Hello lovely people,
I was just recounting and filling in the time I've been away from this site - the absence due to my grandmothers passing - and it was becoming a bit of a novel, recounting the day to day details of the hospital etc so have decided to not post it as it may be triggering for others and I was only on the first day and it was already 2 pages long so and I know this post will all ready be ramblee enough.
So in an attempt to summarize - I had started a job at the Amazon warehouse sorting on Oct 08th - Looking back at my journal the last recorded weigh in I had was on the Thursday 06th at 87.1kg. I had just finished my first week when I had to take my gran into hospital on the 17th October - following non compliance with her antibiotics prescription - for a possible UTI and we were concerned as she was not eating or drinking anything. We spent 3 weeks in hospital and a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least until she passed away on the 6th November. During which time we had been eating out as we stayed by her bedside everyday. I weighed in on the 7th November at 87.2kg. With all the funeral arrangements I had to start doing I weighed in on 10th November at 85.8kg (though that might have been anomaly.
In our Hindu traditions we aren't allowed to cook on the stove until after the funeral so we were at the mercy of visitors and the food they provided and oven ready meals etc. The next time I weighed in was on the 16th - 87.1kg again. Some miracle I was maintaining. I essentially had to do all the funeral arrangements myself as my mother is an only child and had to deal with all the visitors and family and my father had to continue working - for the best as he does not know how to regulate his emotions and is better when he is busy. So the burden of all the arrangements and talking to vendors etc fell on me. My mother also wanted to do the flower arrangements ourselves - as we had done for other friends and family but that translated as me doing them all - so that was a big project a couple all nighters for that. I wanted to do something more for my gran so I designed a few more pieces to go along side the coffin took me quite a bit of time to make them but they were lovely.
I also returned to work for on the Tuesday 22nd and Wednesday 23rd as I had a precooked holiday from the 26th November - December 11th and didn't want them thinking I had left. On the Wednesday we had to do the "8th" day ritual - which is when you make all their favorite foods - so after work I had to grab all her favorite foods and cook some of them. The immediate family came over and we performed that ritual. I don't work Thursday or Friday, and we wanted to spread the ashes before my brother and I left on holiday so on the Thursday 24th I weighed in again at 87.1kg (8am) and then we drove down to Brighton to do that.
Then the Friday was a crazy scramble to shop and pack for the holiday - we were doing self catered so also had to meal plan as best I could. We flew out on the Saturday leaving the house at 3:45am - I tool my scales with me. Weighed in at 86.6kg on 28th November. I was cooking for the first week and a bit as the food where we were staying was ridiculously expensive for what it was. But the end of the second week we had to eat out more. Weighed in on the 6th December at 88kg - was the last time I have weighed in. The holiday was okay hard to fully enjoy and engage in and was just finding myself irritable and annoyed at everything and everyone which in the wake of everything is understandable
We returned on the 11th December leaving sunny Caribbean island for snow - bit of a shock to the system. We managed to land on time 11am but then had to wait 1hr 45mins on the tarmac as there were no gates available to dock at as many flights were grounded due to the snow so the gates were occupied. Finally got home around 3pm. It was my parents wedding anniversary so I had booked my mums fav local Indian restaurant so had to go out for dinner in the snow that night at around 6:30pm ended up getting there around 7pm - with the snow then got home and straight to bed as on the Monday 12th I was back to work for 5am shift.
We had one more event at the temple for my gran - which I had to make a memorial book for my which included speeches and tributes and I wanted to make a timeline of her life and the family tree etc, so had to collate everyones tributes and put that all together during this week. My gran hadn't made any requests of arrangements for her funeral other than telling us she wanted a nice book so I had to do a good job of it then couple being an artist and a perfectionist you can only imagine what I was like.
My printer man wanted it by Thursday lunch at the latest but despite doing multiple all nighters I could only get it to him Friday morning as I was doing it single handedly and my mother was procrastinating writing her tribute. So on the Thursday night was up all night with her ghost writing her tribute. I didn't have a chance to proof read it so there were a few errors across the book which really pissed me off haha. So after picking them up on Saturday morning had to go through all 45 copies and hand tipex correct them all. My grandfather loved photography so was really good with a camera when they were younger. So I went through his 35mm slides and got some digitalized which was nice to see - hadn't seen any of these photos before. But the book came out really nicely and got many compliments and I'm sure as usual I have started new trends through the community - an uncle really liked the timeline. But to my artist eye there are some formatting issues I would like to fix before i have to get the second run of prints to send abroad done. Then the actual event was on 18th December followed by the world cup final.
Then this last week has been full on at work and obviously Christmas so I have been doing the food shopping and cooking and Christmas. Yesterday I made a Christmas roast decided to do a rack of lamb and a chicken rather than a turkey with all the trimmings and we watched Top Gun:Maverick with my mum which she enjoyed. My brother and I had already seen it in the cinema but it was good. And well today is today.
Wow take a deep breath haha.
Suffice to say I feel like I have been on a treadmill since the 8th October till today and its all a big blur but also I can remember ever minutia which is a bizarre state to be in. This is genuinely the first day I have been able to even stop and process and compile my thoughts - which being the over thinker I am has been a lot to carry. I know many others on here have suffered losses as well this year during this time and I'm sorry I haven't been around to offer support to them as well. I'm just a message away if anyone needs.
I'm just waiting till 8:30am to bite the bullet and weigh in and take my measurements and from today try to get back onto my IF routine that I was on before everything got a little understandably derailed and I have booked myself a massage on the 29th to just put a full stop on all this and this year and hopefully feel slightly refreshed for the new year.
For anyone still reading haha I had been officially diagnosed with PCOS in 2018 and haven't had my period regularly for my whole life tbh - looking back due to a tremendous amount of chronic stress my body has undergone along with hormonal imbalances etc etc long long story - so on top of all the chaos- because why not - i've been getting my period more regularly since September so feel like I'm battling readjusting to that as well. Fun times. This all compounded by my own struggles with my mental health alongside a bat crap crazy dysfunctional family - whom I carry. Sometimes I do wonder whether I am being tested to see at what limit it would take to just crack and break... I feel most people would have broken a very long time ago if under the same level of duress I deal with. What most people got a snippet of during the pandemic and its lingering effects today I have been dealing on some level or another to an extreme my entire life. Only really seeing know how I have been in a state of chronic stress for as long as I can remember its kinda crazy to think about actually or what my life could have been life if there was a level of normalcy to it or maybe best not to tbh...
Anyway drum roll please so I started this year at 108.2kg and today I weigh in at 88.3kg (8:30am) all I was praying for is to still be under 90kg and hopefully by the end of this week if I can get back down a little under 88kg which would make me happier and mean I had really only gained around 1kg during this whole 1//4 of a year with everything going on - which as I write that and thinking how I've eaten is crazy and no small miracle.
I find it SOOOOOOOO hard to be proud or be happy with anything I achieve and am never really satisfied. I just really wanted to be out of the obesity category this year (84.6kg) and I would have been if this all hadn't happened so I can't help but feeling disappointed in myself for not reaching that - even though I can mentally fully understand that with everything I had going on it would have been too much for me. And I know it will come soon enough but I am happy its not over 90kg - i do feel bloated though so i'm not sure what that is about... i guess its the carbs I've been having. From today I am going to try my hardest to get back on track with my IF, no sugar and low carb again and see if I can shift that little bit ready for the new year.
2023 I WILL reach my maintenance weight I swear.
So this week I really need to get the whole house deep deep deep cleaned as its a bit of a state with everything and hopefully regain some structure now that life isn't orientated around my grandmother, the kitchen needs a huge rearrangements as we had to hide a lot of things she would slope of with - and we have the big task of sorting through her room and stuff - which might not get done before the new year - there will be a lot of adjustment to be made, and no one can use her as an excuse anymore - though my mothers health has taken a huge hit these last 5 years so next on the list is sorting her out.... oy vey. I also want to go through my entire wardrobe and donate the clothes I no longer want for the new year. Back to work Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday so have lots to still get done before the bell hits 12am haha
Anyway thank you for letting me ramble, if anyone made it to the end of this post you deserve a pat on the back and a big hug from me hahah thank you very much its really helped clear my head and ground me a little to get this all out.
Looking forward to being around more again and getting us all to our goals this coming year. Slowly feel like I can see a wee bit of light at the end of this tunnel.