Deep depression into blissful light

Hello everyone :D

So a few people have said they enjoyed reading my earlier posts and then reading my more recent ones. It doesnt feel like alot has changed now but i guess I have just got used to being a non smoker now but I WAS the biggest nicotine addict my friends knew, and that i knew only 6 months ago.

I was 14 when i started and i was on 10 a day from the first time i smoked. on 20 a day by the time i was 16. I loved to smoke in the early days. It was only when I tried to quit when I was 22 that i realized how much of a physical and psychological dependance I had. I had suffered from reactive depression since i was 16. Quitting smoking for me was like purposely going on a train wreck ride into madness. The anger, emotions, shaking, anxiety was HORRENDOUS and the cravings...omg constant!!! Im remembering it now while typing this and my god it was like having a psychotic obsession with smoking.

I tried everything!! champix, patches, ecigs, mints, sprays etc etc and nothing seemed to work. I tried for 2 years to give up and in the second year probably tried to quit every week lol that became an obsession as well; I could not quit, yet I wanted to...why not? must try try try try! Slamming my head into a brick wall. This made me more depressed because i felt like a failure and i felt like I didnt have enough respect for myself to give myself health, because i really did want to quit I just really found it a nightmare.

I got so stressed i developed adult acne (yes really) and one day I looked in the mirror and really saw the miserable girl looking back at me. That day I said to myself 'your either going to quit or your going to smoke and then stop beating yourself up because look at the state of you'. I was expecting to go and lite up BUT I felt angry that cigarettes had done this to me, made me hate myself. I felt so Angry at smoking I quit there and then.

It was NOT the right time at all!! and thats the funny thing about it. It was really ****** inconvenient. I felt exactly the same as I did before when I had quit but I didnt care, I was going to be a non smoker and therefore I was going to put off with the discomfort. The first month was Hell, I felt crap everyday and at time just sat crying. I knew I wasnt going to smoke therefore I just had to wait to feel better. Pretty pathetic really. My acne also got VERY bad at this point, so bad that smoking was an option to sort it out but i trusted that it would settle once i settled. I took to drinking for abit instead lol (I knocked that on the head after 6 weeks).

After the first month, day by day the darkness lifted and at about the 6 week mark I felt good! I had gained 10lbs but I felt good. My acne was beginning to clear as well. Still felt abit like i missed smoking but i was happy in my quit.

Now at nearly 6 months. my face is 100% clear. no acne at all and I look so much better. I dont have any depression anymore. I feel better than I ever did as a smoker (i believe smoking caused my depression now, but thats another story). I can sit with a smoker and not one part of me wants to join them. Im 100% free.

You just have to have faith that you can handle how ever crap you feel and trust you will get through it and one day feel great. that is all it takes. The rest is just the fluffy stuff but faith is the top thing you need to be successful. I preyed to God he would help me and I believe he helped me to help myself by having faith.

Anyways read some old posts of mine to really get a feel of how pathetic I was lol Good luck to everyone starting out or thinking about it xxxx

10 Replies

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  • So happy to be reading this post Nikki :)

    and so glad to see you have finally got the control and power back from that nasty stinky demon

    onwards and upwards is the only way to go

  • Helene, i can only speak for myself when i say that i feel smoking was actually making me depressed. If you look into the science of smoking and the science behind depression and anxiety in the brain you will see the connection hypothesis.

    Give yourself time. You just need to be comfortable with your new coping mechanisms and you will no associate smoking with control anymore. Good luck you will do great cx

  • Helene, i can only speak for myself when i say that i feel smoking was actually making me depressed. If you look into the science of smoking and the science behind depression and anxiety in the brain you will see the connection hypothesis.

    Give yourself time. You just need to be comfortable with your new coping mechanisms and you will no associate smoking with control anymore. Good luck you will do great cx

    Hi Niki.

    Your posts are very inspiring reading, one thing you are 100% right about is that smoking starves the brain of oxygen.

    Which makes anxiety attacks a lot worse.

  • Thanks Nikki :)

  • a lot of your post I can relate to even 3 plus years on I to was 'the biggest nicotine addict' and I do truly believe my smoking habit caused my bouts of depression, since quitting I have not had one single bout of depression, my mind feels free. I have read a lot about the links between smoking and depression makes interesting reading. I know for a fact depression stopped me quitting for a long time didn't think I was strong enough in my mind, yet it was the smoking that was keeping me depressed. Grrrrrrrr damn you cigarettes controlling me for so long.

    Well done nikki a brilliant post

    boo

  • Wow, I can relate so much to your post! THANK YOU!

    I have been in the biggest anxiety and depression hole of my life over the last 3 years. Circumstances haven't helped, but it got to the point where I was (am) convinced that the cigarettes were 90% to blame, but my depression made it seem impossible to quit. My depression and addiction were literally feeding each other. What a nightmare!

    This made me so happy to read that there are others out there who felt the same and came out the other side in one piece, and feeling better. That's what I'm hoping for. My ultimate best-case scenario.

    Ugh! This made my day! Thank you! :D

  • Hoot this is from the BMJ (British Medical Journal)

    Conclusions

    Smoking cessation is associated with reduced depression, anxiety, and stress and improved positive mood and quality of life compared with continuing to smoke. The effect size seems as large for those with psychiatric disorders as those without. The effect sizes are equal or larger than those of antidepressant treatment for mood and anxiety disorders.

    This is the full article.

    bmj.com/content/348/bmj.g1151

  • As usual Nicki your post is fab, frank and honest, I am so happy for you that you are finally free, and it's down to nobody else but YOU and your perseverence, I hope to follow in ur footsteps very soon xxx

  • Brilliant and very interesting post Nicki. I hadn't heard about the depression link before but it all makes a lot of sense to me!

    Am only 3 weeks into my quit but I hadn't realised quite how much I was beating myself up about smoking till I stopped, I had a few health issues (breathlessness etc) and felt like I was having an argument in my own head all the time, sort of disliking myself for carrying on smoking when I knew it was doing me no good at all if you know what I mean!

    What an awful drug nicotine is and how badly it hooks us :mad:

    Huge congrats on your success!

  • Inspirational Nicki!!

    I really relate to a lot of the stuff you mentioned!

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