things too! I have always struggled but have been able to put a lot of my experience to good use in the work I have done for many years now. I think those of us who have this level of difficulty with just 'being' can be the most empathetic and approachable people for others who find life hard. In the last 30 years or so I have had bad times but also many, many good times too! Exercise helps a lot, but I still need to take meds and have accepted that. Good luck and I really wish I had had somewhere like this forum to go to for support in the early days, only others who've been there can really understand. My husband is lovely and I'm amazed he's still here after 29 years!, but he can never really get what this is about. Best wishes, Tracey x

  • Hi Camperfan, sorry for the late reply - I must have bypassed my email notification. Thank you very much for your reply and also the reassurance. I agree 'our kind' seem to be very empathetic etc.

    I too feel that I had these tendencies beforehand and having a baby just brought them all out.

    Luckily I have never turned to drink or anything (I did used to drink on occasion but never due to me feeling down), instead my way of 'dealing' is to either cry, eat or get angry!

    I am so glad you have a husband who is understanding and I guess nobody really gets it unless they have been there, I think I need to learn to accept that now.

    Thank you :-)

  • WISH MY HUSBAND

  • WISH MY HUSBAND was still alive and also my son, have had a very stressful day and no one cares

  • Hi alyselina, not sure what your message means but I am sure people do care. We all have stressful days and there is nothing worse than that feeling that no one else cares but chances are they do and probably just have a different way of showing it. Why not write a post, have a good moan and people on here will make you feel better.

  • Ah Alyselina, it sounds like you were having a very bad day yesterday. It is really hard being on your own sometimes isn't it. I notice you are in your 70's. Are you in physical pain as well as emotional as I always feel that can make things harder.

    If you are reasonably well physically depending on your area could you maybe look at some ageuk activities to get you out and about? They run daycentres and all sorts of things including providing support if you are having problems looking after yourself. Another one is the redcross they are very good, so it may be worth you having a look.

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