I am writing this to try to help myself, by putting down in words how angry and disgusted I am with myself, the fact that I am weaker than I thought, have no will power, have lied to my wife, and have no respect in myself.
It all started well in 31 December amongst family and friends, I felt strong and determined to start 2014 as I want to live the rest of my life.....smoke free. For reference I smoke about 15-20 a day, mostly on a night as I dont smoke at the head office I work at. To be honest I dont really have any desire to smoke at work, and this might be because I have no connection with it and the majority of people I work with dont even know I smoke.
So the new year passes by and I felt really positive for the next few days, I threw all remaining packets of smoke away, ordered the Alan Carr book, and in my head I really thought I could do it this time.
Then the weekend came, probably too early for me, and I had plans already made which meant I was going out drinking (by the way, I am not an alcholic...yet). Normally, I would go out, drink, smoke and enjoy myself. And that is excatly what I did. My normal routine. In the mornings, I think I tried to convience myself that I was still on the quit. But this morning, when I woke up, and recgonised that stinking taste in my mouth again, the slight soreness on the back of my throat, the faint stink on my fingers I have realised that I am still a smoker.
So what do I do. I have come to work and feel really low with myself and felt the need to write this....to be true to myself. I have even worn patches but that has not stopped me.... so today I have decided not to put a patch on, why bother!
I have the Alan Car book now and will start reading that tonight, with the hope that will help change the way my mind is making me continue smoking. I really want it to work, I really want to stop, and the longer I dont, the longer I wont be truely happy or healthy.
I think I need to get my head round the massive challenge it is to quit smoking.....and for those who read this that have stopped or are quitting properly (unlike me).....I have the utmost respect for.