So low that I can go no lower as there just isn’t a lower level than the one I’m on. Whilst I am able to say that I have not lapsed so today is day 25 that does not mean that everything is OK as it’s not – not by any stretch of the imagination. Read what I have written below and then tell me that I am still the good and/or nice person and/or friend that you thought I was! This is why I cannot stay on this site – I do not/will not drag you down to my level – you all deserve better.
Day 1. Walked to work as I do every day but today was different. How? Well for a start I didn’t have any cigarettes with me nor the means to light one should I have had any! That didn’t stop me however from checking as I walked that someone hadn’t thrown away a full or part cigarette that was already lit that I could pick up and smoke! Disgusting? Definitely! Would I have stooped that low – the answer is probably yes I would have – no point in writing something if you’re not going to be honest is there? Luckily for me although at the time I didn’t think so, no one had discarded a lit cigarette of any description so the walk to work was done without the aid of a cig. Dinnertime on day 1. Stopped in the building – safer, again no cigarettes on my person although I could have pinched the box of matches in the cupboard at work but even I drew the line at actually buying some – shock, horror, the whole point of giving up is to save money, not spend it! Will definitely have to think about carrying an UNOPENED packet about with me as think part of the problem is the not having – more I think/know I haven’t got any, the more I want one! The mind does a damned good impersonation of stupid sometimes! 5 pm on day 1. Works now finished so walking home. Can’t quite believe I am doing exactly what I did this morning – scanning the pavement for someone else’s tab! Ugh! Disgusting! But desperate needs call for desperate measures and again, the answer would probably be yes but like this morning, no-one has obliged or helped me by throwing ‘part or whole’ away – perhaps people are now realising just how expensive they are! Never realised just how much of an addict I had become – withdrawal symptons are not something I had given much thought to. Someone help me please, what have I done? What have I let myself in for? Can I really do this? How could I be so stupid as to put it on a website as well for everyone to see? I don’t think I can do this – in fact, I’m certain I can’t? Why, oh why, did I open my big g.. errh mouth before I engaged that stupid little thing in my head that is supposed to be my brain! Someone help me, please?! Arrive home and decide that the best course of action is to get the dogs ready and take them for a long walk. No point in scanning the ground whilst out with them as it’s fields, footpaths and woods and although I see a good number of folk most days, see very few if any smokers! Better as there is no temptation and it passes the time. Home again, feed them and then us and fire up the computer and do a blog to keep my mind and fingers occupied – someone might just read it and enjoy. Good grief, is that the time, dogs out for the last time and then bed – thank goodness that is the end of day 1 and I have actually survived it without a cigarette – first point to me I think!
Day 2. Surely today has got to be easier than yesterday? Determined this morning NOT to scan the pavement on my walk to work. Don’t do it when walking the dogs – so there is absolutely no need to do it any time as I do NOT want a smoke. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! You do, you know you do!
Don’t want one – go away and don’t bother coming back another day. Scoot! Shoo! Gerra away! Get outa ofit - you’re definitely, positively not welcome! Arrived at work and stayed in again at lunch time. Crossword to keep me occupied today. Finishing time – blowing a gale so head down and concentrate on staying upright – forget about looking for ‘you know what’ as you don’t need one! Take the dogs, make and have the tea, wash up and then blogging while himself goes outside for his ciggie and he is more than welcome as it’s freezing and blowing a gale still! Before I know it it’s bedtime again. Wish I could stop in bed and sleep all the time as I don’t want a ciggie at all when I’m asleep. Pity I wake up, usually about 3 am, but as I’m warm and snug, don’t particularly want a smoke as it would mean getting out of the warm into the cold and then into the freezing cold outside just to light up a cig and smoke it! No, think I’ll give that a miss.
Day 3. Today has surely got to be better than yesterday and the day before? If it’s no better than it can’t get any worse, or can it? Walking the dogs this morning took the camera – at least that helps keep me mind off the ciggies. Beautiful countryside and one or two pics taken and will see what they look like when I get back. Why can’t it be like this all the time – no hankering/wanting a cig it seems so simple now to give up but later – breathe – breathe – one hour at a time. Don’t try to run – just take it slowly. Home for breakfast. Have to laugh – I’m the one that works but shows order of importance in our house – him, them and then me! Unbelievable – he’s all day to have breakfast and he’s first every bl***y day! Walk to work – sucking a polo – the mint with the less fattening centre – at least it gives my mouth something to do and concentrating on not ‘chomping’ it means that I aren’t looking for you know what, well, to be honest, still am but not as much and would hope that I wouldn’t be tempted as it is quite disgusting (which does not quite cover it but sure you know what I mean). Dinnertime. Half way through the day and only thought about a smoke once so that is a definite improvement. Hey, getting quite the brainbox! Nearly finished the crossword which is a first for me – I’m gonna take it home and you never know, might complete it – we’ll see. Nice evening for a walk, stopping lighter that bit later so we’re going the right way – soon be time for the clocks to move. Tea, washing up and blogging again – I am so surprised that anyone has read what I’ve posted but some seem to like it so I must be doing something right. Could really do with a fag right now but I am not going to let himself say ‘knew you couldn’t do it’ not that he would but if I keep telling myself that, it may keep me off them. Think best thing is to just focus on the here and now and try to get though it as best as I can. Wonder if I had one now if it would make me go dizzy? Stop it! No wonder you’re craving one when you’re thinking these sort of thoughts. You go 9 hours when you’re at work – even before you gave up you went 4.1/2 hours in the morning and 4 hours in the afternoon without – you’ll never succeed if you don’t stop torturing yourself. Think of something else. Like what? I don’t know – anything but cigarettes surely you can think of something else. You’re supposed to be an intelligent person. Yeah, yeah. I’m so bl***y intelligent I’ve just spent the last 40 odd years of my life smoking, that’s how intelligent I am. Come on things are bound to get better. You’ve only been stopped 3 days – it takes time for your body to adjust and really you should be proud of yourself ‘cos you haven’t got short-tempered with anyone really – only yourself which is probably not a bad thing. Keep your pecker up – you are doing well no matter what you think! Off to bed – easier when asleep – hope I get a through night.
Day 4. My days seems to start earlier – 2.45 am – this is really beginning to wrankle/annoy me now as I am so tired! Going to have to start keeping a pad and pencil by the bed. Get some really good ideas for blogs but they don’t stick in my mind – usually just out of reach and that’s annoying – so if I had the wherewithal to write it down, maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad – hey, it could even send me to sleep – now that is a thought! I’ll have to ask that question tomorrow – do my blogs send you to sleep? If so, perhaps I ought to read them to me and see if they work on me as well! Still don’t know if it’s a good idea to carry on not smoking – just feel like saying to hell with it and lighting up but there’s just something stopping me doing it! Don’t know what it is but there’s definitely something making me pull back. Never had an experience like this before – don’t believe in ghosts or the like but maybe ……………………
I could go on right from then right up to now, day 25 - some of the days I have written as a blog but I am so ashamed of how low I have got that how much lower I can go/get absolutely terrifies the life out of me.
I am not such a nice person after all am I? Perhaps now you can see why I have to leave - it just wouldn't be right for me to stay.
You can do this, I know you can, together you are doing it already. I am so very sorry that I have let you all down and perhaps some time in the not too distant future, you can forgive me.
Take care everyone - I will miss you all - sweet dreams.