Please read my story

Hey everyone,

I've had OCD for around 9 years now (I'm now 30), I would have it in the form of Intrusive thoughts/ bad thoughts mostly towards children.

Prior to OCD I was always a loving person and able to show much love to my neices and nephews, I dreamed of having my own children some day and knew I'd be a good mum.

Then OCD started, it started off with something small were I felt the need to seek reassurance from my mum and then it became huge to the point were I couldn't go into shopping centers without having major anxierty and even driving past children made me anxious, as I felt in some way that the wind coming off my car could be in a sexual way towards children, the OCD started to take over my life.

I then went to the doctor and he put me on the waiting list for CBT treatment and gave me anti-depressants. I feel this did help but I still wasn't living life to the full in the way I'd done previous. It was like there was a cloud hanging over me. An OCD cloud! I could no longer lift children or show love etc, I started to keep both children and adults at a distance so that I didn't have to come into any sort of bodily contact with them because if I did then I would start to go over everything and have myself tormented so I felt it best just to avoid but obviously this grew the OCD.

I had CBT treatment, it did help a lot and I seemed to be able to have a more or less good life, maybe not to the way I knew prior but it wasn't too bad and I have had good times, however in the last couple of years the OCD has worsen again, I had CBT again but it didn't do much good, I did however try to come off my anti-depressants which is possibly the reason why. You see I went out with a guy for a while who tried to get me to come off medication because he said meds are no good and could actually be making me worse! He also made me feel less of a person because I had to take medication, so I thought I'll try and come off them. I'm on a very low dose of Venlafaxine, I'm so confused over meds, whether to go on a higher dose or not. I just want to feel normal again, I've never felt as low for as long in my life. I can't seem to be close to anyone because I feel friends would hate me if they knew what was in my mind, specially those good friends with children. I just don't know what to do next, I'm so sick of my OCD, it seems so unfair, I hate it! And now my dreams of having children are no longer as I don't think I could cope with all the thoughts, Any advice would be great! Faith x

11 Replies

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  • I dont have sufficient knowledge to help you, Faith7, but you do have a problem which is spoiling the quality of your life and which is becoming an obsession. I do wish I could help. Is any there way you could seek private counselling because you MUST get control of yourself. There must be someone to help. Ask for a double appointment with your GP. This is like giving up smoking only worse.

  • Hi Annie, thank you for your message and yes your right it is spoiling the quality of my life, I feel like I'm existing rather than enjoying life..I've tried counselling before too but yeah maybe I could try again. I was abused when I was a child and sometimes think this could be a root to my problems, I don't know, either way I'm sick of feeling bad :-( Yes I'll speak with my GP again thanks x

  • Hi. It sounds like what you have is a very similar strain of OCD to mine called Pure O or ruminating. The thoughts about harming children or others is actually the most common manifestation. People with this type of OCD are actually usually the very most caring and kind people and the absolutely least likely to ever harm anyone. Once the what ifs start spiralling you feel out of control but they are only thoughts. You may well have post-traumatic stress too from your childhood. I had mental abuse rather than physical and my Father died before we ever got to deal with what happened so I bottled everything up. Try research on pure O OCD. I found it reassuring to realise that my thoughts were typical of the condition. I no longer felt crazy or a bad person, although I still have frequent moments when I slip into the ruminating, I fundamentally know they are just thoughts. ignore what others tell you about your medication. What do they know? It is how you feel that matters. I am on Prozac and never took meds before because of the stigma so suffered on my own for 20 years. I am now having CBT and am on session 5 which is really helping. my therapist says the average for Being on OCD meds is 18 months and they take at least 5 months to properly kick in. Some OCD suffers are on the tablets for life. so what to what everyone else thinks. your thoughts are just thoughts. You are a good person who thinks too much. probably an introvert like me (look up the term, it is a good thing). I am a teacher who is an introvert! There is no magic formula to this, only patience and time. Your thoughts are just OCD intrusive thoughts, not unusual at all. many of us have the same thoughts. Be strong. you are not alone x

  • omg thank you but i do feel alone, but i have to be strong xx

  • Dear Faith,

    I can understand all the hate and fear you have for your OCD. The OCD is a bully and like most bullies it is itself insecure. The way to beat the OCD is NOT to fight it NOT to try and deal with it logically because the OCD will always win take my word for that.

    What you MUST do is to accept the worry but NOT Engage with it.I know you are probably saying I can't do that, but you can!

    Imagine you had the thought Am I sure I haven't eaten a dog? Hopefully this does not cause you to be anxious because It is only a thought NOT an action.Somebody else might find this worry very disturbing.Everybody has thoughts even psychiatrists and believe me some of them are probably more disturbing than yours , the secret is to just accept them even laugh at them because they are just thoughts and because we are human beings we have them.

    As I say try not to fight the worries just accept them as just another thought because that is exactly what they are just a thought.

    Regards Pamdave.

  • thank you x

  • Hi Amandamands and Pamdave,

    Thank you so much for sharing that with me, I'm so glad that I've came unto this website as the people are so understanding of this condition.

    Amandamands I will do some research thanks on pure o and also on being an introvert! I'm sorry to hear about the abuse that you suffered, though you sound like your doing really well now with getting the help you need, its so good you no longer feel like a bad person. I think its the feeling like a bad person that is the worst part of all, I find it hard to feel and show love because I have all this guilt from the thoughts, there are times were I can seem to let go of the thoughts and not let them effect me and then other times were I let them on top of me and it's like they're suffocating me! Normally this is when I'm more stressed. I had to look after my neice the other night and it was so stressful as I couldn't get her ready for bed or tuck her in, I had to let her do it herself, I know my old CBT therapist would say to do those things but I knew I just couldnt cope with the what ifs afterwards so I avoided but I still had major stress and anxiety from having to look after her.

    Pamdave thanks again for your comments, and your totally right, OCD is a bully! That's a good way to look at it actually, if i maybe don't let it bother me then it'll eventually give up?

    Faith7 x

  • Hi Faith,

    I've only just joined this forum and seen your post.

    I've had OCD since childhood,I'm now 52.

    I was only diagnosed 8 years ago with OCD when I had a breakdown and went into the priory.

    The psychiatrist there diagnosed me and set me on a programme of treatment.

    Medication and therapy.

    My OCD is thoughts/ seeking reassurance .

    My psychiatrist put me on Fluoxetine (Prozac) 20g to start and then increased by 10mg fortnightly until I had got to the dose that I needed to keep OCD under control.

    I now take 80mg a day and I will be on it for life

    I was told that if I start to come off it then my OCD will come back.

    The problem in the past was that Drs were treating me for depression and although I was given the correct group of antidepressants,SSRI's I was never prescribed the dose that I have been taking now for 8 years.

    I also had a year of CBT.

    I am not cured of OCD but with the medication and CBT I have learnt to manage it.

    At times it can be hard,especially now I'm at the age where I'm going through the menopause and suffer from anxiety.

    I'm on hrt and when I have a blip with meno the OCD rears its ugly head but I have recently been prescribed mirtazapine for this which has helped no end.

    How are you doing now? It would be good to know.

  • Excuse me for butting in but I am interested in menopause and OCD could you find me Dyanna so I don't take over this thread please?

    For Faith

    Why is it everyone wants their partners to come off the meds

    I am very sorry but I think it is complete and utter rubbish

    If you can that's great

    The main thing is to be well

    If we had a broken leg no one in their right mind would say don't bother with the plaster!

    It takes most people a long time to get the right meds

    There are often side effects and we have to accept compromise

    But please remember there are chemicals in our mind and like a diabetic these need regulating

    I don't know about ruminating as I am unusual apparently because I don't have thoughts I can hear out loud

    When I had a counsellor she said my thoughts were very deep

    I love children too but my dad was a convicted paedophile and it made me feel dirty as though I would contaminate people by association and that they would avoid me if they knew the truth and I would be isolated alone which is my biggest subconscious fear.

    Everything is dirty to me so I have ended up doing very little or nothing

    I don't work because of this but do voluntary work when I can

    However for years I did work it was like driving a chariot with six horses with everything going on in my head shouting at me about being dirty and contaminating everything I touched and being contaminated by everything touching me

    I have in the past used Valium or diazepam to cope at my time of the month but that is over now

    I am going for cat online run by nhs I will post on here when I find out more

    You are very brave to write so candidly

    It is scary to know there is a label for us but understanding each other is therapeutic

    I have avoided these forums for years

    OCD was known as the secret illness because we try to hide it

    Good for you this is a good place to start the journey to forgive and love yourself

    K x

  • Sorry CBT the spellcheck corrected me incorrectly not cat on the NHS!

  • wow well its a horrible thing ocd , i have sufferd for 30 yrs and do have kids . i have had a nightmare but my ocd kicked in when they were youn and how to god i coped i really do not know. but i managed i am still here but we r strong people be strong ok like i am , seek help and try to get as much help as u can. ok x