crisis

[nadineaudreeyy]

i recently lost to an intrusive thought and i cant really do the compulsion since i got lost while ruminating in it so now i dont know how to do the compulsion right anymore. now im stuck feeling like as if im doomed forever. it tells me that now ill start losing my personality bit by bit, from the way i think, the way i talk, everything, and start to adapt the traits of someone else who i dont want to become. please tell me this isnt real and im just crazy. even though i know how irrational this seems, my brain cant seem to calm down. ive been having the worst headache, tightness in my head and brain fog moreover stress

[deValentin]

Have you heard of the self-torturer puzzle? It's a thought experiment in which an individual has an electric device attached to him that delivers shocks. The device has multiple settings and he can't tell the difference between a setting and the next one. However, between the lowest setting and the highest, the pain is excruciating. He gets money every time he moves up one setting, but can't return to a lower setting. What will he do?

Having OCD is somehat similar to that puzzle. If we spend one more minute tormenting ourselves about whether something bad will happen if we don't ruminate or do a compulsion, we don't feel bad. However, minutes add up becoming hours, days, months, and years. And if we look at the big picture, we feel bad having spent so much time trying to solve problems that OCD is endlessly raising in our mind.

So, my suggestion will be to step back, look at the grand scheme of things, and decide how you'd like to spend the rest of your life. Once you decided, move in that direction one step at the time in spite of the difficulties. Things will become easier with the passing of time. What appeared a matter of life and death when you were in the grip of OCD won't look as awful after a while, and what appeared uninteresting like living a responsible and meaningul life will look a lot more appealing.

[Orange101 in reply to deValentin]

Unfortunately, it is always difficult because OCD attacks what matters to us.

[deValentin in reply to Orange101]

Indeed. Though we could ask ourselves whether trying to eliminate the possibility of something wrong happening would matter as much if the possibility wasn’t as disturbing. Does it matter to us because it’s disturbing our mind, or is it disturbing our mind because it matters to us?

Furthermore, if I’m willing to do anything to eliminate an undesirable possibility and therefore appease my mind, does it make me more or less sure of my values? I’ve heard of people obsessionally afraid of doing “something bad” to their loved ones imagining the worst-case scenario or getting close to the brink to test their reaction in a vain attempt to gain more certainty.

[Arabianhorselover in reply to deValentin]

Every day we accept the possibility that we won't have enough air to breathe, that we might get hurt when we drive, that we might be hit by a car crossing the street. It's just that OCD tells us we can't handle these certain things that pertain to us in particular. If they happened, we couldn't handle it.

[deValentin in reply to Arabianhorselover]

You're right. Those possibilities are often severely disturbing because we think we couldn't handle them if they happened. Or we think we couldn't live with ourselves if they happened, in the case of harm OCD for instance. OCD undermines our trust in our good intentions, and ability to control ourselves and handle adversity.

[nadineaudreeyy in reply to deValentin]

so i should just ignore it? will i get back to my normal self, will this feeling ever end?

[deValentin in reply to nadineaudreeyy]

Yes, to both questions. However, it won't be easy because when you try to stop ruminations or compulsions, disturbing questions may pop into your head "What if I start losing my personality bit by bit? What if I start to adopt the traits of someone else I don’t want to become? It’s possible. One can’t be sure, etc.”. It’s when you need to take a pause and step back a bit from your intrusive thoughts.

The problem is that what may increase your chances to get the reassurance you’re seeking brings you, at the same time, closer to a self-destructive way of life. It’s like the individual who is waiting for a bus so he can arrive faster where he wants to go, but he doesn’t know the bus schedule, and after a while he realizes he would have already arrived to his destination if he had walked there. However, he’s still persisting waiting for the bus for fear of the bus arriving just after he started walking to his destination. Likewise, you may fear that the minute you stop your ruminations is when you would have found the reassurance you’re seeking if you had kept on ruminating.

It's why you need to gain perspective, decide on a course of action even if you aren't certain of everything, and you’ll see the lingering doubts about that course of action fade away with the passing of time.

[Arabianhorselover]

For me uit started with harm OCD. It was horrible. Not sure how I survived, There was no help back then.

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello - I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. I really am. I know how hard OCD can be.

I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but what it sounds like you're doing here is looking for reassurance that your thoughts aren't true. This is very typical of those suffering from OCD and in reality is just another compulsion. It looks like OCD has got you so turned around at the moment that you're obsessing about your compulsions

I know that not doing a compulsion "right" can make you feel like you've really messed up and that you won't be able to live your life the way you want anymore, but that is not true. OCD is a liar and a bully and tells us that if we don't do everything "correctly" we won't be able to live with ourselves. The truth is that you are way stronger and more resilient than you think. The thoughts and feelings will lessen with time, I can promise you that.

Have you spoken to your doctor or therapist about treatment for your OCD? I know for me getting on the right medicine and performing ERP has changed my life. It took a lot of effort, and there were some backsteps, but I'm in a lot better place than I was before.

I hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. May God bless you.