I wasn't sure whether to post this, I hope it's ok here. I've always appreciated your kind words.
In the last year I have been unwell with an underactive thyroid and chronic fatigue. With it my anxiety returned. I started with anxiety and agoraphobia in 2013 after my brother attacked me and I lost my grandmother suddenly. My family cut me off as I refused to ever forgive my brother and let him back in my life as it was a dangerous risk to my children. I overcame the anxiety then last year became very fatigued and weak, then my anxiety returned.
Last September having yet more blood tests (GP ignored my TSH was 5.35 and kept dragging me in for more bloods) I had a panic attack in the nurses room. I wasn't well that day with crippling fatigue, I was kept waiting 45 minutes and by the time I got in there I had a huge panic attack as she pulled the needle out I went all hot in my face and it triggered a panic attack. I have had agoraphobia before and that need to flee and run to my safe place, it hit when i was in the room but everytime I sat up to leave I went all dizzy, hot, shaking, couldn't feel my arm and I freaked out I'd faint. I was sobbing and couldn't leave. The nurse hugged me and eventually she helped me stand up and she walked me to the main doors holding me. I was mortified and since then can't do appointments, I've avoided them.
In December my health was taking a nose dive, my GP came to the house and wanted to run bloods. I let him, I panicked a bit, my face went hot and I was crying but he helped me through it. Since then I have avoided appointments and blood tests. I have gone into this little bubble of self protection and cut the world out. I was so ill with chronic fatigue and weakness, I felt so ill I just cut the world out and spoke to my GP over the phone. It's like I went into denial I was ill and for the last year have just tried to cope with this level of fatigue and illness myself.
In August my GP came out to see me, my fatigue had suddenly worsened and he came to give me a full check up. He said I needed to increase my thyroxine and he wanted to run a set of bloods on me. It's 5 tubes worth and he is testing for lupus, arthritis, EBV, iron, full bloods, liver, kidneys, diabetes etc... I have put the test off for the last 7 weeks terrified to do it, one because I expect the nurses room experience to happen again and I just didn't want to open a can of worms. I haven't felt well with my fatigue recently and I am terrified it will show something else is wrong with me and it's taken me a long time to get to where I am now which is mentally a little less anxious and I am getting out more again.
There was always an inner voice in me that made me want the reassurance I was well, and nothing stopped me having the tests, but I never used to panic at my blood tests. I used to also feel this inner voice to do anything for my children as I couldn't face leaving them. Even that has gone and I fear if I ever found a lump or something I'd not get it checked. That upsets me the most about this, I have lost that instinct to take care of myself for my children. My husband says that's not true as I have been taking care of myself all year, having therapy for the anxiety that's returned, eat well, do yoga, meditate and take my medication for my thyroid.
So I have booked the blood test for Friday, my GP told my husband he would come to the house so i am more comfortable and can lie down. He said he completely understands my fear and it's fine he is doing a home visit. He will be here about 1pm. My mind for weeks has played the movie in my head of me having a panic attack or fainting. I am terrified of it. If i faint it will open a huge can of worms for me as it's been my fear all year just day to day walking around, due to how fatigued I've been. My GP last time made me lie flat and told me I'd be fine lying down which reassured me. I never used to fear fainting, it's all from the nurses room panic last year where I went so hot and dizzy I felt I'd faint, but I didn't, she said it was a big panic attack.
I rarely get full on panic attacks so I am not sure how to cope with it. For me as soon as my face goes red and hot that is when panic hits. How can I learn to be ok with that red hot face feeling and not let panic wash over me? I am terrified I will make a fool of myself like I did last year infront of the nurse. Also how can i think more positive about tomorrow? I keep getting upset and feeling sick with dread. I don't want to cancel it, I know to come out of this little self protection bubble I've made for myself the last 10 months has to be broken, I have to come back into real life and face I need tests, face in life I will need to do things like this, I am human after all. I also need to know that the thyroid is just what's causing me to feel so drained and fatigued while it's adjusting to the appropriate dose of medication (TSH was 9.28 FT4 15 in May and I went on 25mg thyroxine. Been on 50mg about 8 weeks now) If I don't have the bloods done it's constantly hanging over me that I need them (December bloods were all ok other than thyroid. He did a full sweep then other than the lupus etc) but I also am terrified of doing it. I never used to be like this but this last year it has hit me since the nurses room and being unwell with my thyroid. I just wish my inner fighting spirit would return who would do anything for my kids sake if not for my own.
Any advice apprecaited.
I have been so upset today so far.