End of the line.

All my life I've done everything perfectly as to not be a burden to anyone. I was always sensitive like that. Too sensitive. My dad taped his porn recordings over my kiddy movies. How lovely. Discovering how disgusting the world is at the simple age of 7. Apparently he abused me when I was a toddler. I hardly remember anything. Just that for the longest time I feared him. Now I pity him. My mums parents had a rocky relatuonship. Guess she ended up keeping the family tradition of marrying an asshole. She died last year. She had cancer for 3 years and I was her caregiver. One could argue I had a fairly mundane childhood. A few beatings here and there. But for the most part I was highly obedient. Until I turned 11. 17 failed suicide attempts that year. I ran away from home only to be found scared out of my mind in the woods nearby. Got dragged back home and was forced to pretend I was alright. Fast forward to my 16th birthday. I end up overdosing on alcohol and painkillers and managed to carve a chess board on my arms. This soon turned into an inside joke between me and my psychotic ex-bestfriend at the time. Once again I dusted off my doll-like facade and continued being the perfect daughter. I did the cleaning, the cooking, got scholarships and awards etc.

Shortly after my mother died I finally decided to go "get help". I went to doctors and psychologists and therapists - the whole lot. I didn't flinch a bit telling them exactly what was wrong. I told them straight off the bat what my problems were. None of them could help. One of them did entertain me though. Whilst debating the meaning of life with this particular psychologist - she somehow managed to admit life was not worth it. By the time she realised what she had uttered her eyes widened and the roles switched. Funny how you go to a therapist to get help but end up being the one supplying help - whether it be emotionally or financially.

So I recently turned 21. I have no relationships with people at all. The therapists argued that my lack of interest in humans stem from years of ongoing sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I already know why I am the way I am. I just wanted to know how to fix myself. They instructed me to do yoga, sing a song, write down my good qaulities and draw a picture of "my inner self". I've come to the conclusion that psychologists are by default useless to my endeavors of finding the purpose of this farce called life.

Maybe someone out there will find what I could not. I wish them the best of luck. For now - I'm just some nobody from a third world country that probably won't amount to much. Xx

[Hidden]

Hi what you have been through is dreadful and I do feel for you. What country are you from? Are you on any meds? You are not a nobody, we are all unique and worthy of love and consideration.

We understand where you are coming from so you are not alone any more. Stay and talk to us and we will help and support you all we can. Please don't do anything silly - give us a chance to talk to you. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

South Africa. I have been on various types of medications - they never work. I used them for the appropriate amount of times - according to most of my research the medications can sometimes make you worse before they make you better. Unfortunately, even after months of taking them - no results. Currently I am on some form of a tranquiliser. It's just a waste of money and resources. Which I don't have. I'm not "worthy" of anything. This world owes me nothing. It's all just a battle to survive - and I've never been one for battles to begin with. I'm too tired of understanding and accepting the world as it is and I am too weak to change it. Unfortunately, I don't believe in a future. Honestly, this planet does not require more humans. I would be doing it a favour - albeit a very trivial, small favour.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

But think about it, every one of us is totally unique. There is no one exactly like you in the Universe - isn't that amazing?

You are very young and you might not believe in a future but the future does believe in you. I went through a terrible time in my 20' and nearly threw in the towel. In the end I decided I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by sorting myself out. I did this virtually without any help. I am mainly glad I did coz I would have missed some interesting times.

Life is often a pile of s...t but unfortunately it's all we have, the only thing that is truly ours. Don't think of it as a battle but a challenge. There is great beauty in the world (as well as all the nastiness). All you have to do is find it. And you will. Perversevere and give yourself every chance to find a life before you chuck it all in. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones. Bev x

[Goldfish_]

How terrible for you, but some people do conquer their past and become stronger as a result. The psychologists try their best but ultimately it comes down to you and whether you can see a future with hope. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Look at your strengths; you are very bright as you got scholarships, you can do things perfectly, you have shown care and compassion to your mother.

How about training as a psychologist or using your experience to be a counsellor. There are plenty of people from third world countries in need of sympathetic understanding. You could help?

If you can find a chink of hope somewhere, you can build upon it. You are young and if you have the strength, you can conquer your past,

Good luck

Dave

[Hidden in reply to Goldfish_]

I am alone. My family have never been "close". Those of them that are have already abandoned my side of the family. As for training to be a psychologist - I can't even help myself - can't imagine helping others. Besides - listening to them would most likely just send me on a negative spiral back to point A. Unfortunately, I have no hope. The only reason I am still alive is because I do as I'm told. But my father finally told me to go kill myself. So in a sense that is my release.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Your father said what? That is awful. Get out from home if you can and away from these awful people. You are not them but your own person with your own life to lead. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I don't really have the motivation to lead anything. I just want to curl up in a ball for a week or two. But the world is fast paced and for every second I waste - I buy myself a months worth of misery. I'm completely burned out. Sure - there is beauty in this world. There is hapiness and laughter and friendship. But I'm greedy and jaded. 5 minutes of hapiness is not worth two months of pain. I can't cling on to little things. They seem rather trivial to me. I didn't really mean to upset anyonr by posting my story. Guess knowing I'm easy to forget - I just wanted to leave a small something behind. Which is kind of stupid. But I'm not really that bright. Xx Thanks for all the support though.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hey I agree with Goldfish. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't have a tiny bit of hope left. Hold on to that hope and nurture it. You are not alone any more you have us. Even though we are only online we care about you and want to help you.

I don't waste my precious time and energy on no hopers you know...so more talk of giving in. Ok? Bev x

[Goldfish_ in reply to Hidden]

But the fact you are posting here indicates you have some hope. Why else do it? Pointless leaving it here otherwise.

You can't be burned out at your age..... Far too young and with future opportunities ahead.

Travel, education, certainly get away from your home and are you taking drugs? I hope not but if so bear in mind they could be distorting your thinking.

You have a future, but just have to work on it. It's there if you want it enough.

Dave

[lin62-65ze]

Please do not say you will not amount to much, how wrong you are. I am amazed you survived such an ordeal, that proves that you are a strong woman. None of us can imagine what you suffered let alone read how you have managed to come through it. Please take a step back and say to yourself that you have hidden talents, you must have been shown some love in your childhood by your Mum, you knew you had to nurse her through her illness, that takes strength and love. I have ever met you but I do feel so strong that you are a wonderful young woman who needs love and support. I am disgusted that the therapist's did not help you but I honestly believe they are a waste of space. You do not say who you live with and if you have any normal relations such as Grandparents, Aunts etc. You need support, if you are alone then please continue to write on this site and I am happy to listen and support you. Life is not easy at the best of times but you have conquered so much. This proves to me that you are stronger than you think you are. The summer is still with us, as you managed to get good qualifications you will eventually get a good job and build a new life for yourself. We will all be here on this site to help and encourage you. I have every faith that you can do it, much love Helen 😊😊

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry to read about your hard life experiences.

Like most of us who are damaged for life,,it does not mean that we can't have a life. It is a case of finding out what you want from life?

You are obviously, an intelligent person who knows their own mind.

Have you thought of travelling?

Please don't close yourself off totally from people as then you really could miss out on a chance of happiness.

I'm a lot older than you and a parent. I still have to see my abuser, my dad, occasionally. I have those feelings of fear,mresentment and anger. I almost go back to the frightened young child I was. I made a decision that for the sake of my children to have grandparents I'd stay in contact. He knew though if he did anything to them that I'd call the police, as I told him.

I can't say that I like seeing him and now my children are adults,mother can see what he is like. They did like seeing their grandparents when they were young though.

We all have to decide what path were going to take in life and try it.

You can change your mind and try many, the world is there for you to find yourself. Why not give it a go?

When your my age and maybe I'll,,like me it could be too late.

Good luck in your search.

Best wishes. 👍😊

[Hidden]

Sorry, my typing not good today lots of errors.

They can see what he's like.

Maybe Ill like me. 😊

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Fibropop you can edit your replies by clicking on the little arrow at the bottom of your post to the right. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi, thanks for the hint 👍😊