So low that I can go no lower as there just isn’t a lower level than the one I’m on. Whilst I am able to say that I have not lapsed so today is day 25 that does not mean that everything is OK as it’s not – not by any stretch of the imagination. Read what I have written below and then tell me that I am still the good and/or nice person and/or friend that you thought I was! This is why I cannot stay on this site – I do not/will not drag you down to my level – you all deserve better.

Day 1. Walked to work as I do every day but today was different. How? Well for a start I didn’t have any cigarettes with me nor the means to light one should I have had any! That didn’t stop me however from checking as I walked that someone hadn’t thrown away a full or part cigarette that was already lit that I could pick up and smoke! Disgusting? Definitely! Would I have stooped that low – the answer is probably yes I would have – no point in writing something if you’re not going to be honest is there? Luckily for me although at the time I didn’t think so, no one had discarded a lit cigarette of any description so the walk to work was done without the aid of a cig. Dinnertime on day 1. Stopped in the building – safer, again no cigarettes on my person although I could have pinched the box of matches in the cupboard at work but even I drew the line at actually buying some – shock, horror, the whole point of giving up is to save money, not spend it! Will definitely have to think about carrying an UNOPENED packet about with me as think part of the problem is the not having – more I think/know I haven’t got any, the more I want one! The mind does a damned good impersonation of stupid sometimes! 5 pm on day 1. Works now finished so walking home. Can’t quite believe I am doing exactly what I did this morning – scanning the pavement for someone else’s tab! Ugh! Disgusting! But desperate needs call for desperate measures and again, the answer would probably be yes but like this morning, no-one has obliged or helped me by throwing ‘part or whole’ away – perhaps people are now realising just how expensive they are! Never realised just how much of an addict I had become – withdrawal symptons are not something I had given much thought to. Someone help me please, what have I done? What have I let myself in for? Can I really do this? How could I be so stupid as to put it on a website as well for everyone to see? I don’t think I can do this – in fact, I’m certain I can’t? Why, oh why, did I open my big g.. errh mouth before I engaged that stupid little thing in my head that is supposed to be my brain! Someone help me, please?! Arrive home and decide that the best course of action is to get the dogs ready and take them for a long walk. No point in scanning the ground whilst out with them as it’s fields, footpaths and woods and although I see a good number of folk most days, see very few if any smokers! Better as there is no temptation and it passes the time. Home again, feed them and then us and fire up the computer and do a blog to keep my mind and fingers occupied – someone might just read it and enjoy. Good grief, is that the time, dogs out for the last time and then bed – thank goodness that is the end of day 1 and I have actually survived it without a cigarette – first point to me I think!

Day 2. Surely today has got to be easier than yesterday? Determined this morning NOT to scan the pavement on my walk to work. Don’t do it when walking the dogs – so there is absolutely no need to do it any time as I do NOT want a smoke. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! You do, you know you do!

Don’t want one – go away and don’t bother coming back another day. Scoot! Shoo! Gerra away! Get outa ofit - you’re definitely, positively not welcome! Arrived at work and stayed in again at lunch time. Crossword to keep me occupied today. Finishing time – blowing a gale so head down and concentrate on staying upright – forget about looking for ‘you know what’ as you don’t need one! Take the dogs, make and have the tea, wash up and then blogging while himself goes outside for his ciggie and he is more than welcome as it’s freezing and blowing a gale still! Before I know it it’s bedtime again. Wish I could stop in bed and sleep all the time as I don’t want a ciggie at all when I’m asleep. Pity I wake up, usually about 3 am, but as I’m warm and snug, don’t particularly want a smoke as it would mean getting out of the warm into the cold and then into the freezing cold outside just to light up a cig and smoke it! No, think I’ll give that a miss.

Day 3. Today has surely got to be better than yesterday and the day before? If it’s no better than it can’t get any worse, or can it? Walking the dogs this morning took the camera – at least that helps keep me mind off the ciggies. Beautiful countryside and one or two pics taken and will see what they look like when I get back. Why can’t it be like this all the time – no hankering/wanting a cig it seems so simple now to give up but later – breathe – breathe – one hour at a time. Don’t try to run – just take it slowly. Home for breakfast. Have to laugh – I’m the one that works but shows order of importance in our house – him, them and then me! Unbelievable – he’s all day to have breakfast and he’s first every bl***y day! Walk to work – sucking a polo – the mint with the less fattening centre – at least it gives my mouth something to do and concentrating on not ‘chomping’ it means that I aren’t looking for you know what, well, to be honest, still am but not as much and would hope that I wouldn’t be tempted as it is quite disgusting (which does not quite cover it but sure you know what I mean). Dinnertime. Half way through the day and only thought about a smoke once so that is a definite improvement. Hey, getting quite the brainbox! Nearly finished the crossword which is a first for me – I’m gonna take it home and you never know, might complete it – we’ll see. Nice evening for a walk, stopping lighter that bit later so we’re going the right way – soon be time for the clocks to move. Tea, washing up and blogging again – I am so surprised that anyone has read what I’ve posted but some seem to like it so I must be doing something right. Could really do with a fag right now but I am not going to let himself say ‘knew you couldn’t do it’ not that he would but if I keep telling myself that, it may keep me off them. Think best thing is to just focus on the here and now and try to get though it as best as I can. Wonder if I had one now if it would make me go dizzy? Stop it! No wonder you’re craving one when you’re thinking these sort of thoughts. You go 9 hours when you’re at work – even before you gave up you went 4.1/2 hours in the morning and 4 hours in the afternoon without – you’ll never succeed if you don’t stop torturing yourself. Think of something else. Like what? I don’t know – anything but cigarettes surely you can think of something else. You’re supposed to be an intelligent person. Yeah, yeah. I’m so bl***y intelligent I’ve just spent the last 40 odd years of my life smoking, that’s how intelligent I am. Come on things are bound to get better. You’ve only been stopped 3 days – it takes time for your body to adjust and really you should be proud of yourself ‘cos you haven’t got short-tempered with anyone really – only yourself which is probably not a bad thing. Keep your pecker up – you are doing well no matter what you think! Off to bed – easier when asleep – hope I get a through night.

Day 4. My days seems to start earlier – 2.45 am – this is really beginning to wrankle/annoy me now as I am so tired! Going to have to start keeping a pad and pencil by the bed. Get some really good ideas for blogs but they don’t stick in my mind – usually just out of reach and that’s annoying – so if I had the wherewithal to write it down, maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad – hey, it could even send me to sleep – now that is a thought! I’ll have to ask that question tomorrow – do my blogs send you to sleep? If so, perhaps I ought to read them to me and see if they work on me as well! Still don’t know if it’s a good idea to carry on not smoking – just feel like saying to hell with it and lighting up but there’s just something stopping me doing it! Don’t know what it is but there’s definitely something making me pull back. Never had an experience like this before – don’t believe in ghosts or the like but maybe ……………………

I could go on right from then right up to now, day 25 - some of the days I have written as a blog but I am so ashamed of how low I have got that how much lower I can go/get absolutely terrifies the life out of me.

I am not such a nice person after all am I? Perhaps now you can see why I have to leave - it just wouldn't be right for me to stay.

You can do this, I know you can, together you are doing it already. I am so very sorry that I have let you all down and perhaps some time in the not too distant future, you can forgive me.

Take care everyone - I will miss you all - sweet dreams.


14 Replies

  • Buttons

    I have sent you a message. Please read and please stay with us. xxx

  • Hey Buttons... There you are! :D

    I love reading your blogs, you talk straight from the heart and I reckon that there are many of our members who feel like they have hopped on the same choo choo train journey of stopping smoking as you have!

    When stopping smoking, it can be like going on the craziest fairground ride in the world. First you go through the entrance gates... There maybe some apprehension and/or excitement even of what rides and entertainment you're going to go on / have... Some you may already remember from past visits / quit attempts... Some new ones that you've 'heard about' from other folks.... Once through the gates you have the biggest roller coaster ride that you decide to brave.... So many ups and downs.... With every up you know there may be a big drop afterwards - its not always this way though, you just don't know.... After any drops, quite often there's a steady run before you start that climb up again, a nice high feeling of how well you're doing.....

    How you are feeling is quite normal and as I have already said, others may feel like this too. You're quite happy to blog about how it is for you and if it helps, then please carry on blogging :D There may be some people who don't want to read through all your blogs and probably just skip over them or not read them at all, however - I can bet you that there are plenty who will quite happily pop the kettle on or pour themselves a glass of their favourite tipple and settle down to read through your journey... I do :-)

    There are lots of members who have been asking after you, so this should make you smile, it did me :-)

    If you want to blog away, then do so. Our Quit Support stop smoking community is here to help anybody through their stop smoking journey, however they choose to do it.... This includes you too.

    You never know who you are helping....

    Now, best I go and pop the kettle on for anyone who fancies a cuppa whist having a read ;-)

  • We have all gone through the same thought processes and probably had exactly the same thoughts whilst out. You can rise above these and will do we are all in this together. Don't give in 25 days is blooming marvellous you have not hurt anyone just had thoughts Which you ha e had the courage to share Deep breaths tomorrow is another day lots of love suecx

  • Button Buttons, I don't understand, how have you failed us? We're all in the same boat, have exactly the same cravings, the same emotions, isn't this site here for that exact same reason? Although I haven't this time round, I have in a previously picked up a ciggie, barely smoked that someone threw away. That's what Nico does, it controls our every function every emotion. An x addict would say the most addictive drug available... We're all human, you have not let anyone down, totally the opposite. Stick with us Buttons, smoking or not we're all here for each other xxxxxx

  • Buttons you are wonderful and just like me you have lapsed,but remember together we can do said previously,I lapsed but kept coming back here cause your blog's kept encouraging me and reminded me that I could do this.I went 7 weeks without a cig then had one, but tried again and will keep trying until I beat this.please don't beat yourself up about this,these things are sent to try us and by God do they try us.xxxx

  • Oh Buttons... What a lass! Do you think some of haven't been where you are many times?

    Checking for dropped ciggies on the the paths and pavements - yep, done that too, even considered picking up crushed filthy butts and cadging a light from a passing smoker. Addiction - that's exactly what it is. Why torture yourself... there's no need. ( packing in smoking is torture enough at times surely!). Sounds like you need a hug and good friends... Well, you'll find them here - if you care to stick around. I know each time I've tried (many times) to stop, I just was kinda waiting to see how long I could last before I caved in again. And that's exactly what happened. My head & motive wasn't in the right place. Giving up an addiction is nothing at all to do with intelligence, that won't help us much. If it did, all the nasty terrifying stuff we already know about smoking would stop us. For once, just do something good for you - not your Hubby or Kids - just for Buttons. Not even for the money and other worthwhile things, nice though that will be - but just for you.

    Listen to your Heart... it won't lie to you, but your head might! Your head will come up with every justification it can find, to get you to light up again. But you heart will be sad, we can only fool ourselves for so long... Sure, we can smoke again, no one's stopping us. But, once the idea of packing it in has been planted - Well... I've found every time I Lit one up again, I was angry and miserable after the first few puffs.

    I know I enjoy reading your Posts, and remember - no one's judging you here - your doing that yourself. The only person that can do this is you... But you don't need to do it alone.

    Take it easy Buttons, and give that honest, but very "busy" mind of yours a wee rest.

    Night, Gill, xx

  • Hello Buttons. I'm new to the site, having found it when I was looking for information about the benefits of giving up smoking. You were very welcoming along with others. I just want to add my thoughts. It is very hard for most people to give up smoking. I never thought I would. Sadly, I lost my Mum in January 2010 to lung cancer. She was a smoker for all of her adult life. She was 74 when she passed away. She did try to give up. For weeks at a time but sadly it was to late for her. I've been secretly scared that I might be heading for the same fate as her. I've never had the willpower to try before now. If it wasn't for a work colleague who happened to pop in one day with an e-cig and let me try it, I would still be smoking.

    I feel bad because I didn't feel strong enough even though I watched my Mum die. I feel really bad about that.

    On the up side it is now 3 whole months since I last smoked. I try to think about others who are so pleased that I have finally started this journey. And what a journey it is. One which you write so eloquently about. So I'm joining the campaign for you to continue. My Mum would have loved reading your blogs so please continue.


  • JUST TO SAY THANK YOU TO EVERYONE - can't believe that you all want me to stay. Full up and very near to tears - you have all made me feel so special and wanted. Have to go to work now but will think about what you have all said. Thank you all again for your support and all that you have written - I really do appreciate it and just sorry I haven't time this morning to answer you all individually. Have a lovely, stress and smoke free day all. Together you are doing it!

    Take care


  • Hey hey Buttons, dont you be tooooo flippin hard on yourself gal, do you hear me :o cos i think most of us have thought along them lines at some time or another !!

    It just shows that your human Buttons :) :)

    Our lovely Emjay posted this a while ago, not sure whether you've seen it or not :o

    Little sweet Angel and Little red Devil

    Posted by EmJay ROY CASTLE

    I thought I'd chat a little bit about this little pair here who you quite often find perched one on each of your shoulders

    The night before you stop smoking, you generally listen to the lovely sweet voice of the little Angel, she tells you ;

    "You can do this"

    "You'll be saving so much money"

    "You'll be so much healthier"

    "Life will be better"

    "I don't like smoking"

    "I'll smell better"

    Then the next morning you wake up, feeling okayish, then you reach for a cigarette and remember about making that decision to quit smoking...

    Then the first craving sets in.....

    The little red devil has a louder voice, he tells you;

    "Go on, you can just have one cigarette to start your day"

    "You can quit later"

    "You'll feel much better if you smoke"

    "You would have spent the money on cigarettes anyway"

    "You know you really love smoking"

    "It will affect your sense of smell, so you won't even know how bad you smell"

    You overcome the craving, you don't realise it at the time until it comes back the next time. However, for it to 'come back' it must have 'gone away'. Remember this, as it is all part of your confidence building and learning that you are taking positive steps forward.

    Little Devil: "Go on, just have one"

    Little sweet Angel: "One will lead to another"

    You: "I am not going to smoke"

    Buttons 25 days, your just doing great gal, you are :) you stick with it, and stick with us as well eh, cos we can help each other along the way :) :)

  • Buttons like everyone else, stay with us. 25 days is brilliant and still early days to say the cravings will go. Powerful addiction are those ciggys, but look at one and think to yourself

    I can easily crush you into the ground . NOT the other way round. Love and hugs. xxx

  • Buttons you seriously need to get a e-cig,ive been stopped now

    For 16 days with the aid of my e cig,i havnt thought about a real cig

    Once,its took my cravings away,hope you consider getting one they really work for me.

  • Buttons your only feeling the way many of us have, you've not let anyone down, stay with us and we'll help you, to get to 25 days is brill, especially with the way you've been feeling, your a star :) :)

    Love and hugs :) xxxx

  • Buttons,

    The only thing you are is human.

    Everyone has that little devils voice in are head to fail.

    Not only in packing in fags,the little voice is there in life generally.

    Babydoggy is right try the e cigs. They are working for me also


  • So glad you haven't left!

    We're all in this together

    Keep on trucking!

    X xx

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