My OCD is too much to handle right now!

[Chelle-Louise]

I'm new here guys so want to say hello and give a little description of what it is like living with my OCD.. Maybe get some advice.

I'm 34 and have had OCD since i was a teenager but it wasnt diagnosed until i was 23yrs where it really came to light after i bought my first house (think the stress of moving out of the parents house brought it on).. Anyway i sought help back then and i was doing great, so well in fact 7yrs ago you could say i was ''cured''.. I hadnt given my OCD any power in all that time, still had the odd images and thoughts but they really didnt bother and i was able to call them what they were, stupid OCD thoughts and carried on with my life..

Then out of the blue last September they popped back up again! Only this time my obsessive thoughts were now focused soley on my step-daughter and it was horrendous.. I have felt ill ever since and find myself avoiding her, panicking if i'm left alone with her and just generally FED UP! This has slowly over the passed few months turned into GAD, which i never had before.. I'm now at a state of high anxiety about everything, when i'm driving, not wanting to be alone, walking on the pavements near cars, reluctant to walk my dogs on my own! excercising!!! even though i know full well excercising is massively beneficial to our mental healths... I'm so fed up and feel so down.. I used to love nothing more than sitting on the settee with a glass of wine watching my girly programmes after a hard session at the gym and now i hate the idea of it! I'm just too afraid..

My OCD finally broke me last week when i found myself hiding my kitchen knives under the cabinet under my sink so i couldnt reach them! and i havent even been able to eat my tea with a normal eating knife! it's just ridiculous...

I've also been so reluctant to go on the internet for fear of what i may come across!! or if I intentionally look for something disturbing or disgusting.. I shared my story on another OCD forum a few months back and someone had put that they had sexual thoughts OCD about children and they went on the internet to prove to themselves that they weren't a poedophile, so what did this do! put a thought in my head and i've obsessed about it since, scared that i might do this!! WHY?????? i dont want to do that, i LOVE the internet so why am i so scared of what i'm going to do? I keep wanting to break my phone so i cant use that to get on the internet! I cry all the time.. it's so frustrating!

Went to my GP this morning because i'd finally had enough, broke down crying like a baby, snot and tears everywhere! i felt sorry for the bloke... Anyway, i've asked for CBT which i've got to do an assesment with someone but it's not until July! that's the earliest they can fit me..

I feel like i'm just lost in limbo.... Oh and i'm not on any medication, i have a fear of tablets!!

Welcome to my brain everyone