Struggling today : Hi all am struggling... - Mental Health Sup...

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Struggling today

Smudge2522 profile image
Smudge2522

Hi all am struggling today have been separated from my ex for a few months now but only moved out last month which has been a challenge for numerous reasons (esp as it means I don’t see the kids as often as I had been). It’s just the constant ups and downs m, more downs at the moment but I know I need to take it one day at a time. But recently I can’t seem to get my ex out of my head she’s just in there all the time and no matter what I do she’s there - I know I need to move on and have been trying to come to terms with the relationship being over and sometimes I think I’ve made progress but then something happens and it sets me back what feels like months almost to the point where I feel like I need to start again and just don’t know how many more times I can keep revisiting the same thoughts over and over again. I know I have a long way to go to fix myself as this period of my life has been amongst the most challenging I’ve ever faced and towards the end of November I went down to the lowest point I could ever be. the only way it could have gotten worse would be for me not to be here - I don’t feel like I’m back at the point where I want things to end but I’d be thing if the I said I didn’t regularly half think about it on more than a weekly basis (only think but not plan anything). Any suggestions on how I can start to refind or maybe even find who I truly am as I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hope it makes some sense

12 Replies
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Hidden

Friendship or maybe some contact, may make you see your true feelings. You need to enjoy yourself and your independent living and freedom. Maybe you should start seeing someone else, this may help you to grow and develop even if just friendship, take your time, this time. You might find more in depth relationship and more caring and your feelings will go into this relationship. Remember you come first and care more about yourself and mental health and health

Smudge2522 profile image
Smudge2522 in reply to Hidden

Thank you for taking the time to read my message. You are right I do need to find that freedom I just don’t know how, which as a 39yr old is ridiculous, I don’t know who i am and don’t know how to even start to begin to find out. I guess I’ve never really been able to out myself first and don’t know how to look after myself which is maybe why I’m currently where I am. Maybe new relationships are the way forward but have spoken to a couple on pof and still feels like I’m cheating which makes no sense to me whatsoever I guess it’s going to take time I’m just going to have to wait it out deal with it day by day and maybe even hour by hour as it’s been a really tough week - tears and everything today which as a male isn’t the easiest thing to admit but I’m still standing I’ve not hit the rock bottom I did in November where I’d planned on ending things so the only way I guess is upwards I just don’t know how I’m going to fare negotiating these rocky waters

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Hidden in reply to Smudge2522

Whether you like talking to the person and like responding, then you will know if the person is right for you but you will probably have to make the move to contact and bring home anyone you really like. Some people will feel really close and it may make it easy for you to make the next move. See, what you feel but do try, going to the next level, it will be good for you to really know.

Smudge2522 profile image
Smudge2522 in reply to Hidden

Hi Indervir thank you for taking the time to read and reply. One way to move on is to see if I can put myself out there again and start to begin the new chapter- as terrifying as that may seem to me right now it will take time I guess

Your description of your situation reminded me of me 4 years ago. (except for the thinking about the ex part)

I know you're low. But.

1. Look after yourself. Eat properly. That will lessen the lows. Eat crap and you'll feel crap.

2. Don't let her take advantage of your feelings for her. You have rights to see the kids. Fight for them or lose them.

3. Same as above but regarding money. Once she's figured out what she can get out of you she'll be chasing every penny.

I may sound bitter (towards my ex) and that's because I am.

But be aware of what rights you have. Don't just wallow in self pity.

I cried. A lot. Thought about death. A lot. Had the rope in my hands once near the start.

You can't kill yourself. Your kids need you.

When it's over and done they'll enjoy holidays with you and coming to your place where you can spoil them.

Tinder and pof aren't great. Maybe if you live in a city. But get out there. Use a meet up site or something. The moment you meet someone new you'll forget about her.

I will admit that I've had a few dreams lately about / involving the ex. Nothing sexual but she was just there. I have no (good) feelings for her. They're just flashbacks of a previous life.

(for context. Also 40. Male)

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read and also to reply. Thinking about the ex I think is down to the fact that she ended the relationship as up to that point everything seemed fine - but I know that’s my issue that needs dealing with and part of posting on here is to just get it out of my head and I guess that will get better with time. The kids are what’s keeping me going and making sure I stick around as I lost my mum when I was younger so know how it could affect them so won’t put them in the position.

Tinder and pof were just a distraction for me and was using them for the wrong reasons so that’s why I binned them off(as just not the right time)

I shall certainly bear those 3 points in mind as obvious as they seem thank you for re-focusing my attention on them.

Your're welcome.

One thing I meant to mention.. before I was married I had hobbies and interests. Throughout the relationship those faded into the background and I didn't get time for them or myself. I found that after it ended I was able to pick up 1 or two of my old hobbies and have got a lot of enjoyment from them.

Is there anything you used to do that you could do again? Sports / games etc.

If you can immerse yourself in that. Learn more about it, get better and better. Maybe itll lead you to the next phase of your life.

Thank you again. I am currently waiting for a start date for a new job that I’m looking forward to getting going which I know will help but throwing myself into something else in the mean time could be the distraction I need so will defo look into that

I have been divorced 8 years. I understand how you feel. The first guy I dated for a few months I cried he said he understood he thought about throwing himself off a bridge in his divorce. I think it’s very painful and you feel lost and sad and older and alone. It’s a big change. So I’m saying this to say it’s not abnormal to go through this as the heartbreak can be pretty jarring and fear.

I agree just try to find stability and routine and build slowly. And dating is ok if it’s just to get used to meeting other people dating. Joining things does help as its stability routine & you get to know people if you don’t join something else. The gym is helpful too. You seem very sincere and caring. That will be a gift to the right person you meet in time. I find if I’m lonely a coffee shop is nice or a meal out by myself so many people do nowadays and maybe if doable a loving pet goes far.

Smudge2522 profile image
Smudge2522 in reply to guitara69

Hi guitara69 thank you for taking the time to reply. The heartbreak is the one thing that has hurt the most as it felt like an actual physical pain which I’ve not felt before (and still do ) but guess that’s the grieving process?

Stability and routine are things I will try to find and the dating side of things I know I’m going to have to try again at some point but I don’t want to hurt anybody if I’m not ready for that so I’ve tried being open and honest as much as I can be, but the flip side of that is I don’t know if I can ever open myself up to getting that close to someone again as don’t want to feel this pain again but you’re right if the right girl does come along maybe I’ll feel different but I think I also need to try and focus on me and sort my headspace out. But I like the idea of meals out alone that’s something I think I will try thank you

guitara69 profile image
guitara69 in reply to Smudge2522

Yes that’s exactly how I felt but I kinda attached myself to someone at first because my heart was so broken. Stupid got my butt handed to me. I unfortunately was in a few accidents so my life has been slow. You’re right in the fact you’re not ready but sometimes you can make friends. Do you have meetup? There’s different things on there and often lame but there are some things on there even meetups for divorced dinners out depending on your area and groups. There are hikes if you keep watching different things come up.

I like dining out by myself I’ve met people at whole foods even it’s chance or a pub like place. There’s so many single people your age now you’re not alone. You have to consider it your job to set routines and try to make friends I’m guessing you have friends?

My friend recently travelled to Thailand and Europe he said there was so many single people traveling in Thailand & used to tinder to meet people he super enjoyed it he was grieving too. I sometimes in summer jump on my bike take my backpack and make a lunch and go on adventures by myself I have lots of places to do that where I live. I know a lot of people do that they drive somewhere go for walks hit cafes have lunch different places.

Hi guitara69. I know I don’t like being alone and also know how quickly I have the potential to “fall for someone” - I moved in and was engaged (to my now ex wife - before the current ex) within 6months if meeting her and that ended up well 🤦‍♂️ ( but have 2 beautiful kids as a result of that relationship so not all bad) but with the current ex I did take thing a little slower but we still moved in together in what must have been about 10months (but again have a beautiful little boy so not all bad from that either) - like you mentioned i don’t want to get attached to the wrong person and I just wonder whether there is such a thing as being too honest with a woman if I start dating as to how slow I’m really looking to take things????

I do have friends and it’s taken this to make me realise how gooda friends they actually are so am thankful for that- for me it’s just the mind demons and mind games I seem to play with myself that are as challenging as the heartbreak - but I need to confront those both head on and be open with my friends about where my head is at as bottling these feelings up is no longer an option as I’ve seen where that can lead me.

Meet-up isn’t something I had heard about before but I’ve just downloaded the app so will check that out.

Thank you again for replying I really appreciate your advice and kind words x

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