Feeling Blue

The operation was a success, so I should be pleased, but no, I feel lost and cheated. I hate the fact that I can't have more babies even though I didn't plan to, I feel like something is missing, I'm unsexy and an emotional wreck.

I read so much before I decided on the op, and it seemed the right thing, now I'm not so sure,my hospital experience was a disaster, and I'm going to complain, as one nurse treated me so badly I was left feeling humiliated and upset. I have to have chemo in 5 weeks and I have no idea if I can go through with it.

My backaches when I walk about and my stitches tug, I can't bend down to pick things up, I'm dependent on my husband totally, I feel sorry for myself, I'm bored watching tv and using the laptop for more than 30 mins makes me ache.

I'm covered in bruises too.

16 Replies

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  • Hi Lily-Anne,

    I am so sorry that you are going through it ....but you having the operation was the right way forward...but you are bound to feel a bit down...sending you love and best wishes x G x

  • Lily Anne, it's really early days. Just give yourself a chance and absolutely do not overdo it. I know it's a long road ahead, but you'll find very day will make a difference and you will get through it.

    Stay strong

    Linda x

  • Lily Anne

    So sorry that you are going through this and that your hospital experience was terrible. Many people are very disappointed with their care in hospital, but don't forget that you have had previous recent surgery, so your body and your emotions haven't had any time to heal properly. We are so vulnerable after such a massive trauma that this type of thing is totally normal. I had a second operation 5 months after the first and it was terrible , cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

    Do try to take thing easy ...imagine what you would say to a friend who has just had your experience.

    Keep posting and if you still feel bad in time there are plenty of treatments and options for you.

    Sending you a big cyberhug.

    Charlie xxx

  • Hi Lily-Anne

    I am so sorry you had such a negative experience in hospital. Try to rest, relax, take a bit of a walk each day and give yourself time to grieve for the life you had expected. It will come ok again. I was never able to have children and, even up to when I had my op, thought that maybe, just maybe .......However, it takes time to get through this. I found writing down my feelings helped me a lot. I wrote some awful, negative things in a book, which I threw away when I felt it was no longer true for me. It helped though, I think. Or ask at your local hospital about some counselling. If they cannot help you, get in touch with your local Macmillan team. They do a lot of work with counselling, body image, sexuality for women who are surviving cancer. They may have someone you can talk things through with. Or give Ruth a ring on the helpline. She is great! Se will understand what you're going through. Se mY also help with how to approach the problem with the nurse in a constructive way for your recovery. Just remember, you don't have to go through it alone. The number is 0845 371 0554.

    All the very best. Your feelings may also be due to the drugs you have been given, there has been so much going on, in your mind and in your body. It just takes time. Be kind to yourself and try to think of a little treat that your family can arrange for you, even if it's just a DVD or treat of food or drink or a little outing to somewhere lovely. Whatever you wish. Sending you a hug, be patient

    Love Wendy xx

  • Dear Lily-Ann,

    I feel for you. I know how you feel I had my op a couple of weeks ago. I sympathise with the bruising and tight feeling around the scar and all the other things you mention. I too was down over the week end due to really bad pains in my stomach I have to admit it bought me to tears. Turns out it was the pain killers causing the pain I now have a gastric infection. What got me through was the thought I'm still here and its given me a chance to be here for a few more years to come. I am having positive thoughts and spending a lot of my time on the Internet researching ways to make me feel better. Its a shame you had a bad time at the hospital. I must say Maidstone were very good even though the poor nurses were so busy.

    You can still feel sexy put a bit of lipstick on and a pretty nightdress and a squirt of your favorite perfume. As for relying on your husband I am sure if the tables were turned you would be doing everything for him. Must say mine has taken over and with a little prompting he is doing all the housework and carrying on working full time.

    I do hope you feel better soon there is light at the end of the tunnel although at the moment it may not seem very bright.

    Love and Hugs for a speedy recovery

    Babs x x

  • take one day at a time - you will have good days which will be great - I know how you feel I felt like chucking the tv out - once you start feeling like going out make sure you do even if its just for a drive - it does get better, I am 10 weeks post op and I am still up and down - your body has gone through a lot and you should be proud of yourself that you have got through it ----ps I also bought a puppy - which is the best thing that has come out of all of this - Keep strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi Lily-Ann,

    I am so sorry you are feeling so down. All of us on this site have been where you are and we have all got through it. I know it seems like you won't be able to cope but in no time at all you will feel better and you will get through it.

    When I had my surgery I got so bored with the tv and couldn't wait to do the housework which I hate doing usually but I knew I had to rest.

    I now wish I had a good excuse not to have to do the housework again! I'm never happy am I!!

    Chemo is not usually as bad as you think it will be. You read up about all the side effects and imagine you will get them all but I have never heard of anyone getting everything. People usually only get one or two and they are not too bad. Other than when I had surgery and for a while after I have continued to work throughout as have several other ladies on here so you can cope with it.

    Does your hospital run feel good look good sessions? They are make up sessions for ladies with cancer. They teach you how to put on make up and feel better about yourself and you get to take home lots of freebies from well known cosmetics companies for free which is even better. Maybe you could book onto one of those when you are up to it.

    Keep in touch on here. We are all here for you and each other.

    Hugs Jackie xxxx

  • Just sending you and electronic hug. It's ok to have a weep and feel disappointed. You've done the right thing and things will get better. It's the future that counts, not the horrible experience you've gone through.

    I've also had a double mastectomy. One nurse looked in when I was having the stitches out and said 'You're a b****y mess'. Just what you want to hear at 26 when you already Know there will be more surgery to try and put right what went wrong the first time. It was before I had my 4 children (so hubby mustn't have found it too off-putting!) but was really disappointed that there would be no breast feeding. I complained about the nurse, which added to the long catalogue of complaints about her and she was eventually sacked.

    Los of love Christinex

  • Oh Lily-Anne, what a horrendous experience!

    I was too old and long divorced by the time I had my op and my babies are long grown up. I do not have, nor have I really been looking for, a partner. Nonetheless my last op, resulting in a colostomy, has left me feeling that any chance of a relationship has flown! How does one explain the unsexy 'doughnut' and its bag just as intimacy is about to move up a gear, and that is assuming the damned thing has not been misbehaving and producing noxious smells! I get very down sometimes and, like most of the people on this site, had awful joint and back pain after chemo. I now have horrendous sciatica which they say has nothing to do with the chemo but nonetheless I never had anything like this before!

    I was lucky in that St James' in Leeds gave me excellent treatment with both my ops and I was treated with great consideration both there and at Arrowe Park on the Wirral where I was trated for a post op infection.

    If you were not given dignity and consideration you must complain. Write to the Director of Nursing, copy to the CEO of the trust and complain in very specific terms. Unless you do the individual will get away with it and others may suffer the same treatment.

    Some of your depression may be hormonal so could improve as your body settles. Do ask your GP about it because you could benefit from a short course of anti-depressants. I also recommend one of the 'look good feel better' days that your local cancer support centre probably runs. They help you to make the best of yourself and you get a lot of freebies with it.

    I am thinking of you and sending positive vibes to help you to get some relief from the depression!

    Love

    Margaret xxxxxxxx

  • I know just how you feel, I had surgery on 28/09 and then my first chemotherapy on tue this week. I try and think about this particular period in my life as a temporary phase. Life will not always be like this, try to look forwards and be kind to yourself during this difficult time.

  • Dear Lily-Anne ,

    Feeling for you so much at the moment ....Its not an easy time and although you can not see the wood from the trees as yet things will get easier ...

    I know how you feel about being so dependant on your husband ..mine bless him dried my feet and creamed then for me too .He was an absolute gem ! ..could not even get my knickers on my self at first ..and it hurt like hell when we laughed and laughed about things !!!

    It was a mile stone each time I managed to get something on my self ....

    Its little steps each day ..set your self small targets to achive ..its amazing how good even that makes you feel .

    I was so sorry to read of your bad hospital experience there is no need for anyone to be treated like that .

    I too felt after my op will I ever feel good again about my body and my self and the answer is yes I did and you will too in time .

    Do give Ruth a ring on the helpline ... Just having some one listen to you is a brilliant help .

    Please let us know how you are getting on ..

    Sending you a hug ( )

    Take care now x

    Love Jan xx

  • Dear Lily-Anne ,

    Feeling for you so much at the moment ....Its not an easy time and although you can not see the wood from the trees as yet things will get easier ...

    I know how you feel about being so dependant on your husband ..mine bless him dried my feet and creamed then for me too .He was an absolute gem ! ..could not even get my knickers on my self at first ..and it hurt like hell when we laughed and laughed about things !!!

    It was a mile stone each time I managed to get something on my self ....

    Its little steps each day ..set your self small targets to achive ..its amazing how good even that makes you feel .

    I was so sorry to read of your bad hospital experience there is no need for anyone to be treated like that .

    I too felt after my op will I ever feel good again about my body and my self and the answer is yes I did and you will too in time .

    Do give Ruth a ring on the helpline ... Just having some one listen to you is a brilliant help .

    Please let us know how you are getting on ..

    Sending you a hug ( )

    Take care now x

    Love Jan xx

  • Hi Jan,

    Just wanted to say our husbands are great. You say your husband dried your feed and helped you with your dressing. Mine has been the same he helps me into the shower every day as I'm afraid of slipping over. Waits while I wash and then drys me and holds me while I dress. I would not have coped with out him and I'm sure you feel the same about your husband.

    Love to you and your hubby

    Babs x x

  • Hi there Babs ..

    Just do not know what we would have done if he had still been at work ..as he retired in 09 ..early that is .... He got out as he hated his job bless him ....

    Yes hubby has done all of that Babs ... and then after the op came the chemo and I think one of the hardest things he did was to shave my head as I could not get to the hairdresser as I had shingles .He was amazing .... but I was so glad to have it 'Gone' as it was everywhere ...

    Your Hubby sounds wonderful Babs so good to hear he is a great help to you .

    One never knows whats around the corner ..as it a year next week that I first went to the doctor and here we are now ..moving forward ....

    Take it steady now xxx

    Love Jan xxx

  • Thanks so much everyone for your kind words of support, get me crying again!

    I had the out of hours doctor was out last night becuase of an upset stomach, pain and a temp of 38.3, doc wanted to send me to hsopital, but then decided that I should wait another two hours and see if it went down, he left me a letter and instructions to dial 999. However, it settled at 37.6 so I gritted my teeth and went for the sleep, must have sweat it out in the night, woke uo with a soaking nightie but a normal temperature, phew. Still had some pains so rang for GP visit he said he believes it is an infection and has given me anti-biotics, he said he would prefer to treat me at home as the risk of getting anothe rinfection in hospital outweighs the advantges, and I'm inclined to agree. So if not noticably better by Sunday morning wants me to call out of hours doc again. I do feel a little better tonight, upset stomach has settled, still got twingy pains in pelvic area where he believes the infection is, and the stingy bruising as I had before with last op. What really annoys me is when I was in hospital I mentioned this pain and the fact I felt unwell, with a slight temp, but the nurse from hell told me to stop making a fuss. maybe if it had been treated the day before I was discharged I wouldn't have got progressively worse this week.

    Spoke to my MacMillan nurse, she said to take stool sample if it doesn't settle but it has.

    Moving about properly this evening, tentatively came downstairs. I suppose I want to run before I can walk, hubby working 14 hour days hasn't helped but there's not much we can do. We asked a neighbour who we have known for a couple of years her husband was our gardener to pop in and get me a drink and sandwich at lunchtime, I was already feeling unwell when she text to say that she couldn't come, don't know many people locally, so I was alittle panciky at being home alone feeling yuk for 12 hours, then she did turn up, drunk! Today she text to say sorry, on the way out she had taken a bottle of red out of our wine collection, like I needed that! She has been texting all day but I won't respond becuase I'm just so angry.

    You know sometimes you just wonder if it's a vendetta?

    Hope to get lab report Tuesday, then I'll know if hrt is on the cards. I'm sure that will help.

    LA

  • Hi there Lily -Anne ,

    We didn't want you to cry bless you but your hormones and everything else is all over the place at the moment .

    Very sorry to hear that you have an infection , if you are no better do not hesitate to have the doctor back in on Sunday .I can see why you really do not want to go back into hospital with nursing staff like those you encounterd during your stay . why all hospitals cannot be the same I just do not know ..cannot fault the care I had with my op .

    Could hubby make you a sandwich and leave it in the fridge for you and you could have a flask of tea or coffee by your chair then not so many trips to the kitchen and no need for the neighbour who is partial to your red wine !

    Do hope things improve soon for you x

    Take care now .

    Love Jan xx

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