New Here - Pure O, Harm OCD, Intrusive Thoughts History. Just Restarted Clomipramine After Relapse.

[thegoffather2]

I can remember suffering with a form of OCD back to childhood. Repeatedly checking things for safety like the gas on the cooker and locking doors. It first became a problem of more severity in 2001, then again in 2008 and has been ongoing but maintained ever since. I have done CBT, Mindfulness and Counseling more than once and the main drug of choice for me has always been Clomipramine. The form of OCD I have had since 2001 I believe to be referred to as Pure O and in particular my issues have always been horrific thoughts containing great detail about harm I would do to my loved ones. Compulsions and rituals would help to ease that anxiety but as CBT teaches us, it is not the productive thing to do. Following my spell in 2008, I was off work for 2 years and on benefits. After getting settled on Clomipramine and doing therapy, I managed to get the condition under control. I did a lot of research about OCD and mental health in general and like to think I am pretty clued up about it all, I then gained new employment as a Support Worker that did include Mental Health Advocacy so I am always kept on top of my training. I managed to travel to see the places in the world I wanted to see, find a Girlfriend, get married and buy a house. This time period throughout 2010-2016 wasn't comfortable, but I was well enough to get by. In 2016 we decided we wanted to have a baby. Unfortunately, one of my main side effects apart from fatigue and excessive sweating was sexual dysfunction. The medication now had to be reviewed and adjusted to enable us to do this. We do now have a 1 year old but since withdrawing from Clomipramine things have been very dark. For replacement, I have tried all the SSRI's, all the recommended vitamins and supplements such St Johns Wort, 5HTP, CBD Oil etc, I have tried eating the right foods, having a well balanced diet and have always exercised anyway but I have had no luck in getting anywhere near the relief I had whilst taking Clomipramine. Since discontinuing with it in 2016 I have also been diagnosed with ADHD (I am apparently part of a missed undiagnosed generation) and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I think is a long-standing side effect from using Clomipramine that never went away.

Since My Son was born a year ago my Harm OCD thoughts have really re-manifested themselves, and are mainly aimed at him. Its almost as if the more joy and love I receive from him, the more intrusive and horrific the thoughts are. Due to this not being my first instance of these symptoms and I am well trained and researched, I know what it is and have been really good at managing the compulsions and rituals. On Clomipramine that would normally be enough to erase the thoughts but unfortunately not this time. Its as if it is more psychotic, like I am now having these images without expecting to do anything to relieve the anxiety. Like I said, I have tried most of the SSRI's including earlier this year, Sertraline which did help with these thoughts but gave me unmanageable fatigue and insomnia, which never eased after 12 weeks. 8 weeks ago, I was then switched to Fluvoxamine, 50mg for a month then 100mg for the second month. I can confidently say this is the worst drug I have been on, bringing more sleep deprivation, returning the intrusive horrific thoughts and culminating last night when I had terrible adrenaline rushes that nearly pushed me towards acting on the thoughts towards my Son and Wife and my response to that was writing a suicide note and planning to end myself before I did anything to them. Luckily my Wife intervened, I broke down and called the Crisis Team. It didn’t get as for as going to A&E for sectioning but it was a possibility. Before taking Fluvoxamine, I was in work (now signed off long term), the thoughts were not there (now they are) and I had never even thought about suicide before. It literally felt a lot more than OCD and I feared I had developed a more psychiatric disorder. I don’t think I really need to go into any greater detail on here as I am sure people are aware of this terrible illness and if you have read all of my very long story above it is much appreciated. I suppose the reason for my contact is for tips around medication and side effects, what people have found affective in these times of crisis and if anyone has had results with counteracting side effects. I have today been given a prescription to restart the Clomipramine. I have got to taper it up slowly as I taper down the Fluvoxamine. I have also been temporarily given Lorezepam in case I get any high states of anxiety like last night. I am hoping I get as good as relief from Clomipramine as before but if anyone can share any tips around counteracting side effects such as sexual dysfunction, excessive sweating, fatigue and basically just being less lazy it would be greatly appreciated. The one good thing I will say about the Fluvoxamine was that it was the first time my social anxiety and sweating improved, but after last night that’s nowhere near enough.

I hope my post might help others also. Kind Regards.