Anyone had to deal with partner still smoking?

this is the second time i have given up smoking (feel so much more positive about this one) but on both times my partner has carried on smoking, altho he will say he has given up for a week or so into it, then doesnt even bother trying to hide the fact he still is smoking.

i wont let him smoke indoors, in my car, and ive also told him if he leaves cigs/lighters around i will bin them.

this is my first day so i find it so annoying, but im hoping with more time it wont annoy me so much (can't really remember how i felt about it last time)

sorry if ive posted in the wrong place

7 Replies

  • It's a really tough one. You can't make him give up just because you are - every individual has to really want to quit for themselves, or it's highly unlikely to happen.

    On the other hand it's soooooo hard when you are around someone that you know is smoking. When you have a tough day it's hard not to feel jealous, or just throw in the towel and have one of theirs.

    My husband has quit now but even when he was having just the occasional one it would drive me mad. Not to mention the smell was horrible.

    The only thing I can suggest is you nurture a feeling of inner smugness to tide you over the temptation. Keep up with your rules (introduce more of them if you can!). And if the opportunity comes up, talk about the positives of quitting (got to be tactful and gentle about that though, can't be too preachy!) and hopefully he'll make up his mind to properly quit soon.

    Hang tough. You're doing the right thing here!!


  • My partner still smokes, and I continue to let her smoke inside my place, as we always used to smoke inside anyway. I firmly believe in respecting one's partnership and not forcing others to behave differently just because one has changed oneself.

    Having said that, I fully understand the temptation to smoke is greatly increased when a partner doesn't stop at the same time, and I think it is good that you discuss this issue together and come to a compromise, particularly in the beginning while you are trying to deal with quitting. This may already be what you have done?

    One thing you cannot expect is that because you are quitting, your partner also needs to quit. The decision should be your own, and you should take ownership of your quit.


  • Yes, my OH still continues to smoke. His choice.

    At the beginning of my quit he did reduce his smoking and kept it contained to just one room in the house ... the lounge :rolleyes:

    I personally didn't expect him to either quit or stop from smoking in front of me. It would of been great if he had, but ... if anything, seeing the papers and baccy lying around helped my resolve. It was still around, giving me the choice to ignore it. He used to 'hide' it sometimes, in a drawer. I'd check where it was and feel better for seeing it.

    Your bang on though with refusing him the opportunity to smoke in your car and more than reasonable to not want him smoking in the house. He should consider that the least he can do to help you :)

    All the best to you.

  • My husband has been going on and on at me since we got together about stopping smoking. He said that he wanted to do it but the only thing preventing him was me, and for years I simply was not ready. He even got some Champix but then failed - and that was my fault!

    When I did feel ready - based on an initial suggestion by him to cut down - we decided to give up together; went to see the counsellor, got the patches, spray, inhalators and lozenges - everything we could get our hands on... and quit.

    The first weekend and he was back on the fags, then Monday came and he was off them again.. he is now saying he is fine with not smoking in the week, but won't give up his weekend smoking just yet. He thinks he has made good progress. I know I cannot do anything to make him stop but out of respect he does smoke outside, whereas we used to smoke everywhere in the house. His smoking doesn't bother me as such - i am still at the stage where i love the smell but am not tempted so that isn't a problem. The thing that gets me is that it was his idea and i am doing it, but he can't. I feel for him because he cannot find the switch in his brain to not want to smoke anymore. I found it, but the reality of giving up has proved harder for him.

    I do feel a sense of smugness and he is immensely proud of me and i hope that my ongoing quit is an inspiration to him. He has said he would be gutted if his continuing to smoke caused me to fail my quit. I want to show him how it is done and that he can do it too. Plus - I have said to him that i find this easier than dieting - which is true - so now he has a better level of understanding as to why he married a woman whose weight is different every month :rolleyes:

    I guess you have to compromise and agree on boundaries - what you need by way of support and respect for your efforts, and what he needs so that he doesn't feel pressured into doing something before he is ready. Just remember though, he will be envious of your success!

  • hazcaz

    My wife still smokes, bizzaar actually that she quit for 2 years and I carried on smoking (not around her or indoors though) then she started up again a few days before I quit.

    You can't be too hard on the partner - binning cigs/lighters left lying around I think is too harsh, after all you were a smoker for quite some time and just because he doesn't share your enthusiasm to quit (at the moment) you can't hold that against him.

    If you have young children then of course they shouldn't be left lying around, but I don't think you binning them is reasonable, this I think is something you are just going to have to learn to deal with.

    Good luck

  • Thanks everyone.

    He said he is more than happy to smoke outside, as he really wants me to give up, he is fantastic in that sense. I guess throwing them away if he leaves them around might be a bit much so we have decided if he does i will just put them away (in his coat pocket or where ever) Its funny as this morning i got up made a brew then looked for my cigs, it honestly slipped my mind just pure habbit, luckly there wern't any around and i realised i had give up. Feeling alot better today, still very tired but seem to be sleeping alot better.

    I dont want him smoking in my car (doesn't bother me in his car) i dont want my car smelling like smoke its one of my reasons for giving up, we had alot of stuff to do today we went everywhere in his car haha!

  • I have had a similar conversation with my OH as in does the site make you think about smoking more than you should and if it does, does this put you at a greater risk of smoking again, my answer to that for me is NO, because as you can see I am a regular member, I come on quite a lot and 17 months later I am still smoke free, I believe that for me the forum has kept me smoke free and yes it does remind me that I was once a smoker but I need that reminder to keep me focussed and to make me realise how easy it could and can be to slip back into the trap of being a smoker yet again.

    You don’t have to come on every day or even every week, some people just need to know the forum is there for them when they need it.

    Johnj6922 put it across very well, if the quitters that have been lucky enough to get to a place of security then surely it’s because somebody who has been quit longer gave them the strength and courage to stay quit and was here on this very forum for them giving there opinions of how to get through, so surely we to need to be there for the newer quitters in the same way.

    I would not be here if it hadn’t been for some great support at the start of my quit.

    Your OH is maybe right but you have to decide the length of time you need the forum for as sometimes turning away from the advice and support can leave you vulnerable and can even sometimes jeopardise your quit.

    I wish you and all those quitters on the forum the easiest quit ever, but when it’s not easy you know where we are.

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