OCD sufferer for many years

[maz2436]

Hi

I'm 44 and have had OCD for at least 10 years - maybe as much as 15 years. I'm new to this website but not to OCD UK. I was a member for a while whilst I lived in the UK until I lost my job and couldn't find another one for 4 years so couldn't carry on my membership.

That was me 3 years ago. Then my husband got prostate cancer. After all the tests and then 37 radiotherapy treatments - 1 every day - he went to the hospital to have his check up to see if he was OK now. They immediately took him into hospital. Seems like they had given him the wrong dose of his meds -too much - and it had cause a pulmonary embolism (blood clots on the lungs to us non medical people). He was rushed into hospital because if it moved to his heart he'd die. They wouldn't even let him walk - it was that serious. Well, he told his boss he couldn't go back to work for at least 8-12 weeks because of this - and they fired him!!!

We tried to take them for unfair dismissal but it would have taken years of legal battles. And there we were - me out of work for 4 years and him now lost his job too.

We had no choice but to sell our house or be repossessed and have no where to go. After we had sold the hose and paid everything off there was enough left for us to buy a small place in Spain. So that's what we ended up doing. We found a small 2 bed bungalow here in Southern Costa Blanca and sold everything and moved here nearly 3 years ago.

SORRY ABOUT THIS LONG POST - BUT IT'S GOOD TO VENT

So after nearly 3 years we are here in spain. It hasn't been easy here either - jobs are not easy to find here either and we have no savings but as least we have a roof over our heads that's paid for and that's more then we would have had back in UK.

Back to my OCD!!!

I have checking OCD - I have rituals I have to do - a certain number of times and in certain number of groups of times. Too many to go through one by one. I check so many things - I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. It can take me over half an hour just to go outside the house and lock the door when I leave as I have to constantly check the door is locked. Car doors are a nightmare - if I'm on my own with the car I have to ring my husband up on my mobile phone so he can hear me checking he door handles and then he can say yes you've done it. I still have to check it the required number of times but if my husband isn't there on the phone and says yes then I can not walk away. Just some of my checking.

I also have some contamination OCD issues. I had a UTI many years ago. Now I have rituals regarding washing that part of me in the shower, going to toilet, putting underwear and trousers/shorts on. If I touch the floor I feel I have to wash my hands immediately.

I feel trapped inside my own stupid brain with all this.

I'm going through a very stressful time at the moment. I've had several scammers give me jobs over the last 6 months and then dump me and not pay me. My husband hasn't been able to find work out here. So we've had no money for the last 6 months. Bills are piling up. Haven't even had the money to feed ourselves. My mum has been putting everything on her credit card - our bills, food, just to keep us alive. She doesn't have much either so it's building up quite a bit on her credit card. All this worry and stress is making my OCD really bad. I also have IBS and that is really bad too. So stressed, depressed and ill.

I have tried CBT therapy back in the UK twice and it didn't work. I was on clomipramine which helped - didn't take the OCD away but it helped to make me calmer and so I could deal with it better then without the meds.

I was getting my meds from back home in the UK - but my doctor there won't do it anymore - my husband's sister was getting them for me and sending them to me here. I've now run out. So I've now gone cold turkey right at a time when I need them the most.

I can get them from the pharmacy here but it costs too much and in my present situation I can't afford them. Not easy to go to the doctor's here - my local doctor's clinic - none of the doctor's speak English so if I go to them I'll need to take an interpreter with me - again I can't afford that either.

I've just started a new job in the last few weeks - finally seems like a decent human being and is paying me. But I get paid for each day only if I can get 3 appointments each day - which sometimes I can and sometimes not. I get paid weekly - so that's good. But the uncertainty of if I can hit the target each day is very stressful to me. If I don't, I don't get paid for that day and if not then we don't have any money to live on.

It's all very stressful which means my OCD is very bad especially as I have no meds now. My IBS is very bad too because of the stress and depression I feel. I have a really bad upset tummy every other day with very painful stomach cramps. I'm not eating much because of that.

I'm sorry this is such a long post - but I have no friends, no family here. I have no one to talk to except my husband. And I speak to my mum on the phone but I haven't seen her for nearly 3 years. My marriage is suffering too - all this stress, depression and anxiety - we are arguing and shouting so much lately. I feel so lonely, depressed and ill. Some days I feel suicidal - not so much that I want to die but that I just can't cope anymore and want to be somewhere else and someone else - to just not be me.

Again, I'm sorry for such a long post - I feel I have no one to talk to or who cares. So I'm reaching out to anyone here. Just to have someone to talk to would be good.