Hi all,
First let me congratulate all one getting through another day (or two).
It was all going so well for a while... Today (I’m right there with you Zoe), has been really really rubbish (trying desperately to stay polite). Yesterday wasn’t too bad, was happy that I've made it to day 7 and get a week under my belt and proud of all my new friends (and you invisible ones, yes you know who you are) on doing so good... Work handed over a new server to me recently and I was working until 2am last night configuring parts of the web services. Several points during the evening/night strong cravings flooded over me like they did previously when I worked late. But I didn’t smoke!!!
Today has been crazy busy at work - just like others, but the little things have been getting under my skin... I thought the annoyances were supposed to have past by this point, I'm guessing that the "timeline" is a little flexible, or it may be that I've not been reaching for the inhalator that much the last couple days - that'll change. This evening is not turning out to much better. It's not that I'm busy, much the opposite in fact. I'm having to rebuild my laptop (reinstall OS) so I find myself at bit of a loose end. I don’t know if it is the withdrawal, that I'm tired, or just in a reminiscent mood, but I can feel myself welling up inside. I keep thinking of the buzz from smoking and knowing how good it would be, while at the same time I'd hate myself afterwards. I guess its kinda good that I've not got someone here to pour my heart out too, I've no doubt that I'd break down. Here on the forum (and sorry for dumping on your guys) its just feels different. I know this may sound a little odd, but I almost feel closer to some of you than I do with friends I've known for years. The almighty demon on my shoulder has been getting increasingly loud all afternoon and into the evening, but no matter how loud that little {bad person} gets, I'm leaning strongly on our little friend... You know the one, that little quiet voice that is giving us all support. The little voice that is whispering we're doing the right thing, and to be strong because at the end of the day it is all worth it...
And it is worth it, these are not hollow words. This evening I find myself trying to think of a single positive of smoking and to be perfectly honest I'm at a loss, I cant think of one... Other than that initial buzz, but that goes as quickly as it comes. We've all been there, the feeling 5 minutes after you've finished the cig, the thought of another crosses your mind... No more though! I am not smoking!
It is different this time around. The previous attempts to stop, the withdrawal has been so much stronger. This time around it all feels different. It may be that my attitude towards this journey we are all sharing is a world away from prior attempts. This time I AM stopping, no ifs or buts (no pun intended), no maybe's or doubts, that's it now. The first week has past by with a strong and positive outlook. I've drawn strength and motivation from everyones positive posts and encouragement - this forum HAS made the difference between regression and continued success. But this evening I really want to drive down into town and buy a pack, and that is just compounding the horrid feeling I have inside. There have been times when I've procrastinated about things, or been weak-willed, but in this there is no option. I am not smoking!
Its like the song goes "sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air, I know I can count on you, sometimes I feel like saying lord I just dont care, but you've got the 'support' I need to see me through". I know the feelings will pass, the sun will rise tomorrow morning, the day will continue, the cycle will continue and all will be right in the world, but in my little corner, its a dark evening... Happiness and health has got to be around the corner...
Despite this dejection inside, all WILL be ok, deep down I know that and most importantly - I am not smoking!!!
Day 8! My second week.
Day 8 and feeling GREAT!!
day 7: this new sensation
