Counseling

[BellmoreBelle]

I've just had another arduous meeting with my insensitive boss today. What she seems to have in common with a number of people I've spoken to with complete honesty - about my sense of the lack of a future ahead of me, something I grieve for and cry about - makes her suggest I approach Occupational Health. I'm being realistic - no amount of therapy is going to give me the guarantee of a cure or even a longer life - I feel that they want me to learn how to rein myself in and not upset THEM. I am unrepentant. I'm not even remotely depressed or upset, but I certainly feel misunderstood.

[Katmal-UK]

Totally get where you are coming from! Trouble is unless they are in our situation and have been through or going through what we are these people will (luckily for them) never understand. Big hugs xx Kathy xx

[Lyndy]

Mmmm tricky isn’t it?! I told my colleague about my recurrence and thought I was going to have to get him a tissue!

Might be worth talking to Oc Health though..you won’t know till you try xx

[Hopefulgal1]

Hi I re read this post twice. I worked in a big corporate when I was diagnosed . I ran a large team and think my work partly stood for me as part of what I was. How I described myself to the world and my family - and the main breadwinner. I believe the non stop stress there was partly the reason I got cancer. All jobs have their ups and downs and stress is inevitable but constant stress is not healthy - at all. My work we’re in the end amazing and put me on long term disability and have income each month so am lucky there. What I suppose I am leading too is - do you really need this job? Can they give you disability? Can you find something where you can work from home in your own time that suits you? This life is so precious. I apologgt in advance if none of this is possible - but go and talk through your situation with this new OH person - who knows? I wish you a wonderful resolution to this all as you are not needing all this on top of what you are going through. Good luck x

[ShazD]

It is hard. My manager has had cancer. Not OC but it helps to have someone understand the tiredness after chemo. Even then I am having difficulty with my phased return to work. I saw occ health and they have quoted the equality act 2010 and all of a sudden I am being treated with kid gloves. My return to work before that was a bit difficult. I was told by my nurse administering my avastin yesterday that it is difficult for staff to treat me when they know me as it is upsetting for them. I have certainly learned to toughen up with this disease. I just tell everyone I am fine as I know for some it is difficult to deal with and I can’t be responsible for their emotions as well as my own. I don’t even think counselling helps for me. Someone sits there with a clipboard asking me how I am feeling and why o think I am feeling that way. Then they suggest I write my feelings down when they haven’t got a clue how it feels to be told your future is uncertain . I found my close friends and family have been more valuable then anything else . That is my safe haven where I can say what I like without fear of it being thrown back at me. I have to have HR with me at every meeting with my manager now.

[BellmoreBelle in reply to ShazD]

ShazD, you have nailed it. I generally just say "I'm fine, thanks," as as we know, a lot of people can't deal with the reality of our uncertainty. The "clipboard approach" is exactly what will happen, and it is pointless - I am fully in touch with how I am feeling, and why, it's pretty obvious! There's no sugar-coating that. Having said that, thankfully, my boss' attitude is the anomaly - I'm loving what I do and all the other people I work with are a blast. It's my boss who needs the counseling...

[bamboo89]

As the others suggest, Occupational Health is worth a visit; they may be able to offer help in practical ways regarding work.

You say you're not upset, yet also that you're grieving and crying a lot about your situation. Sadly, the possible loss of an assumed 'future' is something we all have to come to terms with, one way or another - its not dissimilar to losing a close loved one, the grieving process is the same, and its something that has to be worked through. I say 'assumed future' because actually, that's all we've ever had, any human being; we assume we have a future, until we're confronted with the fact we now don't, even though we all know, and have always known, no one gets out of here alive - its just a matter of when and how we have to leave, cancer or otherwise.

Two things helped me - when I asked the oncologist if I was considered terminal, he said 'well, we're all terminal'. Now that's perfectly obvious actually, but the absolute truth of it smacked me between the eyes, because of course, he's absolutely right. And the second thing that helped was seeing the psychologist that is available when you're having cancer treatment. They don't say much, they don't paint a pretty picture for you to feel good about, they just gently assist you in the struggle to come to terms with what's happened and your new, extremely difficult and uncomfortable circumstances.

I didn't want to join the queue to leave, and especially not the OC or any cancer queue, any more than anyone else on this site, but since I had to, trying to come to terms with it seemed essential, because otherwise, we're just terribly distressed all the time, radiating that outwards like a distress beacon, and that's not only awful for you, but impossible for the people around you. I still get slightly irritated sometimes at other people's responses, for instance when I make a crack like the other day - I said to someone, well I'm not too worried about the consequences of Brexit, I'm not gonna be here to suffer most of it, and they said no, no, of course you'll be here. Likely I won't, but I recognise they say it because it makes them more comfortable, it's an avoidance technique so they don't have to connect with what you just said because its so difficult for them. Personally, I'd rather they laughed and said something like yea, every cloud and all that... but maybe that's just me. I've always felt, if you can't beat it, poke fun at it...

Mindfulness, living for the day, the moment, the hour, enjoying (or trying to) whatever is available in life until it isn't... there are many on here who are clearly doing that. It doesn't mean we don't have our dark hours or days, but I find they're much fewer than the days when I'm equable and able to get on with whatever bit of life is available to me now.

Other people do struggle with our situations, understandably... one of my 'friends' of long standing (34 years) disappeared in a cloud of dust within a week of my coming out of hospital, but her inability to cope actually helped me to see how difficult it is, not just for me, but for those around me. It ain't easy, but you might find seeing OH leads somewhere more emotionally comfortable for you eventually. Good luck with it

Miriam

[LittleSan in reply to bamboo89]

You sound very much like me in your attitude and people hurriedly say "ooh you never know!". I don't think they'll ever understand that realism isn't negative pessimism! X

[BellmoreBelle in reply to bamboo89]

Miriam, I loved your post, thank you. To be honest I am cracking on with life and have gotten back to doing all the stuff I love to do - in some respects I'm even fitter than I have been for years, and I have a head of glorious post-chemo hair. I don't even harbour any deep regrets - I've made some daring decisions over the last decade or so which catapulted me into an existance I could not have imagined, growing up, and I'm so glad I did. If I'd taken the safe option back then I truly would have been regreting not taking the opportunity when it presented itself. I treasure it that I feel well, happy, and am surrounded by friends - human and animal - and I'm proud of stepping up to the mark at work and delivering a tough workload. I'm proud of how hard I work on the things I love as well - I have practice goals I work to. I love being busy - my mantra is to "Say yes to everything and work out the details later." But of course there's a lingering sense of "enjoy it while it lasts", and that's exactly what I'm doing. I think I have a personality clash with my boss, and I need to handle it differently - it was reassuring to know that she feels I'm doing a great job, but her line management skills need work - it's very wrong to continue to advise "You should-" and not acknowledge my perception of the situation. I feel unheard and unacknowledged. I understand it now. Many of you have said the same - people who haven't been through what we've been through just don't know. I do thank you all for taking the time to respond - I treasure that. xxx

[bamboo89 in reply to BellmoreBelle]

Well that all sounds positive - but a visit to Occupational Health seems even more sensible, given your line manager's clumsy approach to your feelings... they should certainly be able to perhaps facilitate an easier way for you two to work together. Keep trucking on...

M

[BellmoreBelle]

Just to add that I did have a phased return to work, had an interview with OH before I did so and was informed I am now classified as "disabled", which meant that when they made me redundant, my boss at the time kept nervously adding, "It's nothing to do with your illness!" So I had to turn around and find another job when I was only 4 months post-chemo - which I did. And I decided to tackle it as a normal, able-bodied person. It was full on and exhausting, but I brought my initial project in, despite the challenges. At yesterday's meeting, as at previous meetings, I had my boss categorically confirm that though I find meetings with her confrontational and distressing, I NEVER, ever let it interfere with my performance at work. I crack on, and I get the job done. I put 100% into my work days. However, I cannot help but be realistic about my ultimate longevity, and any sense of continuing to build a career is long gone. I AM grieving for that. Talking about it will not change the facts.

[Hidden]

But you know, one of the things living with OC helps us to realise is that most people live in a fantasy world about their own futures and perhaps this is where the difficulties come from. All life is terminal and few hopes don't have to be adjusted somewhere down the line.

We're the unwelcome carriers of a message true for everyone! (Philosophy over for today) xx

[enam in reply to Hidden]

yes, and our own cancer dg shock expirience is that,

Somebody throw me that right into my face - you will die.

Silly thing.

Cancer patients ale living proof others will also die. So, it is understandible if cancer patient die. It is sort of relief. She/he had a cancer.

Real reason, not as welcome is universal is our nature. Nevertheless what reason is.

Mak 27 you just pulled away something. Thanks