So I guess here I go......

[american_army_guy]

So since I met you all, I been a wreck.....

Quit smoking because of panic attacks, plus I wanted to quit.....

So many may wonder what has me in such a mess.....  I guess I can share better with you all than my own family...

My doctor wants me to write about it more so here it goes......

I was a soldier, I'm only 30 But feel 60.....  I look back on my 20s like where did they go......  I did deployments, I lost friends.....  YN2 Cook aka "cookie" he was navy, lost Sgt. Ronnie Forsyth, my good friend and ex room mate, I feel such blame because I got mad at him the last time I seen him and cussed at him.....  I witnessed a helicopter crash with all 5 members from HS7 dusty dogs on board in 2007 in Nevada, I lost my dad coming home after all of this to lung cancer.  At the same time that was happening my other sister was suffering a brain Tumor....  My family was a mess....  I lost my friends Teddy and Chris as well at the same time, But had no time to grieve.....  I was the "bad butt" who bottled everything up but what I didn't show was, I was dying inside....  Id stay busy ignoring it all.....  I met a girl and she had a daughter from a previous relationship and I thought this is ok, I want a family, we were ok at first, but 3 years in she picked up her old habit of drinking, I pleaded for her to stop and she didnt, I tried making it work for her daughters sake and stuck with her for 2 years just to stay in her daughters life but in the end, we split and I never seen her again....  My doctor thinks that was the last loss my brain could take.  I lost so many people in just 5 years that I'm numb.

My brain turned off to keep me safe from all the bad, hence why the depersonalization or brain fog.....  Quitting smoking may have aggravated it but that's why....

I feel like I'm too old to start a family now, like I lost out, I am not with anyone because I'm just drained now....  I just wanted a family of my own.

I pray nightly to God to help me, I am not perfect and I have messed up at times and maybe this is a punishment, maybe I deserve this...

I lay here waiting for the next panic attack to hit so I can feel like I'm dying and look like an idiot rushing to the ER.....

I lay in my bed and feel safe...

Only time I feel safe....  

My life is a nightmare but I know there are kids out there that have it way worse so then I feel guilty for feeling like this but I can't just snap out of it.

I keep listening to the song Suicide is painless on youtube, that and metallicas song One and animals sky pilot......

Just down right now, my sister is doing ok which I'm happy about but I'm embarrassed about how I acted in that ER and how I felt..... 

 What happened to the old me?????  

[Carissa28 10 MONTH WINNER]

Please remember Gods love for you, And the sacrifice that he made through his son Jesus. At times God can use the people around you as his vessels to relay his  message, just make sure that you're listening .

 In no way can I say that I can relate to half of what you're going through, I too, at 30 years old at times seem to feel like it's too late for me to start anything new.

 As i get older I find more and more loss around me,  but then I remember it's us that are left behind that suffer, those that have left before us are paving the way to God's kingdom and are in no pain, and are surrounded by God's joy and love and are waiting to see us one day again.

 As you can see which is amazing nobody judges anybody on the site, I do not think that God is punishing you, you have already been I believe you need to forgive yourself as God is already forgiven you,  you can ask God to help you forgive yourself.

 I will share with you as you have shared with all of us something personal.

 At 22 years old, I lost the love of my life, the man that I had met when I was a child of three in a daycare, and went all through school with, and the man I thought I was going to marry, he was killed in a drunk driving accident 11 minutes from my home, by his best friend Who was the drunk driver.  His best  friend walked away with hardly a scratch.

 I was numb for a very long time, at 26 years old I managed to find a new hope in God.

 I hope that God's comfort finds you and helps you get through this night, and I'm glad that you have a place to come when you need to vent.

Take care of yourself. 

[american_army_guy 6 Weeks Winner in reply to Carissa28]

Thank you very much for that.  I Mean it.

[Carissa28 10 MONTH WINNER in reply to american_army_guy]

I mean it too you know to this day my mother still tells me that God can fix any sorrow, and any hurt in our lives at any time, he can take away my depression, he can take away your PTSD, however, God's plan is bigger than you and me, and may be allowing us to go through these things to humble us, to make us compassionate, and to possibly save another down the road...praying for you, and for all of us today for strength to help ourselves and strength to help others make it through the day.

[glolin LONG TERM WINNER]

Hi AAG,

For someone so young, you have experienced so much grief..more than most experience in a lifetime. 

You had absolute no control over any of the situations - yes it is all very sad - but there was absolute nothing that you could have done to changed anything.

LIfe can be very tough, some of us get dealt a rough hand....but I strongly believe that none of us given anything we can't handle.

You need to try not to focus on what has happened as that is past tense and move towards the future..You will always have the memories...but it does not have to destroy your future..it only can if you allow it too.

I don't mean to sound harsh at all...a little about me..I am a victim of incest from the tender age of 8 till I was 14, a knife point rape at 18, a marriage that ended with my ex going to jail for 5 years for attempted murder on me..when he was due to get out, I moved out of my home country of New Zealand to Australia as I was so scared he would hunt me down....so I do understand what pain and grief is all about..I have so much more gloom and doom that I won't bore you with...what I am saying is that you can move on....I ended up studying psychology to truly understand me...just take one day at a time...and look ahead of you not behind you.

[droopyJ in reply to glolin]

Ahhh glolin your post made me cry too😟 

After everything that you have been through from such a young life, you are such a well rounded, caring person. Through so much adversity you have come through the other side. You have a wonderful hubby, children and grandchildren 😊 

You really have made a positive impact on my life and I thank you for that and for sharing a truly personal post to help out someone else...... A truly inspirational person lovely lady 😊Xxx

[Maddyg]

You have been through so much and you are still young enough to move on , and one day am sure you will have a family of your own and the happiness you deserve. We can only take so much and our brain and bodies say that's enough and react to the stress and grief you have been bottling up. 

You have to try and move on for your friends and loved ones you lost, as they would not want you to suffer and would want you to live your life to the fullest and best you can and be happy.  It's a hard road , don't bottle things up as this will not help. Have you tried concelling. I don't know you, but from what you have told us, you are a strong young man , with a life ahead of you. 

You are strong and hopefully with the professional help you will get through these dark days and the anxiety attacks will go. Take one day at a time, stop punishing yourself. I am really proud of you. Sending Big Hugs and Prayers your way. You will get through this dark period of your life .  Pleas try and focuss on the good things in your life, your sis and her lovely children, and engage in everything the professionals offer you.

Love and hugs

Maddy xxx

[Hidden]

Oh sweetheart I hear your pain. However God does love you very much. He has lead you to this site where you can off load and find the love and support that you need. If you pardon the pun suicide is final. No second chances and not what God wants for you. He has a plan. He knows and cares for you like his very own. Yes you have had so much pain in your life. Please excuse me if I sound harsh but death comes with the territory in the services. I don't mean it's ok but it is part of a tough job that most people can't do. You now need to step forward and sieze your future. Seek professional help. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy. There is someone special out there for you. I shall keep you in my prayers now. Just holler if you need to vent. Xxx

[Hidden]

Hey army guy,

I'm so glad you are letting your thoughts come out.  Sounds like you have Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) from being a soldier and witnessing constant tragic and dangerous events. So many soldiers are dealing with that ... I'm sure your dr has discussed this with you.   My highest regards for your bravery and my sincere sympathy for your losses.

And can't forget.... Congrats for quitting smoking👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Ps.  30 is very young.... You will be married... Never to old to fall in love❤️🇨🇦

[Carissa28 10 MONTH WINNER]

I'd like you to try on YouTube to listen to the Artist: Plumb - song: How Many Times

she is a modern Christian singer, when my aunt died (who was a second mother to me) 3 years ago last month, I listened to this song on repeat, it was exactly what I needed, sure I cried, but the song nailed how I felt and deepened my prayers connecting to God for his grace.

I sing a lot of modern Christian music and now I tend to relate much more to Christian music than anything else.

another song by: Laura Story - song: blessings - may also be one you enjoy

and a more "rock" type song by Carolina Liar - song is Save Me...one of my all time favorites

thinking about you today and sending prayers your way

[Tracker2000 5 MONTH WINNER]

hey Army Guy

You are so brave to put all that out to the world and look what love you are getting back... this site is amazing!

Its great you are managing to stay off the smoking despite all your worries. I would be happy to have half that strength. Never be afraid to hold your hands up and say "I need help" You will be surprised at how many people come running.

Take care Army Guy and stay strong, you will get your just rewards. I look forward to hearing about your amazing turnaround in fortunes soon

xx

[droopyJ]

Jeez no wonder your poor brain is in overload....... You have seen in your young life what most of us (thank god) will never see in our entire lives. 

I couldn't even begin to imagine how all this has effected you. I know that you are seeking help for PTSD and that is a step in the right direction. Are there any support groups that you can join involving current and ex service personnel?? That may also help especially if you can see that you can get through this and learn to live with issues as they come up in life... 

As to your good friend Sgt. Ronnie, you are not to blame for what happened to him. In fact as a friend he's probably cussing you for thinking like that!!😊

What I do want you to do is stop listening to those songs .... They are not helping you hun. 

You are right, there are always people out there with worse issues than us but they survive, and get through it.... You are a strong young man (even if you don't always think it)

As to a family...... Statistically women are having babies later in life because they want to establish themselves in the workplace. So do not worry on that front..... Anyway if you can't have your own family there are plenty of children out there who need someone like you to love them and care for them.... See, there are always positive solutions you can look for in life 😊👍

Stick with the therapy, stick to this site and stick to your friends and family..... We are all here to help you 😊X

[Rosie0702 8 MONTH WINNER]

Please stay strong for yourself. Be selfish put yourself 1st. I didn't realise just how crap my life has been until I talked to a total stranger in the oncologists waiting room. I was there with my mother 2 years in of lung cancer and brain tumours. He was there forhos sister who had breast cancer his 1st time dealing with it. I had an aunt and cousin pass from cancer already. My dad died when I was 11 years old. My cousin died on the side of a mountain after a fall. 3 of my friends have passed away from suicide. And I am 33 years old. There is life after death you are here. You need to focus on you because you are worth it. It is not too late to start a family and won't be for awhile yet so stay strong and focus!!! Much thought send your way x