My OCD is too much to handle right now!

I'm new here guys so want to say hello and give a little description of what it is like living with my OCD.. Maybe get some advice.

I'm 34 and have had OCD since i was a teenager but it wasnt diagnosed until i was 23yrs where it really came to light after i bought my first house (think the stress of moving out of the parents house brought it on).. Anyway i sought help back then and i was doing great, so well in fact 7yrs ago you could say i was ''cured''.. I hadnt given my OCD any power in all that time, still had the odd images and thoughts but they really didnt bother and i was able to call them what they were, stupid OCD thoughts and carried on with my life..

Then out of the blue last September they popped back up again! Only this time my obsessive thoughts were now focused soley on my step-daughter and it was horrendous.. I have felt ill ever since and find myself avoiding her, panicking if i'm left alone with her and just generally FED UP! This has slowly over the passed few months turned into GAD, which i never had before.. I'm now at a state of high anxiety about everything, when i'm driving, not wanting to be alone, walking on the pavements near cars, reluctant to walk my dogs on my own! excercising!!! even though i know full well excercising is massively beneficial to our mental healths... I'm so fed up and feel so down.. I used to love nothing more than sitting on the settee with a glass of wine watching my girly programmes after a hard session at the gym and now i hate the idea of it! I'm just too afraid..

My OCD finally broke me last week when i found myself hiding my kitchen knives under the cabinet under my sink so i couldnt reach them! and i havent even been able to eat my tea with a normal eating knife! it's just ridiculous...

I've also been so reluctant to go on the internet for fear of what i may come across!! or if I intentionally look for something disturbing or disgusting.. I shared my story on another OCD forum a few months back and someone had put that they had sexual thoughts OCD about children and they went on the internet to prove to themselves that they weren't a poedophile, so what did this do! put a thought in my head and i've obsessed about it since, scared that i might do this!! WHY?????? i dont want to do that, i LOVE the internet so why am i so scared of what i'm going to do? I keep wanting to break my phone so i cant use that to get on the internet! I cry all the time.. it's so frustrating!

Went to my GP this morning because i'd finally had enough, broke down crying like a baby, snot and tears everywhere! i felt sorry for the bloke... Anyway, i've asked for CBT which i've got to do an assesment with someone but it's not until July! that's the earliest they can fit me..

I feel like i'm just lost in limbo.... Oh and i'm not on any medication, i have a fear of tablets!!

Welcome to my brain everyone :)

10 Replies

  • Hi Chelle-Louise. Thanks for sharing this - that sounds really tough! Just wanted to encourage you - I've just started a group OCD course and I can recommend it - it's great for explaining how OCD works and hopefully it'll help you change the way you think. Hang on in there - things will improve!

  • I'm really sorry to hear of your hard time.. I can relate to this as I get intrusive thoughts and it hurts me to think of even having such thoughts. I have to check doors and windows plug sockets gas every night and it drains me.. I get in bed and think have I or did I check this or that and sometimes wake up in the night and think did I then have to get up and go and check then find it hard to fall asleep. It got worse as a bad thought would pop up in my head and I would think about this for months on end then when that goes another would come.. my brain would just automatically find something else no matter how hard i try to fight it it just would beat me every time. I now have this thought that when I was younger about 10 11 or 12 I looked at a younger girls private bits because I was curious as people were talking about it at school and this girl use to come round to ours with no underwear on and I feel so horrible writing this and kills me as she was only about 4 or 5.. my brain keeps questioning me did I do anything else or what if and I keep trying to look deep to find out. I know that I didn't but just looked but why am I panicking so much. Please can someone help me.. anyone.. I was also diagnosed with becker muscular dystrophy at the age of 11 which was such a hard time but I've been told it effects the brain and my ocd maybe due to this.. please could someone take the time to reply any similar stories or advice thank you so much

  • It is awful the way OCD likes to attack you by trying to take away the things that give you most pleasure. It's a pity that you have a problem with tablets as medication can give you an initial boost towards getting better and support you. Believe me, people with OCD are very safe with children around as they are so fearful of causing harm. No matter how often the thought of causing harm to children may occur to you, you know you could not and would not do it. The people who actually harm children are the ones who get pleasure, not fear and disgust, from their thoughts. It's a pity that you have to wait for an assessment, but you will get it and it should bring some relief. Meanwhile do try a self-help book - I have found Overcoming OCD a good one. It gives examples of CBT exercises you can use yourself.

  • Thanks for the reply :)

    Yes i have read that book and i'm currently reading Brain Lock at the moment, i can't say for certain that they're giving me much relief as yet but heres hoping!

    And i know, it's a nightmare with the tablets but i dont think that is in relation to OCD.. When i was 16yrs old someone had spiked my drink with an ecstasy tablet and it made me really ill, for about 3 weeks and since then i have a fear of taking any tablets, i always think they are going to make me feel like that again!!... The idea of not being in control or being 'high' really frightens me.. I'm also allergic to codeine so i'm so suspicious about pain killers! If i do have to have pain relief then i have to buy the disolvable paracetomols and if i have to have antibiotics i wrap them in food, like cheese or put them in sandwhich so i can swallow them... haha sounds mad writing that down :)

  • No, it doesn't sound mad! I get that having had your drink spiked has put you off medication. I had my cider spiked with vodka when I was nineteen and haven't had a drink since! But medication like antidepressants are very different from the experience you have had. I have never taken any illegal drug and have not wanted to, for the reasons you state. I don't like the thought of being high and not in control. But the antidepressants I take do the opposite. They help to put me back in control, preventing violent mood swings and helping me to fight against the OCD. Do talk to your doctor about taking them. They could help.

  • Hi, I went to the doctors this morning, I had what you would describe as a mini break down at work so I bit the bullet and went to talk about meds.. I've been given 50g Sertraline to take x

  • Sertraline is the one I take. I have found it good, without side effects. I do hope you feel better.

  • Without mine I also have violent mood swings, my meds totally stop that part of it.

  • Do that, put them in a sandwich, think of them as nutritious and good for you.

  • You do need the meds. It will help you. They are not bad. They are good. Give your OCD a good stern talking to about this. It's like an alter ego that isn't the real you. It's just a part of who you are and you've found yourself just having a bumpy ride right now but it can and will change for the better. You are stronger than you think though. One step at a time, take your power back. I'm not the only one who knows that you can do that.

    Try reaching for a better feeling thought when those horrid obtrusions get out of hand. Think and visualize things you like. I think like this...fluffy bunnies, little kittens, puppy dogs, cut grass, beautiful roses, sunny days, blue skies, flower meadows, chocolate cake, ice cream, strawberries, favorite perfume, comfy bed, squishy pillows, fluffy carpets, sandy beaches, aquamarine sea, holidays, new car smell, cup of tea and dunking biscuits, fizzy pop, new clothes, etc. etc.

    Love to you.

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