Holly I have so much respect for you. You always try and look at the situation sensibly and methodically. I'm so sorry that this is happening for you just now. I'm sure I am just one of many people here who are glad you don't live higher than the first floor. Who can help you Holly? Is there someone you can get an emergency appointment with tomorrow? Come and stay in Wales with me for a few days, you'd be more than welcome
A few years ago I realised when I was listening to some music after getting really upset and quite angry after a set of therapy sessions where I just could not gel with the therapist - that I was actually finding the the music I was listening - a stormy piece of dvorak - was actually allowing me to leave the anger behind - it was like the music was expressing and feeling all the anger so I didn't have to anymore. May be there is something loud and violent that you could listen to on headphones that might have the same effect.
Really hope you manage to find some way of turning the safety valve on the anger before it starts to turn in on you.
I need to go to the chemist, it's freezing, raining, but I'll put my headphones on and go for a brisk
stampede (you probably couldn't call it a walk lol)
I know where part of this is coming from, half of it is coz this bloody depression just won't shift, but the other part is the anger and frustration at myself that I just can't get off these f-in drugs, it makes me feel weak, a let-down, a failure,and a lot more..
I better go before I do smash their low quality shitty double glazed windows (I still get grit and all
Years ago when I was at college I drew the short straw of trying to keep one of the resident alcoholics out of the bar for long enough to prevent alcohol poisoning. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and probably ever will do. Addiction isn't a problem of willpower - it's a physical problem - hope you realise that. Do you have a support group you can go to? Willpower only comes to play when you really manage to get clean and then you need so much support to stay away from the stuff - whatever your poison is. If you are living somewhere where it's available easily then it's nigh on impossible.
I have a bit of an obsessive personality at times but guess I'm lucky in the substance abuse stakes as there always seems to be something in my brain that just goes 'that's enough!' and I stop.
You're so right, it's physical, and also psychological in a big way (all the little rituals, and all the things I have been doing day in day out my entire adult life are SO hard to break), but stopping on willpower alone is near enough impossible..
Glasgow's not the best way for staying away from drugs, it's literally everywhere, every scheme, every street, every town, but it is possible to stay clean.
I got clean in rehab a few year ago, for the first time in my life, but relapsed after nearly a year (6month in rehab and 5and a half months outside I lasted).
Then I had 1 hit, and that was me, hooked again, I'd set off the obsession.
And I beat myself up something stupid about it, I suppose I still do, but I keep trying,and hopefully will get there again sooner rather than later.
That's not only lucky how you're able to tell yourself you've had enough, it's a
really strong quality that not many people have..
And so what if you're a bit obsessive about some things, as long as it doesn't affect
your life in a negative way it doesn't matter..
I always wished I was addicted to cleaning or something, something usefull anyway.
PS Thankgod we can't get guns over here, I'd probably be out on a killingspree right now before turning it on myself..
Hi Holly
I am sorry you are feeling so bad - I know that feeling, of wanting to drive into the nearest brick wall or jump off a bridge so life will stop being so painful. I guess you are frustration and rage because you want someone to offer the rehab you need and support you to stay off drugs and I guess you are also angry with yourself for not being able to do what you need to by yourself. It's a viscous circle, wanting someone to help then finding they don't, then trying to do it alone but finding you can't manage that I felt pretty much the same way on and off for years, though not in relation to drugs. I wish I could help you, but I can't, so all I can do is say let it out whenever you can and I care, though it isn't much. I imagine you feel rage about how you managed to 'f' up so much of your life by turning to drugs when you found things hard, but beating yourself up about it doesn't help anyone so try to love yourself a bit more when you can because you are very loveable and do not deserve to find things so hard. Did you get a teddy?
Oh, that's so sad to put a child in the toilet - I know your mum did her best, but what you needed was someone to hold you through your rage until it subsided and for them not to be overwhelmed by it. Being left to cope with those feelings on your own must have (at least unconsciously) left you feeling the rage was too destructive for anyone to deal with and also left you feeling you had to cope alone, which of course you couldn't because you were only a wee child. Maybe now you need to rage and know people will not leave you to cope alone, that might help you! Beating the habit is another matter - it's a bit like me beating the habit of eating sweet things only probably many times worse, but I think you will do it once it feels right for you.
I'm fine, my daughter and her partner were here and we had a lovely time with them, tomorrow they come back late in the evening from London. My son and his wife have arrived and are staying with their Dad but also arriving tomorrow which will be great. I'm emotionally a lot better right now, but physically have been feeling off colour for weeks or maybe even months. My GP is doing blood tests.
Aw I was laughing about my mum putting me in the toilet there, she'd tried everything else first I'm sure, and then out of sheer desperation flung me in the loo, where I'd vent my anger for 5 or 10 minutes and once I'd calmed down I'd just come walking out as if nothing ever happened lol, I suppose it does sound a bit cruel, but it honestly wasn't, the door wasn't even locked, I could've walked out any time only I was so busy with my tantrum I didn't even think of trying the door lol
I'm glad you're having a nice time with your daughter, I remember you were telling me she was coming last week, and your son too, so that 'll lift your spirit a bit for sure!
I hope they find out what's wrong with you when they take bloodtests, coz not feeling right doesn't do your mental health any good either..
Our South East Alternatives community rehabilitation programme has spaces available, based in the Gorbals. For info t.co/7BjwRMzayi 05:42:43 PM January 17, 2014 from HootSuite
Holly just saw this on the Turning Point web. It would be great if you could get in
Lol no way Hannah, that's the dayprogram I've been going to for the past year!!
what are the odds of that eh!
It's residential rehab I'd really want, but it's just not there for me.. They call those day-programs
'Community Rehabs', because it is a kind of rehab, only it's out in the community, so you go home at the end of the day. Well after the two hours it lasts
That's so funny, how you ended up finding the exact place I go to!
They've got spaces because they've just done a 'sweep', it's got 3 phases, and a lot of
people in phase two were coming in pure wasted and full of it, so they sent them all packing, but
if they don't get any service users they don't get any money either, and they still have to pay to run the place!
I'll go and read you're pm, I'lll have nothing to tell ye now coz I've just told ye everything lol
Holly 3 months ago I felt exact same, days I'd be crying all day other days felt angry n wanted to scream for no reason. It got to point I bought whole load of painkillers, I hated myself for even thinking that. My only other choice was go doctor n tell her how I felt, which didn't like thought off bt once I spoke to her was like weight was lifted of shoulders n took each day as it came am feeling better than what I was. Holly you have took the first step asking for help, you should make an appointment with your doctor for tomorrow, best thing I done x
that's exactly how I feel, one minute I'm raging, then I'm crying, but not out of sadness, more out of sheer and utter despair..
Horrible isn't it.
My doctor knows, my psychiatrist knows, but they just don't seem to care.. I was even considering
to get lifted by the police today so that at least I couldn't hurt myself or anyone else if I was locked up
for the night, but then I remembered how bloody cold those cells are and thought, nah.. lol
I will say to my psychologist next time I see him, coz he just kinda glosses it over, almost ignores it
when I say how close I sometimes come to doing myself in..
Maybe they're those kinda people that think if a person says they're thinking about suicide, they
won't do it, if that's ridiculous since they're professionals and should know better!
Luv Holly Xxx
Holly I hope your ok!!!
Don't despair, it will all be ok one day you just have to wait for the sun to shine and when it does you'll be so glad you didn't do anything to yourself. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself, these feelings won't go away overnight but when you finally shake them off you will fall in love with the world!! Just wanted to let you know that im thinking of you and sending a big hug your way!!! Xxxxx
Like gambit I use music a lot, both to express my moods and to change them too. My house is hardly ever silent, i have the radio on a lot of the time, it does help to cover over my thoughts when they get too obsessive.
Anger is one thing that i find difficult to control, it spirals and spirals, took a very long session at the gym this evening to get me back to what passes for normal, hope the rest of the week isn't going to need as much energy to stay in control.
I'm sure you have had lots of expert advise on getting off drugs. I am only able to change bad habits slowly, and i'm a bit like that frog in the well who hops up six bricks, and slithers down four, I can only change slowly, and I don't expect myself to improve in a hurry, I do still have to stop myself getting mad at myself for not always being onwards and upwards..
Yeah music is definitely good for the soul! I did feel better when I went for my walk with my headphones, music and exercise, it's a proven thing isn't it.. Produces is it dopamine? Natural endorphins? I know it helps anyway..
In theory I've got a lot of knowledge and advice on getting off drugs, but in practice it's a different story!!
It's just bloody hard, and even harder when you try and do it yourself.. you need support and people
who can help you in one way or another, coz willpower alone is not enough..
My problem is I have no patience, I want it yesterday, so I try and do it too fast, make myself suffer
more than necessary, and fail..
You take it easy gardengnome, taking it slowly is in most cases the best way!!
Oh I I remember feeling like that for years, you have to go back to the gp, the drugs your on just isnt enough. How your feeling is an indication that something isnt working. So go back to gp be honest about how you have been feeling. Make urgent appointment.
I know what your says sooo much, but just hold on, with the knowledge in your head, this isnt like you, your ill and you need help.
take care
Linda,,,,,,, it might help too to talk to someone, to get those feelings out, or write them down...
Hi Holly I am so sorry you are feeling like this, I can't relate to drug addiction but I can relate to the anger, depression and frustration you feel as I feel this almost every day. I hope you start to feel better and please go and see your GP. Have you got anyone at home you can talk to in person? If not just let it all out on here as we are all here to help in any way we can. Take care of yourself Holly. Love darkangel xx
Thanks angel, no I don't really have anyone I can talk to, I so wish I had.. Someone that understands.. Just as well this forum is here, at least I can talk to yous and I know people on here
understand and have the same feelings..
How did you get on on Wednesday? Did you enjoy it? Hope you did and you'll go back!!
Just keep talking on here everyone helps each other, the self esteem group was very stressful speaking in front of everyone but I am sure it will be a bit easier next week. love darkangel xx
Ow that would've been stressful! But you went and you done it, and like you say it will get easier the more you do it.. Bet ye felt good after having done it though?
Hope you enjoyed it too, even if it was stressful..
I was that stressed out that I didn't get to enjoy it at all, but I am not giving up and I will be going next Wednesday as I know that in the long run it will benefit me. love darkangel xx
He gets paid for seeing you!,,, like any service if your not happy with it, change!!!
ie if you dont like a solicitor your seeing , he gets paid by the hour, you change him and his attitude, because your paying!
honey, are you really hearing voices or is it your sub contious sorry, I have had a drink. Yes my world isnt perfect either, I dont usually drink, didnt on xmas, but fuck it. lol
I went training for many years to be a counsellor to help in the right way.. but because I dont tick the right boxes, I cant get registered. Sod them I say.
So what Im saying is, only you can change things!. I did wonder what sort of family life you had?. mine was shit too. lol, but I thought with what I have experienced I could help others. So writing things might help others and in time, might help you to see, it does get better in time.
how ever lost or hurt or wanting to end it all, this pain isnt forever, and it is the emotional pain that hurts the most. Thats what counsellors try to get too. Because when you have delt with the pain, it dont hurt anymore.
It took more than 20 years but I have felt I have been given a second chance, in life that is. look around you, enjoy the little things, do what makes you happy. x And for gods sake Change your Doctor!!! for being crap!!! vote with your feet!!!
yeah I should change my GP, I nearly did last year, but it's a practice so there's more than one doctor, and for a while there was a locum there and she was really good!
She done more for me than that doctor who's officially my doctor had in 10 years!
Unfortunately she's away again now, so I will have to change my GP at least, as for my psychologist
and my drugworker, it's a bit harder as they're so overworked and there just aren't enough of them,
so you just get told there's no-one else available at the moment, I've already tried a few times.
My psychiatrist I've only seen 3 times coz she keeps putting appointments off by a month, and when I
see her she's always in a hurry..
The services are just crap up here..
Its good to hear you're doing so well, it gives people (well, me anyway) hope that there is light
at the end of the tunnel!
So thanks for your encouraging post, especially the uplifting last bit, and you're right, fuck it,
Holly, I know what you mean about considering suicide but weighing up the people you'll hurt by leaving the behind and the constant struggle you have to go through daily. My boyfriend says it would be incredibly selfish of me to commit suicide - I guess it would a bit, in a way. But I often feel like people don't understand exactly what I'm going through. Plus I can never really comprehend how I would be being selfish - because I feel worthless and unimportant anyway - like I'd be a burden off everyone's shoulders. Anyway Holly, please hang in there. I'd ask if you have anyone supportive around you, but I find that's of little help to me because they don't understand. Have you been to the doctors? Do you have anyone your age also suffering from depression? I do, and talking to them about it makes me feel a lot less lonely. I know you don't want to struggle anymore, but there are alternatives, like anti-depressants and counselling - I find particularly the counselling is good as it really helps to have someone to talk to. I'm always here Hope things have picked up for you and you've started seeking out the help you need. It can take a while to get into the right place with tablets and counselling, but it's definitely worth it. Love and hugs xxxx
And I often feel like a second class citizen because I do absolutely nothing with my day, ever. And I do drink a lot of alcohol. But you're an amazing person, just like everybody else on here I hope you get the confidence to seek out the help you deserve, it sounds like you're going though hell xxxx
Hi I'm back again, I talk to my mum every night at 7pm on facebook, which kinda helps because it does and has stopped me from killing myself a few times..
I read something somewhere that rang very true; 'By committing suicide all you're doing is transferring your pain and suffering onto the people you leave behind'
Which is the people who care most about you, and I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone, especially not my family and loved-ones! But sometimes it just gets too much and even that isn't enough to stop me, fortunately none
of my attempts have been successful (obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this ), and hopefully there
won't be a next one..
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and I'm on medication, so hopefully things'll get better at some
point..
I'm in the middle of changing medication and I think that's what's been causing me to have a bit of a
tough time lately, as it kinda started to go downhill when they weaned me off one thing and started me on two other things and I know it all takes time to get out of your system and for things to build up in your system and
start working, so here's hoping things'll improve asap..
Sorry for going on about me this whole post lol, I'm not usually like this. I think it's time I gave myself a kick up the arse and start a new day tomorrow.
Thanks again for your support Sapphire, I hope you're ok and having a good night.. Lotsa love, Holly Xxx
I think she moved to a practice in another area, which wouldn't take me on.. There is another practice in my area, I could see if I could move to there..
I feel so deply moved by your writing because I am in the same sinking boat as you . I too have been thinking of throwing myself from some tall building but like you rightly say it is not that simple and easy . You don't want to make a mess of it , end up seriously crippled or brain damaged following a failed/botched attempt .
Iknow and understand when you talk about the incredible continuous paina nd suffering and you cant struggle any more and you don't bloody care about anything or anybody any more .
I share your great despair and I can only hope you will slowly get better and find the will to live or as they say, find a reson to live .
All I can offer is sympathy and words of comfort and a big hug !
You need to learn to accept yourself and people and to learn to like yourself or value yourself .
At least you are still young and your future should be in front of you (not behind like me)
Please keep in touch and write to me as little or as much as you want .
I helps a lot to let it all out and maybe you will see better/clearer.
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