Sometimes - no, make that most of the time - life sucks.
I've now decided I'm an onion instead of a shallot (I used to think I was a shallot because I had so many damn layers which have either been or are being painstakingly dealt with.)
But now I've come to the conclusion I'm a great big, fat, bulbous yellow onion because I keep discovering fresh layers - well, not entirely 'fresh' . . .they've been festering away under the surface since I was tiny, (oh, and they make me cry just as hard as the ones I already knew were there.)
But WHY! Why do I keep discovering new, painful layers to my already ridiculously complicated self. For what reason - isn't there already enough to deal with?
My new layer is an inextricable fear of death - not my own - my parents. I'm a young 44 but feel that because I screwed them around so much as a kid I WANT to be there as far as possible for them now. And they're old - both in their 80s - and I'm blessed that they're both in good health.
But when I leave them (we live about 200 miles apart) I grieve - I can't help it. I deTEST leaving them, for my time with them is the only real time I feel safe...calm....protected....loved....valued.....respected.....the list goes on. They still treat me like their little girl and I crave it. Life at the moment is everything NOT on that list - fearful, chaotic, lonely, self-loathsome, lost........so my time with them gives me somes semblance of everything's-ok-ness
That happened today. When I returned home to my dismal, pokey excuse for a flat I was bereft. A huge, ghastly pang of emptiness almost winded me......I was too depressed to even unpack.
I fear losing them because I don't feel like I've had enough time with them - I want them in my life forever so that one day I can finally show them I'm ok. I treasure every minute I have with them and show gratitude every day for the fact they are still here.
But I still have that fear.
Anyway, here I am. In bed, writing down my thoughts. I will now go and call in my cat (my significant other) inside and try to get some sleep.
Tomorrow I may explose another layer.......who knows.