STRUGGLE STRUGGLE STRUGGLE

I'm bloody struggling.. I feel this horrible rage, and I usually end up taking it out on myself. I wish I lived higher up

than just the 1st floor, I already feel like running head first towards it (the window) and diving straight through it, but all

that would achieve is a sore heid, as the housing has just put double glazing in.

Would I be any higher up I'd open it and dive through it though.

I just don't have the energy anymore to fight this daily fight, and being a miserable depressive moaning waste of

space.

I want to die, well you know, that 'wanting to die' one, where you just don't want to be here anymore coz it's

all too much..

If I really wanted to die I suppose I would've done it by now.. Or would I?

Coz it's not anywhere near as easy as it sounds, suicide... It's bloody hard. To find the right method, one

that's definitely gonna work (not like any of my countless previous failed ones), and then finding the

courage to go through with it and knowing the hurt and pain you leave behind..

I just don't wanna struggle anymore. :(

49 Replies

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  • Hello

    What has brought this on ??

    BOB

  • I dunno ,I just feel like this a lot, so frustrated and angry as if I'm gonna explode..

    It's f****n awful but I can't help it and don't know how to hget rid of it...

    Holly xx

  • Holly I have so much respect for you. You always try and look at the situation sensibly and methodically. I'm so sorry that this is happening for you just now. I'm sure I am just one of many people here who are glad you don't live higher than the first floor. Who can help you Holly? Is there someone you can get an emergency appointment with tomorrow? Come and stay in Wales with me for a few days, you'd be more than welcome :)

  • Aw thanks Lucy..

    I would hardly say I'm looking at the situation sensibly wanting to dive out the window though lol

    Awk, no emergency appointments here.. First of all it's Scotland we're talking about, and second I'm a junky,read; 2nd class citizen..

    I just feel like smashing something up and feeling really violent.. Frustrated and angry.

    I can't live like this anymore, I do whatever they tell me, go to day-programs, psychiatrists, psychologists, but nothing changes..

    If anything it just gets worse..

    Sorry for being so negative a just had to get it out... Thanks for always being there with

    a loving and caring reply Lucy, yer a wee diamond :)

    Love Holly Xxx

  • Don't ever say you're a second class citizen. You are a good person and you deserve any help that you want or need.

  • Thanks hun, unfortunately that's just the way society is.. Xxx

  • A few years ago I realised when I was listening to some music after getting really upset and quite angry after a set of therapy sessions where I just could not gel with the therapist - that I was actually finding the the music I was listening - a stormy piece of dvorak - was actually allowing me to leave the anger behind - it was like the music was expressing and feeling all the anger so I didn't have to anymore. May be there is something loud and violent that you could listen to on headphones that might have the same effect.

    Really hope you manage to find some way of turning the safety valve on the anger before it starts to turn in on you.

  • Thanks Gambit, that's good advice..

    I need to go to the chemist, it's freezing, raining, but I'll put my headphones on and go for a brisk

    stampede (you probably couldn't call it a walk lol)

    I know where part of this is coming from, half of it is coz this bloody depression just won't shift, but the other part is the anger and frustration at myself that I just can't get off these f-in drugs, it makes me feel weak, a let-down, a failure,and a lot more..

    I better go before I do smash their low quality shitty double glazed windows (I still get grit and all

    sorts from outside on my windowledges ;))

    Thanks gambit, hope you're ok..

    Luv HollyHatesEverything Xxx

  • Years ago when I was at college I drew the short straw of trying to keep one of the resident alcoholics out of the bar for long enough to prevent alcohol poisoning. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and probably ever will do. Addiction isn't a problem of willpower - it's a physical problem - hope you realise that. Do you have a support group you can go to? Willpower only comes to play when you really manage to get clean and then you need so much support to stay away from the stuff - whatever your poison is. If you are living somewhere where it's available easily then it's nigh on impossible.

    I have a bit of an obsessive personality at times but guess I'm lucky in the substance abuse stakes as there always seems to be something in my brain that just goes 'that's enough!' and I stop.

    Beating addiction is really hard.

  • You're so right, it's physical, and also psychological in a big way (all the little rituals, and all the things I have been doing day in day out my entire adult life are SO hard to break), but stopping on willpower alone is near enough impossible..

    Glasgow's not the best way for staying away from drugs, it's literally everywhere, every scheme, every street, every town, but it is possible to stay clean.

    I got clean in rehab a few year ago, for the first time in my life, but relapsed after nearly a year (6month in rehab and 5and a half months outside I lasted).

    Then I had 1 hit, and that was me, hooked again, I'd set off the obsession.

    And I beat myself up something stupid about it, I suppose I still do, but I keep trying,and hopefully will get there again sooner rather than later.

    That's not only lucky how you're able to tell yourself you've had enough, it's a

    really strong quality that not many people have..

    And so what if you're a bit obsessive about some things, as long as it doesn't affect

    your life in a negative way it doesn't matter..

    I always wished I was addicted to cleaning or something, something usefull anyway.

    Love Holly xxx

  • PS Thankgod we can't get guns over here, I'd probably be out on a killingspree right now before turning it on myself..

  • Hi Holly

    I am sorry you are feeling so bad - I know that feeling, of wanting to drive into the nearest brick wall or jump off a bridge so life will stop being so painful. I guess you are frustration and rage because you want someone to offer the rehab you need and support you to stay off drugs and I guess you are also angry with yourself for not being able to do what you need to by yourself. It's a viscous circle, wanting someone to help then finding they don't, then trying to do it alone but finding you can't manage that I felt pretty much the same way on and off for years, though not in relation to drugs. I wish I could help you, but I can't, so all I can do is say let it out whenever you can and I care, though it isn't much. I imagine you feel rage about how you managed to 'f' up so much of your life by turning to drugs when you found things hard, but beating yourself up about it doesn't help anyone so try to love yourself a bit more when you can because you are very loveable and do not deserve to find things so hard. Did you get a teddy?

    Suexxx

  • Thanks Sue,

    And don't say it's not much, you've helped me more than you'll ever know and still are!

    Still not got a teddy, but I still live in my x-mas pressie ;), it's even better than a teddy!

    I know it's got a lot to do with the drugs-side of things, but it's also just the frustration of nothing

    ever getting better and just rage coming out of no-where..

    According to my mum I had terrible-two's lol, I had the most ridiculous tantrums for a two year-old

    she'd ever seen, she'd put me in the toilet, coz that was the only place I couldn't thrash anything,

    and in my rage I didn't even realise the door wasn't even locked and I could've walked out any time

    I wanted lol, which I did once I'd calmed down..

    That's exactly how I felt this afternoon, but I feel a bit better now, thanks to getting it out

    on here, and thanks to everybody's kind words and Gambit's good advice :)

    How are you Sue? Hope you're ok, enjoy the rest of your night and speak soon!

    Lotsa love, Holly xxx

  • Hi Holly

    Oh, that's so sad to put a child in the toilet - I know your mum did her best, but what you needed was someone to hold you through your rage until it subsided and for them not to be overwhelmed by it. Being left to cope with those feelings on your own must have (at least unconsciously) left you feeling the rage was too destructive for anyone to deal with and also left you feeling you had to cope alone, which of course you couldn't because you were only a wee child. Maybe now you need to rage and know people will not leave you to cope alone, that might help you! Beating the habit is another matter - it's a bit like me beating the habit of eating sweet things only probably many times worse, but I think you will do it once it feels right for you.

    I'm fine, my daughter and her partner were here and we had a lovely time with them, tomorrow they come back late in the evening from London. My son and his wife have arrived and are staying with their Dad but also arriving tomorrow which will be great. I'm emotionally a lot better right now, but physically have been feeling off colour for weeks or maybe even months. My GP is doing blood tests.

    Speak soon, Love to you too. Suexxx

  • Aw I was laughing about my mum putting me in the toilet there, she'd tried everything else first I'm sure, and then out of sheer desperation flung me in the loo, where I'd vent my anger for 5 or 10 minutes and once I'd calmed down I'd just come walking out as if nothing ever happened lol, I suppose it does sound a bit cruel, but it honestly wasn't, the door wasn't even locked, I could've walked out any time only I was so busy with my tantrum I didn't even think of trying the door lol

    I'm glad you're having a nice time with your daughter, I remember you were telling me she was coming last week, and your son too, so that 'll lift your spirit a bit for sure!

    I hope they find out what's wrong with you when they take bloodtests, coz not feeling right doesn't do your mental health any good either..

    Enjoy the rest of your time with your family! :)

    Speak soon Sue,

    Lotsa luv, Holly Xxx

  • Are you in touch with a drug rehab team

  • Holly have sent you Mail. That kind of anger and rage is very hard on you,

    Don't turn it on yourself, you are never moaning and are always upbeat .

    It's bloody frustrating that you are going to that Day Programme and doing

    What you can. You need care as you are worn out. You deserve that just

    As much as anyone else, and I know you feel you get labelled because

    Of your addiction. I often feel like this when I go to my GP, I feel the Receptionist

    Is saying ' oh there's that Depressed Hannah one again ' in fact the Receptionist

    Is always very nice to me. Lol,

    Hugs

    Hannah x

  • Lol, I know what you mean, but at least being depressed is socially acceptable, being a drugaddict

    isn't, double whammy lol.

    I seen I got a message from you but then I couldn't find it, but I can see I've got a message

    up at the wee envelope so that'll be it, they're just a bit slow on this site ;)

    Luv ya Hannah,

    holly xx

  • Hello Holly

    When you get back in have a nice hot bath or shower and a warm, milky drink

    All the best

    BOB

  • Aw thanks Bob, I've calmed down a bit and sitting with a cuppa..

    Hope you're ok!

    Lotsa love, Holly Xx

  • Our South East Alternatives community rehabilitation programme has spaces available, based in the Gorbals. For info t.co/7BjwRMzayi 05:42:43 PM January 17, 2014 from HootSuite

    Holly just saw this on the Turning Point web. It would be great if you could get in

    Anywhere.

    Talk soon

    Hannah xx

  • Lol no way Hannah, that's the dayprogram I've been going to for the past year!!

    what are the odds of that eh!

    It's residential rehab I'd really want, but it's just not there for me.. They call those day-programs

    'Community Rehabs', because it is a kind of rehab, only it's out in the community, so you go home at the end of the day. Well after the two hours it lasts ;)

    That's so funny, how you ended up finding the exact place I go to!

    They've got spaces because they've just done a 'sweep', it's got 3 phases, and a lot of

    people in phase two were coming in pure wasted and full of it, so they sent them all packing, but

    if they don't get any service users they don't get any money either, and they still have to pay to run the place!

    I'll go and read you're pm, I'lll have nothing to tell ye now coz I've just told ye everything lol

    Hope you're ok!

    love always, holly Xxx

  • Holly that is so funny, I was just trying to put myself I

    Your place, but I get you it's not residential. Did you get to the chemist? Hope you feel a wee bit better even

    Hannah xx

  • Yeah I went, and I do feel a bit better.. That's mad though, coz there's at least

    7 or 8 different 'community rehabs' in Glasgow, and that just happens to be the one I go to!!

    Xxx

  • Holly 3 months ago I felt exact same, days I'd be crying all day other days felt angry n wanted to scream for no reason. It got to point I bought whole load of painkillers, I hated myself for even thinking that. My only other choice was go doctor n tell her how I felt, which didn't like thought off bt once I spoke to her was like weight was lifted of shoulders n took each day as it came am feeling better than what I was. Holly you have took the first step asking for help, you should make an appointment with your doctor for tomorrow, best thing I done x

  • Hi Drimnacarry,

    that's exactly how I feel, one minute I'm raging, then I'm crying, but not out of sadness, more out of sheer and utter despair..

    Horrible isn't it.

    My doctor knows, my psychiatrist knows, but they just don't seem to care.. I was even considering

    to get lifted by the police today so that at least I couldn't hurt myself or anyone else if I was locked up

    for the night, but then I remembered how bloody cold those cells are and thought, nah.. lol

    I will say to my psychologist next time I see him, coz he just kinda glosses it over, almost ignores it

    when I say how close I sometimes come to doing myself in..

    Maybe they're those kinda people that think if a person says they're thinking about suicide, they

    won't do it, if that's ridiculous since they're professionals and should know better!

    Luv Holly Xxx

  • Holly I hope your ok!!! :-(

    Don't despair, it will all be ok one day you just have to wait for the sun to shine and when it does you'll be so glad you didn't do anything to yourself. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself, these feelings won't go away overnight but when you finally shake them off you will fall in love with the world!! Just wanted to let you know that im thinking of you and sending a big hug your way!!! Xxxxx

  • Thank you Keyleigh :) Hug received and one on it's way to you! Xxx

  • Like gambit I use music a lot, both to express my moods and to change them too. My house is hardly ever silent, i have the radio on a lot of the time, it does help to cover over my thoughts when they get too obsessive.

    Anger is one thing that i find difficult to control, it spirals and spirals, took a very long session at the gym this evening to get me back to what passes for normal, hope the rest of the week isn't going to need as much energy to stay in control.

    I'm sure you have had lots of expert advise on getting off drugs. I am only able to change bad habits slowly, and i'm a bit like that frog in the well who hops up six bricks, and slithers down four, I can only change slowly, and I don't expect myself to improve in a hurry, I do still have to stop myself getting mad at myself for not always being onwards and upwards..

  • Yeah music is definitely good for the soul! I did feel better when I went for my walk with my headphones, music and exercise, it's a proven thing isn't it.. Produces is it dopamine? Natural endorphins? I know it helps anyway..

    In theory I've got a lot of knowledge and advice on getting off drugs, but in practice it's a different story!!

    It's just bloody hard, and even harder when you try and do it yourself.. you need support and people

    who can help you in one way or another, coz willpower alone is not enough..

    My problem is I have no patience, I want it yesterday, so I try and do it too fast, make myself suffer

    more than necessary, and fail..

    You take it easy gardengnome, taking it slowly is in most cases the best way!!

    Love n hugs, Holly xxx

  • Oh I I remember feeling like that for years, you have to go back to the gp, the drugs your on just isnt enough. How your feeling is an indication that something isnt working. So go back to gp be honest about how you have been feeling. Make urgent appointment.

    I know what your says sooo much, but just hold on, with the knowledge in your head, this isnt like you, your ill and you need help.

    take care

    Linda,,,,,,, it might help too to talk to someone, to get those feelings out, or write them down...

  • Unfortunately my GP is the most unsympathetic human-being I've ever came across, he only takes

    on addicts because he gets paid a LOT for writing out methadone scripts.

    But after my relapse and my refusal to go back on methadone I got sent packing, back to the community addiction team who are just as useless..

    It's also not my doctor who prescribes my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, it's my psychiatrist,

    who keeps moving my appointments, I haven't seen her for 4 months, next appt. is on the 12th of

    Feb..

    They're also all very good on blaming everything on my drugaddiction, but I started selfharming,

    hearing voices and attempted suicide for the first time long before I was hopelessly addicted to

    heroin..

    I do write things down, and it does help a bit sometimes, but these feelings of rage and complete

    and utter despair are almost unbearable, it makes me want to rip my head off just to get away

    from it..

    How are you Coatpin? Hope you're ok, good to hear from you and thanks for your advice and identification :)

    Love Holly Xxx

  • Hi Holly I am so sorry you are feeling like this, I can't relate to drug addiction but I can relate to the anger, depression and frustration you feel as I feel this almost every day. I hope you start to feel better and please go and see your GP. Have you got anyone at home you can talk to in person? If not just let it all out on here as we are all here to help in any way we can. Take care of yourself Holly. Love darkangel xx

  • Thanks angel, no I don't really have anyone I can talk to, I so wish I had.. Someone that understands.. Just as well this forum is here, at least I can talk to yous and I know people on here

    understand and have the same feelings..

    How did you get on on Wednesday? Did you enjoy it? Hope you did and you'll go back!!

    Lotsa love, Holly Xxx

  • Just keep talking on here everyone helps each other, the self esteem group was very stressful speaking in front of everyone but I am sure it will be a bit easier next week. love darkangel xx

  • Ow that would've been stressful! But you went and you done it, and like you say it will get easier the more you do it.. Bet ye felt good after having done it though?

    Hope you enjoyed it too, even if it was stressful..

    Love Holly Xxx

  • I was that stressed out that I didn't get to enjoy it at all, but I am not giving up and I will be going next Wednesday as I know that in the long run it will benefit me. love darkangel xx

  • Good on ye! Don't give up, like you say it will benefit you in the long run, respect girl ;)

    Love Holly xx

  • Thanks Holly xx

  • There are always people on here you can talk to holly. I

    Iove chatting to you x

  • I know Lucy, and it's good to be back :)

    And this site wouldn't be the same without you, you've got a talent for making people laugh or at least smile,

    You brightn this place up!

    Love ya, Holly xxx

  • hi holly,

    surprisingly we dont live in a perfect world.

    He gets paid for seeing you!,,, like any service if your not happy with it, change!!!

    ie if you dont like a solicitor your seeing , he gets paid by the hour, you change him and his attitude, because your paying!

    honey, are you really hearing voices or is it your sub contious sorry, I have had a drink. Yes my world isnt perfect either, I dont usually drink, didnt on xmas, but fuck it. lol

    I went training for many years to be a counsellor to help in the right way.. but because I dont tick the right boxes, I cant get registered. Sod them I say.

    So what Im saying is, only you can change things!. I did wonder what sort of family life you had?. mine was shit too. lol, but I thought with what I have experienced I could help others. So writing things might help others and in time, might help you to see, it does get better in time.

    how ever lost or hurt or wanting to end it all, this pain isnt forever, and it is the emotional pain that hurts the most. Thats what counsellors try to get too. Because when you have delt with the pain, it dont hurt anymore.

    It took more than 20 years but I have felt I have been given a second chance, in life that is. look around you, enjoy the little things, do what makes you happy. x And for gods sake Change your Doctor!!! for being crap!!! vote with your feet!!!

    take care and keep trying!!!

  • Hi Coatpin,

    yeah I should change my GP, I nearly did last year, but it's a practice so there's more than one doctor, and for a while there was a locum there and she was really good!

    She done more for me than that doctor who's officially my doctor had in 10 years!

    Unfortunately she's away again now, so I will have to change my GP at least, as for my psychologist

    and my drugworker, it's a bit harder as they're so overworked and there just aren't enough of them,

    so you just get told there's no-one else available at the moment, I've already tried a few times.

    My psychiatrist I've only seen 3 times coz she keeps putting appointments off by a month, and when I

    see her she's always in a hurry..

    The services are just crap up here..

    Its good to hear you're doing so well, it gives people (well, me anyway) hope that there is light

    at the end of the tunnel!

    So thanks for your encouraging post, especially the uplifting last bit, and you're right, fuck it,

    enjoy your drink! :)

    Love, Holly Xxx

  • Holly, I know what you mean about considering suicide but weighing up the people you'll hurt by leaving the behind and the constant struggle you have to go through daily. My boyfriend says it would be incredibly selfish of me to commit suicide - I guess it would a bit, in a way. But I often feel like people don't understand exactly what I'm going through. Plus I can never really comprehend how I would be being selfish - because I feel worthless and unimportant anyway - like I'd be a burden off everyone's shoulders. Anyway Holly, please hang in there. I'd ask if you have anyone supportive around you, but I find that's of little help to me because they don't understand. Have you been to the doctors? Do you have anyone your age also suffering from depression? I do, and talking to them about it makes me feel a lot less lonely. I know you don't want to struggle anymore, but there are alternatives, like anti-depressants and counselling - I find particularly the counselling is good as it really helps to have someone to talk to. I'm always here :) Hope things have picked up for you and you've started seeking out the help you need. It can take a while to get into the right place with tablets and counselling, but it's definitely worth it. Love and hugs xxxx

  • And I often feel like a second class citizen because I do absolutely nothing with my day, ever. And I do drink a lot of alcohol. But you're an amazing person, just like everybody else on here :) I hope you get the confidence to seek out the help you deserve, it sounds like you're going though hell xxxx

  • Thanks Sapphire, and I know it's a selfish thing to do, and the only thing that's stopped me many times is

    the thought of how devastated my mum (and the rest of my family and loved ones) would be..

    I talk to my mum every night on facebook at 7pm as she lives in Amsterdam, so need to shoot, but thanks

    for your understanding and I'll come back in a wee while :)

    Love Holly! Xxx

  • Hi I'm back again, I talk to my mum every night at 7pm on facebook, which kinda helps because it does and has stopped me from killing myself a few times..

    I read something somewhere that rang very true; 'By committing suicide all you're doing is transferring your pain and suffering onto the people you leave behind'

    Which is the people who care most about you, and I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone, especially not my family and loved-ones! But sometimes it just gets too much and even that isn't enough to stop me, fortunately none

    of my attempts have been successful (obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this ;) ), and hopefully there

    won't be a next one..

    I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and I'm on medication, so hopefully things'll get better at some

    point..

    I'm in the middle of changing medication and I think that's what's been causing me to have a bit of a

    tough time lately, as it kinda started to go downhill when they weaned me off one thing and started me on two other things and I know it all takes time to get out of your system and for things to build up in your system and

    start working, so here's hoping things'll improve asap..

    Sorry for going on about me this whole post lol, I'm not usually like this. I think it's time I gave myself a kick up the arse and start a new day tomorrow.

    Thanks again for your support Sapphire, I hope you're ok and having a good night..:) Lotsa love, Holly Xxx

  • Why not find out the name of the doctor, by taking to the receptionist and asking where does she work, or do a search on the internet ?

    Your right, about coming off one and trying the next.

  • I think she moved to a practice in another area, which wouldn't take me on.. There is another practice in my area, I could see if I could move to there..

    Holly Xx

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