Struggling to cope

Hi Everyone

A massive step for me, I've had low moods anxiety and low points for approx 10 years. Been mainly in denial and plodded on so to say. However recently partner had breakdown and I gave him constant support which in turn brought about exhaustion for me and I became moody. We would bicker and I'd say the wrong things in turn hurting him but by no means did I mean too. Came home from work one day to find he's gone and wants no contact, though when it was good our relationship was amazing. He felt unable to cope and support me yet we are speaking of a man who adored me and would stop the traffic for me. I also care for a relative too and work, yet all I needed was to feel support. So now I'm trying to deal with depression and the loss of my everything because he meant the world to me. I seen doctor who has referred me for primary mental health services in my area and I've arranged to see a counsellor too. But I'm both struggling and devastated. Sorry for the long post I know but I need to empty what is going on inside. I thought of suicide but the thought of my children, (all over 16 ) being without there mum stops me yet I have written a letter for all family members if ever I can't move on from where I feel I'm stuck at the moment. Supportive colleagues tell me it won't be easy but I will get better in time, part of me agrees but part of me wants what I had with my partner and I feel that won't happen. Please reply.

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Hi Bob I know it's early days and I'm hanging literally to my phone just for a change of heart. Missing him dearly.

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Hang on a minute - you supported him and helped him through his depression yet when you in turn became anxious and exhausted he decided he didn't want to support you? Then he claimed you had said the wrong things? It sounds like your relationship was only amazing when you were doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking! He doesn't sound much of a catch to me.... x

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Morning coughalot2

Woah your words are echoing through my mind, but the funny thing is I kind of agree with you because you are so very true. I wish you could be my counsellor right now. I done more than most would of like his lunchbox for work, set mealtimes and even cutting his hair on demand. I'd make sure certain clothes were clean for him to wear I sorted out all his medications and appointments. He wanted for nothing, everything in our home was done for him, I thought that was what us ladies done took the role and cared deeply for those we love. Sounds sad I know but if I were cooking for us family and he didn't like certain foods I'd even cook him something separate that he liked. I pushed my own low worn out feelings aside to accommodate everyone else's needs but they often came through in anger bursts and I think it got mistaken for been horrible person.

Thankyou for your reply it's given me today's strength. And if I feel real low and emotional I'll look over this reply and get my strength from it, a million thanks x

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Hi cjayuk88 I am glad to have helped just a little bit. It makes me feel useful.... I read through your post quickly and that's what came across very strongly. Any healthy relationship should be interdependent not dependant with one partner doing all the giving and one doing all the taking.

Way back in the day this is exactly what women were supposed to do, suppresss our own needs and wants and putting ourselves last. Not nowadays though as it doesn't work coz we all have needs that must be addressed. This is not being selfish but realistic and no wonder you were angry some of the time.

Loving someone doesn't mean being a slave to them and catering to their every need and wish. I think you need to work on your self assertiveness - have you considered a course. You should be able to do it online. x

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Hi coughalot2

I've booked for private counselling as this was the quickest though expensive option and the local Primary Mental Health Team are assessing me via telephone in two weeks times. I agree I need to assert myself more and I guess though I'm only 43 years I took on the role of how it used to be not how it should be. He was a caring considerate person but of late got consumed in his breakdown and feels the need to let it control him and maybe that's how he felt unable to support me properly. But I make no excuses for him, he wasn't here for me in my hour and yes he had too much done for him and a slave is what I don't want to be.

Thanks coughalot2 x

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I think us woman all have an element of ignoring our own needs for the sake of others, I am 62 and was brought up with that attitude as well. It was always seen as a womans role to be responsible for the partnership/marriage and in order to do that she had to put others first at all times and ignore her own needs and wants. We were considered selfish if we weren't self sacrificing at all times. Many women of my generation ended up pill popping coz they were so unhappy.

Good on you seeking out counselling as I am sure this will help you. Bev x

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Hi coughalot2

You are so right in your words, all of my needs I ignored just to sacrifice everyone else's happiness. Today though is the first day I feel empowered and strong all thanks to your posts that has made me sit up and realise that I'm not totally the bad person in all of this sad situation. I am far from perfect but a lot was said and done out of being over protective of him and caring too much when in all honesty he probably could be a bit more assertive himself and done a lot more to help himself.

Thanks heaps coughalot2 you've been a massive support to me.

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To give your ex partner his due though it is not easy to live with a mental health problem, and nor it is any easier to support someone with it either. It's usually 6 of one and half a dozen of the other after all. Relationships are difficult at the best of times and poor mental health certainly doesn't help!

You carry on feeling empowered and strong love. Remember you are as important as anyone else be they male or female. Bev x

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Hi Bev

Thankyou for those kind words, I too feel the illness is the biggest cause of all this situation. But I'm making changes to address my issues. I just wish so he would acknowledge and accept that his own recovery is far from over. His breakdown started in November 2015 through his sides family stresses, his father was extremely poorly and has since passed away, but my ex ( ooh I hate that thought ) had never really addressed anything, just took the medication and tried to be himself which was never the case. I begged and pleaded not to let the illness destroy what was good, yes I know even though I done most things but I've fallen on deaf ears. So this is how it is to be, it's been an eye opener to say the least but this site has helped massively and you also, so thanks Bev xx

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You are welcome. I think may people (especially men) tend to go into their cave where mental health issues are concerned. Bev x

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Hello cjak, the resilience and strength of some sufferers always amazes me. I consider myself to be pretty strong but would have found your situation devastating. How could he be so weak and dastardly as to leave in the way he did ? Just the fact that you managed to "plod on" with depression and anxiety was no mean achievement and then to lose a relationship in that manner was very hard and unjust.

All that said. There's no rule that life has to be fair and when its unfair we just have to apply our own golden rule which is that whatever life throws at me, however awful ,I will survive and prevail. I have no doubt that you will manage this and that your ally Time will eventually work its usual magic. Until then you probably face a grim period of hanging in there.

Having a job, and supportive colleagues will help and I think you could be forgiven for explaining to your children what a blow this has been to you. At 16+ they will no doubt realise this to some extent but they might well regard you as indestructable and not appreciate that a bit of extra support and love for you might help you through this period.

I better sign off as the more I think about your partner's behaviour the more furious I'm getting. My mind has got stuck on the phrase "How could the bastard ?....." .

I do hope you find many bright spots in the short term ,until you emerge fully into the sunlight again which you surely will.

Olderal

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Hi olderal

Thankyou for such strong words as all of your post makes me feel as though I share your words exactly. I love him and don't feel any hate towards him but I also needed him too. I kept thinking two wrongs don't make a right us both feeling low but he never was this person. Maybe I Molly coddled him, done to much who knows but to let mental health ruin all what I thought was good was a cruel devastating blow both for me, my three girls and my pappa is devastated too.

Thankyou for the reply it's means a lot to me x

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Follow up: I too have to switch off on occasion because I start to think exactly as you do and I wouldn't want to throw heat into the situation and then for people to say she's off again lol

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My situation is the same so know how you feel, let's carry on and think about ourselves cause we will only fall deeper x

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Hi silv98

Aw I hope your finding strength in these posts from everyone, yesterday I had no strength just clinging, begging, praying for his return. However today I feel strong and upbeat and it was all of your replies that have made me feel this strong. It was only yesterday I felt so low as to the point if I fell asleep and never woke hey ho, but today I feel why should my life be so short then he walks back in on our girls to reclaim all the glory I will be having with them when we move on from this awful place.

It's hard and I'm far from over this episode by any means but trust in these users replying to our posts as I feel it's helping me massively.

Take care Hun x